The sound of your heart breaking

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound.

When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise.

But as far as your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain...

If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a trashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.

But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it..."

Reminiscing

Everytime I come back to my hometown Munich I have a ritual that I never fail to follow: I call my ex-boyfriend. My highschool love. My first real relationship. The one that was worth fighting for, again and again and again. No matter how many times I fell on my face, I somehow found the energy to get back on my feet. An energy that I no longer have. No relationship was ever the same after this one. Maybe it is because I gave so much that I never fully recuperated or maybe it is because somewhere very, very deep in my heart I never let go of the hope that one day he would wake up and realize he loves me, he needs me and wants me back in his life.

Everytime we talk, we tell each other what is happening in our lifes. If and who we are dating and especially, are we happy?

But after a few minutes of small talk we always get back to the same topic: US. We talk about the good times, the times that made us laugh, the times where we were so good together... we talk so much about those times that I completely forget the many times I cried, until I hang up the phone and his voice is no more than a distant memory... I forget about the pain he caused, everytime he left me, everytime he cheated... I forget how much I longed for hearing him say "I love you". I forget that sometimes I felt like crawling into bed and never coming out again. I forget that he humiliated me...

I only remember that we laughed, that we would spend hours and hours together without getting bored of each others company. I remember seeing the pain in his eyes when he saw me crying... I remember him being confused about why he had to make me suffer... I remember him second-guessing his decisions and coming back to me...

It's been three years. We have lived our lifes far away from each other and our lifestyles could not be more different. But even now I still wonder if we could have been happy if I would have just tried a little harder. If I would have just found that little ounce of energy that would have kept us going... but I didn't. I gave up. I left and tried to forget. But I can't. I guess "if" is really the worst word in the dictionary... because IF I would have just chosen him over my "high-society" party-life I wouldn't be as lonely as I am now...

Asking questions is hard, because the truth is not always what we want to hear...

I met a guy. He's great. We get along perfectly. We're friends. We're lovers. I am happy.

But as usual, whenever everything goes right, I stress out... I look for that one thing that could make it all go wrong.

Whenever I am in a relationship, I try so hard to be perfect. I never complain, I do whatever my partner wants to do, I don't bitch, I don't act jealous, I pretend I am not moody even when I am... I try to be the perfect person and usually when it's too late I realise that I've been acting like a robot that has no feelings, no opinion and no desires.

I know the guy I am dating is getting messages from his ex-girlfriend. I know he used to not reply to them. I know he replies to them now and is tense after he did. I know she is miles and miles away on a different continent. Those are the things I know. Those are the ONLY things I know.

But then there is the stuff I read between the lines or that I basically just invent. She is still hung up on him. She was the love of his life. He loves her but can't be with her because of the distance. I'll never be as good as her.... all these things that I have no clue about but I still live like they are real.

Any normal person would just go and ASK. Ask what is going on, who that girl is, what's the history behind it. Not only because the answer is probably less harmful than thinking about all types of weird scenarios but also because it is probably only in my head...

And if it's not... Well, I should know, shouldn't I. I should know if it's worth investing myself into it or if it's better to let it go before I end up getting more hurt. No one wants to know the truth because we are terrified that it will not be nice to hear. But sometimes, just sometimes it is actually relieving news. It takes a weight off our chest.

I lost hope in a perfect love a long time ago. I consider myself unlucky and an expert in unsuccessful relationship. And at the same time I am thinking that it is time for me to be happy again.

So if I don't ask any questions, how can I expect to receive the answers I want to hear?

Soul-broken

All the romantic movies we watch and all the heart-tearing books we read, always talk about the same thing. A lost love, a broken heart. But no one ever talks about the real pain... The pain of losing a friend.

I didn't know it before either, but now that it has happened to me I understand, that losing a lover breaks your heart, but losing a friend breaks your soul.

Losing in love is no easy task... but with time, hearts mend. You forgive and move on. You find love in someone else and replace what has been.

But when your friend gives up on you and walks away, something inside you dies. A part of your soul. And maybe you'll learn from the mistake you've made and maybe you will move on, but I don't think that this kind of pain will ever go away... I don't think that time can heal your soul. Sometimes people hurt the ones they care for deeper than they expected. I know I did. I never meant for it to happen but in the heat of madness I said words that I will never be able to take back. I've hurt someone I care for, without wanting to...

Hearts can mend. You never forget the people who hurt it, but with time, eventually you feel better. You learn from the mistakes you've made... but how to you learn how to live without your best friend?

The more I try to fix things, the worse I make it. Different people have different ways of dealing with betrayal, and yes, my best friend thinks I have betrayed him by saying the things I've said. Obviously his way of healing is to be alone, far away from me and my excuses.

I guess pretending he doesn't notice how we are drifting so far apart, is better for him. Pretending he doesn't know that we will eventually reach a point where no matter what we do, we'll be too distant from each other to fix things again, is his way to feel better.

But I am stubborn, always have and always will be... So I try to apologize over and over and over again.

I've tried to mend the broken pieces, but I feel like the more I try to fix it, the worse I make things. I hurt him. I apologize. And I get mad when won't accept my words...

When he told me it always had to be my way or the highway, and that right now he just didn't feel me anymore, it hurt. We're not on the same level and we are not connecting like we used to. And now, for once, I'll stop being so stubborn and give him space to breathe. For his sake, for my sake... but really, for the sake of our friendship.

The harder I push, the further he drifts away... And he is far away enough already. I can't afford for him to hate me even more than he already does.

My heart has been broken many times, and sometimes I really didn't think I would be able to fix it again and the pain... the pain was so overwhelming sometimes that I didn't think it would ever go away again.

If that is how I feel when my heart gets broken, what happens when my soul does?

Sorry is never enough

"You suck as a friend", "Fuck you", "I don't need you!!"... Those are only a few of the things I've said to my best friend six weeks ago. Six weeks that I have been spending trying to apologize and make him forgive me for those hurtful words I pronounced.

My best friend and me met in college. It was his last year and the beginning of my second... He was this arrogant jock whose big mouth and quick comebacks made everyone fear him. There was no in-between with Alex. You were either friends or not... He's not the type of guy that will hang out with you and listen to you just to be polite. He won't tell you everything is going to be okay when it clearly won't be. And he sure as hell won't make everything look peachy for you, just because you are sad and want someone to pretend all is pretty and shiny.

Alex is honest. He isn't scared of telling you the truth. Some might say this means he doesn't love you or doesn't care that his words might hurt you. But I know Alex. No matter how hurtful the truth is, he knows that worse than that is the feeling of being lied to. He was my best friend. He would always help me when I asked for advice and he was always there when I needed him to be... and trust me, that happened quite often.

Alex has a theory about friends. He thinks that from all the "friends" you have there are these 10%. These people are your real friends, something like family. These are the people you can trust and keep close to yourself without having to be afraid they will eventually hurt you.

But as you can see... I said Alex WAS my best friend. I messed up big time. And it seems that I can't find a way to make it alright again. I was in a dark place from which Alex tried to pull me out, but I guess I just had gotten to this place where I needed to be left alone. Where any advice was wrong advice, and where the truth was more than just unwelcome.

Alex was there, like he always is. Showing me clearly why things had gone wrong and basically explaining to me that the only way I could fix my life was to change... He was telling me that the reason I felt so bad, is because I didn't like the person in the mirror.

Now, six weeks later. After I have been threw a thorough self-analysis, I know he was right. But I guess it's too late. He doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't want to be part of my dramatic life anymore, even though I have been trying to erase all the drama from it.

In the process of finding myself again, I lost a friend. Someone I really care for and that I truly love. And now I just wonder, was it worth it? Was saving myself worth losing him?

I don't know... I guess sometimes you need to make sacrifices... I just wished it wouldn't have to be Alex. I miss him. All the time. Constantly. And I just want him to know that I'll always be there for him and he will always be in my heart. He is part of my 10% people... no matter how far away from each other we are, or how distant we have become.

Loving yourself

I've been going in and out of relationships for the past six years... I don't think I've ever been single for longer than two-three months.

When me and N called it a day, a part inside me broke. I ended up in my best friend's boyfriends bathroom balling my eyes out, not really knowing why.

I've been blaming myself for all the relationships that have gone wrong and at the end of the day forgot who I really am.

My best friend told me that the best thing for me right now is to focus on myself, find out who I really am and start loving myself again. She said, how can someone love you if you don't love yourself?

At first I thought her idea was crazy. Spending time alone is not exactly something I would call a pleasant pass-time. Dinner alone. Movies alone. Shopping alone. How dreadful... So silly me, instead of listening to her I went back to dating.

Obviously things didn't work out and I had to listen to the same old bla bla's that I've heard waaaay to often in my life: "It's not you, it's me. I am just not ready for commitment"... with you. That is how I interpret things. You don't want to be in a relationship.... with me. I can't find a way to just put a full stop after, I always need to add my own little two words.

I am alone now. And I am learning to be happy. I am doing the things I want to do and spending my time as I please.

If I want to go for a coffee with a girlfriend, I'll go. If I feel like shopping by myself, I'll go. If I feel like going on a dinner date, I'll go.

When you spend time with yourself you get to know yourself better. What are you bad habits but also what are your positive points. And that definitely helps with flirting as well. I know now what parts of myself I want to improve and what I love about me.

Recovery is a long process. And I am pretty sure I will not start absolutely loving myself so fast. But I am on the right path. I hope my best friend is proud of me... even though it took me a long time to listen to her advice. And I may actually have disappointed a few people by not listening to her.

But hey, better late than never, right?

I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale...

Me and N broke up. He left me. He wrote me an e-mail and walked away from me.

My heart burst into a million tiny small pieces...

I was happy. I thought we were good. I thought that everything was perfect. Now I don't know if I was just blinding myself because I didn't want to accept the truth or if he was just really good in pretending...

For days I didn't feel the pain. For days all I felt was numbness and anger. Anger that led me to scream at my best friend. A friend I love more than he knows because he has always been honest to me... the only man I ever trusted to never lie to me about anything. And now he ignores me... I hurt him because I was hurt, but that doesn't excuse it.

And then one night, it just took one sentence from my best girlfriend to make the pain hit: "Stop hurting yourself. He is not coming back. He won't." The pain hit me like a wave and the tears starting flowing down my face.

I was trying so hard to keep him in my life no matter what. As friends, as lovers... as anything I could possibly be for him. But he just stepped out and moved on like I never existed.

My friend tells me I need to love myself before I can love anyone else.

But tell me... how can you feel like you are loveable when everyone you have ever given yourself to has broken you?

I am terrified. I am scared. Every night that I spend alone, every minute that I don't have someone looking at me like I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, I feel lonely. I feel invisible.

If I could I would tell N what he has done to me. I would show him my tears and put the pain he has caused into words.

But I won't... I won't because... I don't know... I guess he doesn't deserve to know what he has done to me. I want him to see me gorgeous, glowing and happy. I just am not really sure on how I am supposed to achieve that, since I don't feel anything like that right now.

Look at me

I always thought the worst way you can hurt someone is by cheating on them. Having cheated and been cheated on, I know what pain you can cause by doing something like that...

I am what some people could call a pretty girl and I do like to wear shorts skirts and nice dresses. Without wanting to brag, but getting attention is something I enjoy... most of the time. Of course, just like celebrities, not being able to just go to the groceries without getting a stupid comment from a guy crossing your path is not exactly the most enjoyable moment...

But that is not what this is about. I was walking to work today when this handsome man caught my attention, and apparently I caught his. He called me fabulous, beautiful, perfect... all the things a girl just loves to hear. And for a weird reason, hearing them made me feel incredibly weird.

All this time I have been trying to figure out what this feeling was and I realised, I feel sad. Upset. I want to cry. And why? Because my boyfriend doesn't see me. Or at least it feels that way. Of course I can tell he is physically attracted to me, of course I see the effects different pieces of clothing have on him... but he doesn't look at me and tells me I'm pretty. And even though sometimes I feel like I can read it in his eyes not hearing it hurts. Five months and no compliments so far. Not a single one.

People say actions speak louder than words. So I should appreciate it when he holds me in his arms and looks me in the eyes like we are the only two people in the world. And don't get me wrong, I do. I appreciate it very much and it always makes my heart melt. But when I tell him I miss him, and he doesn't answer back it hurts. When I don't see him for 3 weeks and I don't get a single sweet word it doesn't feel like I am his girlfriend anymore, but more like I am his friend.

I guess the part that hurts is not that he doesn't see me... but maybe it is the fact that I know I am falling in love and it sure feels like he is not...

Because life is an ugly awful place to not have a best friend

I met my best friends new boyfriend last night.

She has been talking about him non-stop since they have started seeing each other. She isn't the big romantic "fall-head-over-heels" type of girl so I was actually quite surprised to see her fall for someone so fast and so hard.
She has had relationships in the past, some good, some bad and all of them have thought her that life can sometimes be a bitch and the best way to protect yourself is to expect nothing. Live the moment. Be realistic. Don't make excuses for things that shouldn't be excused.

I love my best friend. We are similar in so many ways and as a friend you always want the people you care for to be happy... no matter how you feel about this.

The first thing she told me when I saw her last night was: "Please be nice... I really really really like this guy". I am generally not a mean person... but I've been known to be a bitch and I do have some good comebacks. Yes, I speak before I think and I do not let people push me around. But hey, obviously I was going to be nice, what did she expect?

Its weird when your single best friend starts dating someone. It is a little bit like jealousy because now she has someone else to spend more time with and obviously our patterns are going to change. You never actually realise how it must feel until you experience it yourself.

I never understood why my friends pulled a bit away from me when I started dating my boyfriend... and now I understand that I was actually the one moving away from then, and by blaming them for my behaviour I just pushed them away even further.

Meeting the new guy was no easy task... I am a loud mouth and sarcasm is my second language and unfortunately for my best friend so is his.

I am not going to say that I am his biggest fan, but at the same time I am not going to say that I don't like him. I don't know him the way she does. I don't know how he is with people he knows... maybe his big mouth is just a protection against strangers and there judgment towards him. Time will tell what kind of person he is.

I am her friend and I love her. And all I want is for her to be as happy as she deserves and if he gives that to her that I will accept him. I am not here to judge and I am not here to tell her what decisions to make. She has always had my back, no matter what idiot I let into my heart or what misjudgment I made...

My job as a best friend, friend, or partner in crime is not to tell her what to do or who to love... I just have to be happy for her when she is happy.

And when she is sad, upset or mad I will back her up. Make her feel better, and if necessary, break someones nose for making her feel this way.

Meeting the "New" Girl

Last night when I went out I accidentally bumped into one of my ex-boyfriends.... and his new girlfriend.

We have been broken up for ages and we don't have any hard feelings towards each other. I am happy in my new relationship and haven't actually thought about him in a really long time.
But... and yes there is a but, it still felt very weird meeting his new girlfriend.

It's not that I am jealous seeing him in a new relationship and I can in full honesty say that I am in no way attracted to him anymore, but the moment he introduced her to me I started comparing.

So she has brown eyes and is about the same size as me... I see he hasn't changed his hunting pattern... but then you start wondering if he also buys her flowers every now and then to surprise her, does he also imitate voices to her when she is sad... does he cuddle the same way he has with you and does he feel the same way when they kiss.

All these questions haunt your head and at the end of the day it all sums up to one question "Is she better than me?"

Relationships don't work out for many reasons, but the main one is just that you weren't meant to be together. Of course admitting that it just wasn't supposed to be is no easy task when you have spent days and nights crying and wondering what you could have done differently to keep him close to you.

I adore my boyfriend. I think he cares about me and I never worry about his sincerity towards me. And yet, when I saw my ex-boyfriend new girlfriend I wondered: "If I would have bitten my lip the way she does and if I would have touched his arms just like she does would he have stayed? Could we be celebrating our anniversary if I would have flicked my hair like that, or batted my eyelashes like this?" Stupid questions. Questions that don't even matter.

But then he said something that caught me off track: "We are getting married".

It's not that I want to get married right in this instant, and I am a hundred percent sure that he is definitely not the man I wanted to spent the rest of my life with but still... this permanent question is haunting my head "Why her and not me? Why was I not good enough?"

I do believe it is a matter of self confidence and I do believe that all women dread the moment they have to meet the girl that is loving the man you used to fall asleep next to...

But when my phone rang and I saw my boyfriends name on my phone, I suddenly didn't care anymore. Thank God I wasn't good enough, because now I have someone a million times better.
One thing is for sure, it is much easier meeting the "New Girl" when you have found a "New better boy" long before!!!

Opposits attract... but do they really?

Every human being has needs, the need to be loved is one of them...

The saying has it that opposits attract but I actually believe that this only applies for magnets, not humans.

If you are a party animal and your partner a couch potatoe, please tell me how you two are going to make it past the first few weeks. Of course in the beginning you adapt yourself to your partner. You just got together. Everything is fresh and new. No need to get into stupid fights about afternoon hobbies just yet... there will be plenty of time for that later.

My boyfriend and me are quite similar when it comes to that matter... I like to stay home somedays, but I also like to go all out and party like a rockstar from time to time. We are almost in perfect harmony with each other. Obviously, we don't always agree on what the plans for the evening are, but we both compromise with each other. One time he decides, one time I decide. It's a give and take.

But there is one thing that is slightly bothering me... I am a very emotional person. I am loud, dramatic and I have a book full of love quotes. I want big proofs of love, I want fights, tears and gifts. I want signs of affection and messages that are so cheesy it makes outsiders want to barf. I want to receive flowers and go on dates...

My boyfriend cares for me, I have no doubts about that... but he is not the type to spontaneously bring me something that reminded him of me when he saw it... he doesn't take me out on romantic dates and he is surely not one to blurt out his feelings in front of the whole wide world, or even in front of him.

So what now? The question is always, how much of yourself should you be giving up for the one you are with. And if you need to change, adapt, does that eventually mean you aren't supposed to be together?

I don't think so... I wouldn't want to date someone identical to me. All the interesting mystery would be gone if I could predict everything.

So I compromise... I take him out on dates, send him silly sweet corny bumper stickers and blog about him so the whole world knows I care.

Opposites are not what attracted me to him... it's his whole person: the characterstics that resemble me, and the ones that don't all. He is the calming pole when I am going all crazy and nervous about something that isn't even worth bothering about, he is my laughter when I am in the worst mood, and he is my shoulder to lean on when once again I think that the whole world is against me.

Those are the opposites that I definitely need in him and adore him for.

Paranoia

"I am so sorry, but I don't know how to fix the shit I've done and you'll never know that I broke my own heart twice as much as yours."

I've made many mistakes in my life. Some of them I am definitely not proud of...
The worst thing about messing up, is actually the consequences it takes with it. Not only do you have to face the person you actually care for but you also have to, after all has been said and done, live with what you have done.

Many relationships fall apart because of human error. We make mistakes, we hurt the people we love, and worse... we hurt ourselves.

I always thought that the pain would eventually go away... I messed up, I have to live with the consequences. Little did I know, that not only do you have to live with the fact that you may have destroyed something great, no, on top of it, you actually becoming paranoid for your further relationships.

So paranoid that you don't even have to mess up to start thinking you did something wrong.

How many times has it happened that I start reading things into what my boyfriend does,how he acts, what he says... And the only question in my mind in that moment is "What did I do?".

Of course everyone always thinks the cheater is the one to be blamed and the cheated one should get all the sympathy... but when you think about it, the cheater is worse off.

Not only does he (in most of the cases) feel hurt because he lost someone dear to him but he also loses his self coincidence. The only question pondering in a cheaters head is "WHY? Why was I so stupid?"

Future relationships can only suffer from such a thinking... every single action is being read and analyzed. Every word is being weighed...

I am not saying forgive every cheater and show some sympathy I am just saying... people make mistakes, and if these people are your friends, you should have a shoulder for them to lean on, because no matter whose fault it is, getting hurt is never nice...

What's love?

Many times in my life I have confused drama and big theatre with love. Movies and soap operas polute our heads and make us think that real love has to be painful, dramatic and exciting all the time. If there are no tears, no slamming doors and no hurtful words then it is not real love.

It took me a long time to realise that this is not actually the case.

Unfortunately what we see on TV still influences our daily mind and there is no way we can go through the day not comparing ourselves and our relationships with what we see on television.
When I think of love I think of great, big feelings that are so overwhelming that they just need to burst out of me.

But real life is different. There is no screaming, no crying, no begging and forgiving. It is just daily life, how we live and breathe.

Me and my boyfriend usually spend 24 hours together when I am off work. We go to sleep together, wake up together, have breakfast together and so on...

But every now and then I wake up and start wondering if there is maybe more to love than this. I enjoy every single minute we spend together, no matter what we are doing but sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to be treated like I am the most important thing in the world..

What I want is actually pretty simple... Just a sticky note saying "I love you", or a daisy he found that morning laying on her pillow because its the little things that mean the most...

I am not saying my boyfriend doesn't show his affection for me. When we go out with our friends, I can feel him looking for my hand to put on his lap. I can see him eyeing suspciously at other guys. I can enjoy every kiss and hug...

But not always do actions speak louder than words. "I missed you" and "Honey" are such easy words to say, but somehow they never seem to come out of his mouth.

So what is love? What defines how much someone cares for you?

I guess different people just show their affection differently, and at the end of the day, no matter what I am missing somedays, I care for him because of who he is... not who I would like him to be.

When I grow up...

When I was a little girl I was dreaming of being a princess in a big castle with a big white horse. Same dream that every little girl has...

The older I got the more realistic my dream became but the main idea stayed the same... I wanted to find Prince Charming.

If you would ask me what his main strengths should be I would say: funny, good looking, affectionate, smart... all the things a girl looks for in a guy.

I have been thinking about ex-boyfriends I have had and I have come to the pathetic conclusion that I am no different than all the other silly girls walking around this world: We fall for assholes. We make lists with all the things our boyfriends should have, but we end up with the ones that have all the characteristics they should NOT have. And then we are surprised if it leaves us upset or/and heartbroken.

My own Mr. Big has made his reappearance into my life... and that is when I realised that for once I was actually happy and satifsfied with my current relationship.

Mr. Big is charming, good-looking, rich, a chronical cheater, newlywed and used to have me totally under control. I accepted everything from him, as long as he told me he needed me, that I couldn't leave him because he would be lost without me... but at the same time he would not give up his girlfriend (now wife) because he couldn't give up a long-lasting relationship in the wink of an eye.

He used to call me and I would fulfill his every command. Quite sad isn't it? But let's not fool ourselves, we all have had a man in our life that just had full control over us.

Now he is back. He is sending me messages. Wants to see me... NEEDS to see me. And quite honestly. I don't care anymore. I have stopped thinking like a grown-up fool, and went back to my girly childhood dreams of Prince Charming.

N is my Prince Charming right now... he makes me laugh and whenever I am around him I feel giggly... He doesn't take me out to fancy dinners or makes me expensive gifts, but I have lost him once before thinking that this was the type of relationship I needed. I know better now. What I need is his attention. The fact that when we fall asleep next to each other he holds me in his arms and whenever I move away he adjusts in such a way, that we are cuddling the whole night through. I am happy because he makes me laugh, he holds my hand and he wants to be a part of my life...

I know now what I want and what I need and finally they match... I don't need fancy cars, VIP tables in clubs and expensive dinners... all I need is someone that gives me the sense of being home even though my family and friends are far away. N gives me that. And that is more than money can ever buy me...

Finally Happy

For the first time since God knows when I am genuinely happy... I am satisfied with my life right now and just enjoy it.

Of course, work is not exactly my favorite pass time but it is an internship and this is definitely not the position I will have once my studies are completely done and finished with. More important than work right now is my social life though. In the last few years my professional career has been going great. I graduated my first diploma with honors and top of my class... I worked at prestigious five star hotels in Paris and Geneva... but my private life has been suffering from long working hours, difficult holiday planning and me moving every six months.

But now it seems everything is falling into place... at least for a few months. What is going to happen after that, no one knows.

It has been the longest time since I have been in a relationship in which I was happy. Me and N are back together. After a few weeks of hardship and separation due to a stupid decision I made, our paths finally managed to meet again and everything went back to the way it used to be. Or at least sort of. Of course, whatever has led to our separation cannot be forgotten, and the pain that has been caused remains somewhere in the back of our minds, but right now we are just enjoying being close to each other. We laugh, breathe, eat and sleep together as often as we can.I am happy because when we are separated I don't need to worry about who is with and what he is doing. I don't worry that one day I won't be able to reach him or that he wouldn't want to see me. I don't worry about anything. When we are together, we are together... and even when a few kilometers separate us for a few days, I still feel that sense of together-ness. This is what I needed and what has been missing in the past... I can finally recharge my batteries with some love and affection. No drama, no fights, no tears... just fun, relaxation and affection.

Graduation

June 2009

After three years of working hard, studying and mostly having fun with my friends and enjoying the beautiful swiss sites I have obtained my first university diploma...

The first step to finally starting the career that will hopefully someday lead me to become something great.

Graduating is a happy moment. We finally get the acknowledgment for all the hours of work we have put into reports and projects. All the hours where all we wanted to do is sleep but just had to write a few more pages... all the hours where we just felt like killing our group mates... and all those hours were it just seemed impossible to make it until deadline.

But graduating also means the end of something great.

College years will always be unforgotten... Friends were made and some were lost again. We fell in and out of love... there were many many laughters but also many tears. Drama and happy times. That is all part of my last three years.

I have met people that I am quite sure will be part of my life for a very long time... I have learned a lot about reading others and I have learned a lot about myself.

What type of people am I willing to surround myself with and how I want to live my life... those are the two big lessons college has thought me.

People will not always turn out to be the way you thought... you will get disappointed, hurt and sometimes their actions will shock you. Some of my friends turned out to be ennemies and untrusthworthy, but nevertheless I am happy to have met them.

Without having known them I would never have become less naive... I used to trust anyone and believe that everyone is good... just with some people it is harder to find their greatness.

Well now I know, some people can't be trusted, some are just downright mean and some... well some are just hurt sad and lonely and don't know any better but to hurt the ones that care for them.

College was great... Going back knowing the end is near scares me but it is also exciting.

Congratulations too all of us: the GRADUATES of 2009!!!!!

Giving up

I give up... I'm tired.

I'm so lonely and I am so lost. I can't listen to a sad song anymore without bursting into tears. I am an emotional wreck and I want it to stop.

I want all the pain to just go away.

I can't go on and look for love anymore. I keep on searching, I keep on hoping and I keep on losing. I am tired. I have no more energy to spare. 

Why can't it just work out. Just this once. And just for a while. Just long enough for me to get some energy back. Because right now I am drained. I fight and I fight... and now I give up.

Does that make me weak? Does that mean I don't care?

It doesn't matter... All I know is that I have reached a point where there is just no going forward anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with someone who cares for me and loves me. A used to say: "You're my princess. I will give you the world." And what do I have now? Sad songs and many many tears.

Why can't a person, just this once, mean what they say and not disappoint me. Why can't I just get some happiness. 

I am giving up. I have lost faith. I don't want to search anymore... or better, I can't. 

So what do I do know? Wait for better days? 

I have no clue... all I know is that I am not a patient person and whatever is going on in my life right now better get back on track soon or else I will go mad. 

He loves me... he loves me not

What is love? We all believe we found it at one point in our lives... or several.

When I think about my first big love I think of the first serious relationship I had. One and half years of ups and downs. One and half years of tears, laughter, pain and happiness.

How do I know it was really love? Is it the fact that I forgave everything? The lies, the cheating, the constant break-ups... Or is it the fact that I always fought for him? No matter what he did I found ways to get him to come back to me.  

Do I think I loved him because until now I talk to him everytime I am back in town, and everytime I wonder what would actually happen if we got back together. Or did I never love him...

We all confuse being addicted to someone with love at some point in our lives.

It's like a drug we can't get rid off. We are dependent and no matter what we do, we can't get rid of this strong attraction. 

Until now I don't know why I put up with everything he did. I always wonder what would have happened if I would have given up when we had the first fight, the first break-up, the first lies and the first cheating. Would I be less damaged? Would it be easier for me to fall for someone, if the one person I needed to love me back would have actually managed to get his feelings right and give me what I deserve?

I will never know. All I know is that like everyone I am addicted to love. I am afraid to be alone and I was never single for a long time. And even though I want to fall head over heels for someone I keep my guards up. I make wrong choices, I break peoples hearts and I repeat the painful things that have been done to me and I end up alone and sad.

I wish my past would not affect my future and I would base all my decisions on my present. But I am a burned child and even though the wounds have healed a long time ago, the scars they left  behind still make me ugly, and scare people away when they get to me know me better and discover them.

I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned from the past... but I wan't to forgive. Because until now, I haven't forgiven the person that has burned me... and as long as I can't let go, I am hurting the people around me. 

There is a quote that has been dominating my life for a long time now: "Have you ever hurt anyone you love in such a way that doesn't seem like you? But then you can't go back and make it different? It's the kind of pain you can't even imagine..."

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore... I want to be happy and for that I need to trust again.

I need the person that I loved to tell me that they are sorry... but since this will never happen, I need to forgive and forget. I have been stuck in the same spot for two years. I need to move on and stop expecting everyone to be the same at the end of the day, because by doing that, I push them into a corner in which they have no way to get out but by hurting me.

I want to be happy. I want to fall in love... and I want to get close to the sun without getting burned.

Tears are the words the heart can't express

My boyfriend didn't call today.

He didn't message, didn't send me an e-mail and did not call.

He never does that normally. Even when we are just 200 meters away from each other for a day, because I am in class and he is working, I get a message asking me what I am doing or telling me at what time he will be home or how he feels.

Today... nothing.

I don't know how I feel about this. There was a time a few days ago where I was sure that this relationship was over. That maybe we were just meant to be friends and I should just enjoy my life with whoever and whatever comes with it.

Then I remember the way he smells, or the way we lie in bed and look into each other's eyes. These moments are special. The magic is somehow in the air... but these moments are becoming fewer and fewer and I don't know how to get them back.

I am not a fighter. I give up and walk away before leaving becomes to painful.

I think I love him, I think he could love me... and I also think it is too late for us to be happy together. Too much has been left unsaid. Too much stands between us two. We know what it is, but both of us are scared to say it out loud.

So we keep it inside us. Keep it far away from where it could break our hearts and just wait... wait for us to wake up one morning feeling too tired to continue, too exhausted to fight anymore... We wait until there is nothing left too said and we are just two strangers that have missed their chance on being happy together...

Influences

Our whole life we make choices according to other peoples opinion. 

When we are children we decide what we should do because of what our parents tell us. We either choose to follow the rules or to break them but either way we base our decisions depending on how they would react.

Then we grow up and are under the influence of peer-pressure. We do what we can to stay "cool" and shape our wants and needs according to the wishes of the group.

So how do we know that how we act or react is because of our own desires. How do we know that we don't react to group image and base our decisions on what is really the best for us...

How can I know that I am making the right choice if I don't even know what I want and what I am doing to make other people happy.

Who am I making decision for? My parents, my friends... or myself?

Being influenced is not necessarily bad... or is it?

How many times have we made decisions that did not follow the regular routine? How many times have we decided against something even though deep down we actually wanted to do it but our friends veto-ed against...

All my life has been influenced by who I live with and who I want to become, that I completely forgot who I am.

Who am I? Who are we when we listen to only ourselves?

I think it is time for me to fine-tune my real desires and figure out what kind of person I really want to be.

Making the right choice

I have a boyfriend that I adore. When I am with him I can feel like I can be just me. I don't need to look perfect at all times, we can goof around, we can have romantic moments and we can look into each others eyes and feel like the whole world just stops turning for a few moments.

I am twenty and I think I am falling in love with him.

My whole life I was wondering how it feels to have that one special someone in my life. The one that you just enjoy being with... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The one person that makes you feel like you don't need anyone else but him.

I found that person. N gives me everything I need. He understands me, makes me laugh and we have the best time together. Why can I never be happy with what I have?

I met a guy a few weeks back. A is not bad looking, filthy rich and loves taking me out to dinner or shopping. He is the kind of guy a girl can really "use" if she is a bitch.

Who doesn't want to have a boyfriend like this? He takes you on holidays, makes you feel like a princess, shows you the world and pampers you the way you deserve it.

But when I am with him I feel like I need to be perfect. My hair has to look a certain way, my make-up has to be right, I have to watch how I talk and I would never lie on his couch in my jogging pants watching a silly girl movie.

So how do you make a choice? Should you be with the guy with whom you can be just you or should you be with the guy that can make all your wildest dreams come true?

I am twenty... I am not supposed to have my one big love hit me right now... I still have a few years before I have to settle down.

But what if I give away what I have now because I am greedy and always want more? What if I make the wrong choice and end up losing?

I am confused. I am lost. I don't know where to stand and what to do.

What you give is not what you get

The first month of a relationship is the nicest. You are getting to know each other and could spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week just with that one single person. 

All your friends look at you like you are mad for not getting bored of each other already and if you would get a penny for everytime they say "Oh come on, get a room" you would be rich by now.

Then the normal life starts settling back in... well... sort of.

Normally, when you come back to your "before boyfriend"-life your friends take you back in open arms. You have been there for them all this time, and you have always been there when they needed you. But then you realise that they don't spend time with you anymore, you are not included in their gossips, and they don't call when they are planning on going out to do something.

They basically just erased you from their "after school/work"-life.

How did that happen? Weren't you always there for them? Didn't you pick up the phone when they were calling crying in the middle of the night? Didn't you lie to friends to keep them out of trouble, without them even thanking you? Haven't you done all this for them?

Then why aren't they there for you as well when you reemerge from your lovey-dovey mood.

They whisper in each other ears when you are around, telling each other secrets that obviously you can't be part of. 

You gave so much for them, and they give you up because you stepped out of the party life for just a few weeks to calm down, to settle yourself and refocus. They choose celebrating with free booze and unknown guys that will pay for it over a girls night out.

That is what you have come back to. So how can anyone be surprised if you rather spend your time with someone that actually WANTS to spend time with you?

Memories

Our whole life consists of dates... birthdays, wedding anniversaries, graduation day, the day of someones death...

We spend all our time memorizing what happened on what day last year, five years ago, ten years ago... But when you start thinking about it:

Of what importance is the date? The calendar has a magic that makes us imagine a memory can be resurrected and revived, but nothing returns.

I love the whole: "We have been together for a month today".... for a year... for 32 years.

My parents have been married for 32 years... on the same day I was celebrating the end of the first month of relationship with my new boyfriend.

Isn't it funny how big something might seem to you, but how minimal it suddenly becomes when you compare it to other people?

Why do we so desperately cling on to dates of the calendar to determine our happiness? We fight and struggle to get to that one year mark... but shouldn't it just come by itself? Time should fly by and dates should be of no importance. People should not celebrate being in love once a year, but every day they are together.

We should not celebrate the day we came to the world once a year, but should embrace the fact every single day of our lifes, no matter how happy or sad we are in this moment.

No matter how much you consult your memory, the evidence, and events of the day, you'll simply end up clinging desperately to your attempt to rediscover that lost happiness and a time that has disappeared forever.

Never hold on to old memories.... just make new ones!

The sixth sense

Rumor has it, that women have a sixth sense.

I don't believe in witchcraft, voodoos and card readers... but I do actually believe that women have something like a gut intuition.

Everytime this feeling inside me grows I know for a fact that something that is not going to please me is going to happen.

I have felt a break-up 24 hours in advance, every single time. Sometimes even before the guy knew he wanted to leave me. I have always felt it when someone cheated on me, and I always knew when a friend betrayed me.

Maybe I am just really good in reading people or maybe I just have this sixth sense... but sometimes I really wish I didn't. 

Have you ever blamed yourself for a break-up? Told yourself that if you would have acted differently, that if you have told him just how you feel everything could have been different?

Some relationships are hard to forget. They are in the past and the grass has grown over them but sometimes you just start wondering... what if?

What if I had given up my life for him... what if I had invested a little more into our relationship... what if I had moved to the same country??? All questions that will never have answers. 

But today I read a quote that made me realise something that I had not understood for a long time. "If you love someone, you would be willing to give up your whole life for them. But if they loved you back, they would never ask you to!"

I always thought I had made the mistakes. I should have just ran head first through the wall, do the big jump and risk it all. But now I know... if it is really love then I shouldn't have to give up my life and my dreams for this one person... because this one person would be my life and my dreams.

Maybe I do have a gut feeling for break-ups, bad news and heartache moments... or maybe I just realise the truth that I have been hiding from myself.

If eyes could talk

Admitting how you feel is never easy.

Most of us don't want the person that just broke our heart into a million small pieces to know how hurt we are.

Women are supposed to be the sensitive sex. The ones that get soft when seeing a cute little puppy, the ones that cry watching a romantic movie, the ones that sigh at the sight of fireworks and sunsets.

I think women are actually the stronger sex. Of course men are thought that big boys don't cry.

But it is also expected from women... Big girls don't cry.

How many times did I cry in silence in my room so that no one could see how weak I actually am. Being strong in front of everyone else is the only protection a girl has from the outside world.

Most of us carry our heart on our sleeves. We fall for the wrong boys, reject the good ones and end up getting hurt and wondering how we could have let it get this far.

If only the person you love could read your true feelings in your eyes. How many times have I tried looking into the eyes of the person that just broke my heart trying to show how hurt I am while I am saying: "It's okay, no worries, I get it..."

But eyes don't talk. In German we say "Augen sind die Spiegel der Seele".... "Eyes are the mirrors of your soul". But people can't read your eyes, or they choose not to. Not only tears show pain... if you look into someones eyes you can figure out how they truly feel... past what they say and how they behave. Eyes don't lie.

But it is easier to believe the words we hear, to believe that we didn't hurt the person we once loved and still care for, to believe that everything will be okay and that you didn't just break a part of someone.

Maybe it is better that eyes can talk... because then we don't have to listen to the truth.

Stupid me... or better, stupid them

Ok, I suck... I am the biggest loser of history. I told myself that my new years resolution would be not to fall for guys with girlfriends anymore. Not to kiss them, not to sleep with them and worst-case scenario, NOT to be their mistress.

And hey, the first guy I kissed in this shiny bright year 2009 has.... drumroll please.... A GIRLFRIEND. That he is not going to leave. 

And some more drumroll please and some applause... the second guy I kissed also has a girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, or something in between.

How is that even possible???? I think I magically attract guys that are already in a steady relationship. No matter if their relationship is going well or not, they glue to me like magnets! It's unbelievable! I really don't know what to do anymore!!! 

How is it possible that every man I meet, that is potentially hot, potentially nice and potentially boyfriend-material has a girlfriend at home that he is willing to cheat on?

What is it about me, that makes men want to cheat on their girlfriends?

I really have to figure that one out. I never saw me in the image of the mistress, but it seems that at this moment that is really the only thing I am going to get so I might as well make the best out of it... I mean, hey, being a single lady that still gets dinner dates and hot steamy sex does have quite some perks.

Until I figure out how to find a single man that I am attracted to and that is attracted to me, I will just stick to the hot taken men and let myself be pampered without the whole stressful relationship issues.

Happiness

This is it. I am sick of my emo-mood! Enough is enough. I have been depressed and sentimental for the last year. That all belongs to 2008 now. This year everything will be different. I will be the strong independent woman I promised myself to be. No more tears, no more hurt, no more over analyzing.

If a guy wants to be with me, he will be with me. He will find a way. I have to stop making excuses, and I definitely have to stop trying to find the blame with me. I mean I go on dates and everything goes well... until he tells me he has a girlfriend. Obviously I am not to blame for that. How was I supposed to know? I still really don't understand why a guy that is in a steady relationship goes on dates with single girls, but hey, at least I learned something new. First question: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Right before I ask what's your name and can I have your number! That is for sure.

Now I have a long-distance flirt with a guy that I dated for two weeks when I was back in the Philippines and rumor has it he has a long-distance relationship with another girl. But how do you ask someone you are not dating if the rumors are true? Well, you don't.

Improved me doesn't care. We don't live in the same country, we are not a couple and we probably won't be in the near future, so why should I risk our "friendship"? The way it is now I get some nice messages every few days and it makes me feel good.

That is the 2009 me. Selfish! It is just going to be me. I am going to do whatever makes me happy and whatever doesn't: GOODBYE!!!!

I always watch out for everyone else, make sure they are happy and that my girlfriends don't date the wrong guys and if they do fall for the bad type I tell them, loud and clear. 

I still haven't figured out why I can always analyze everyone elses relationship. Tell them what to do and how to do it. I make them feel better when they are sad and depressed and I am happy for them when they are excited about something great (or boring) that has happened to them.

But with me... I date the wrong guys, I don't listen to anyones advice and I always get hurt and never figure out how to fix myself.

Time for a change. Time to make the right choice. Time to be HAPPY

Old letter

Today I found an old letter that I wrote when me and my boyfriend broke up. I read it and I started remembering all the feelings I had when we were together, when we broke up and when we started to try being friends...  And I was just wondering if I was really over him after two years... And if maybe it was time to give him this letter......

And again I am sitting here; I still don't know what I should write you. I have so much to say, but after having destroyed our relationship, I don't want to destroy our friendship; because right now, I still haven't decided if I want it. I feel guilty... but at the same time I feel betrayed. After we broke up we spoke to each other with more honesty than we ever had in the past and at the same time you made me understand, that it will never be like this again. That is what scares me the most. You are acting as if everything is normal, or at least you are trying to make it seem like that. But exactly THAT is, what makes me so sad. Don't you care enough for me, to show me your true feelings? Why aren't you talking to me??? Oh, we talk, are you going to say. Yes, you are right, you talk, but you are not saying anything. You don't say anything to me anymore. Couldn't the end of everything have come sooner??? Then I wouldn't have so many memories and so much stuff that I connect to you. Everywhere I look, everything I hear and everything I see, I connect it to you. When you are not here, I need you! I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you the way you are now. Why doesn't it work? What happened, that you can't talk to me about? Not only love needs honesty, friendship does to. I expect from my friends honesty. Friendship means, telling each other things, that you may not want to hear. And if our "Friendship" is not strong enough, if YOU are not strong enough, then it's not worth it. Maybe my expectations are too high... You know that I am not like this with everyone. Not all my friends need to tell me everything. NO! But when they do tell me something, if it's private or just their opinion, then I still expect from THEM to be honest. I've had enough experience with lying and backstabing friends and I don't want to relive that EVER again. I don't want this to ever happen to me, especially not with you.

Until now we could always communicate without words. I hate you for that evening where you had to become the ultimate center of my life. I can't think of anything else. I can't focus on anything and if my best friend wouldn't be there to support me, I would be dead already. At least emotionally. Is this just a mean game you are playing? Are you going to stand in front of my door one day and say: "Just kidding"? I hope so, because it is easier to get through the day like that. On the other hand, I don't want to want you anymore! It would be much easier if I could just switch off love. It would help everyone. But it is not that easy. Do I want to spend my life with someone else but you? No. I think about my future, but it doesn't work alone. Only with you can there be a real future. Because you are always there, in every thought I have. You probably don't have an idea about how you are cutting me open by pretending nothing ever happened. Maybe you think, you are doing me a favor, but you are killing me. Because nothing is as bad as pretending everything is okay. Because nothing is okay.

I try being mad at you, and sometimes it even works. But only for a few minutes. Then I think about us and I feel like crying. Just like that. I can't help it. I try distracting me, but the thought of you fills up my whole life. Every minute I am scared I might think of you again. That really hurts me. I always thought I was insensitive to heartbreak. Congratulations! You proved me wrong. I always thought everything would stay the same forever. But my whole world is turned upside down now and nothing, NOTHING is the way it used to me. "Why" is really a word that should have never been invented. Because this little three-letter word is suddenly huge. Everywhere I go, everything I do, every thought goes back to you. Don't they say "All roads lead to Rome"? You are my Rome, my thoughts all lead to you, and I am completely overwhelmed.

You were just at my house, and the whole time I had to keep my tears back. It is hard to see you. And it's also hard, not to see you. I won't cry in front of you because... I don't know why, but I don't want you to see how bad I feel. Do you ever think about what you have done? Are you aware what a little sentence has done to me? Do you sit at home and cry, or do you continue living your life, as if nothing happened? It is so hard. So fucking hard to know that you are not there anymore. My heart was beating like crazy the whole day, because I was so nervous. There are days where I don't want to see you ever again, because I know, that that would be for the best for me, that I would get over you much faster. But I can't imagine my life without you. I want to text you, talk to you on the phone, I want to see you, I want to share my life with you. That is why I take the pain when you tell me you are going to pass by to see me. I want to see you, whatever it takes. But when you get here, and I look at you, and I hear everything you are telling me, I want you to leave. I don't want to see you anymore. But I don't find the strength to tell you. Because then it will just get harder. And I can't take any more pain. It's so hard to not just break down and cry. I am trying to keep it all together, but if you completely disappear from my life, then there is nothing left worth waking up for in the morning even though it is really hard. Hope dies last.

I wanted to delete your phone number so that I don't have to call you anymore. But I couldn't. If I read your name, just when I read your name, my heart starts beating faster and my eyes are teary. That is what you made of me. I used to be really good in covering up my bad mood. No one would ever guess how I was feeling. But what is the use for it now??? The world can know how much you hurt me. They can all know how pathetic I am when I sit at my kitchen table and cry a million tears. With a single sentence you managed to do that to me.

I am sick of crying. You are not worth all those tears. I just want you to know what you have made of me. I can't sleep, I can't eat.

I deleted your number today. Now I want it back. I want to write you. I want to hear your voice. Yesterday it has been two weeks; two weeks, that doesn't sound long. But if you only have one thought, two weeks seem like forever. So much has changed. And I am still sitting at the kitchen table. And I am still writing. I am writing everything, everything that goes through my head, and everything is you! Why doesn't it get easier to handle?

On Monday I wrote in my calendar: "Today is the day you take your life back into your own hands". Yes, it worked on Monday. On Tuesday someone asked me about you, and I couldn't answer, and my day was ruined. 

It's weekend again. Much has changed in the last two days. Wednesday was the first day without tears. You told me, that there were no more feelings. You searched and searched, but you just didn't love me anymore. I don't know. I can't believe you. Or maybe I just don't want to. Because that would mean, to accept, that it is over. Can you throw away such a long time just like this? Apparently yes. Who wants friendship when they can have love??? But who wants friendship when the love is gone???

"I love you, and because of that I don't want you in my life anymore."

That should have been the last sentence of this letter, but I don't have the courage yet, because... I can't and I don't want to be without you. Maybe that is also too much for you and you don't want to talk to me anymore, after you read this letter. Don't have pity for me.

I will never not-care for you, and that is why I hate you! How can a single person destroy my life like this? In such a short time?! I always thought I was Master of Commander, but I lost all control now, it's too much, I am confused, sad, angry, relieved, hopeless, a desaster, not sociable, BROKEN! And disappointed with myself.

At first I wasn't sure if I could be friends with you. I still don't know. My opinion changes all the time, like the weather. At one moment I am sure that it can't be that bad. And five minutes later I am going totally crazy. This is why you can't expect too much from me. Please leave the decision with me. It can't go on like this, and we both know it. If it's a friendship, then only a superficial one, because we are both lying to each other again.

I gave you my heart, and you broke it.

I changed my mind. I will try and if it doesn't work, I will give you this letter.

Please don't contact me. Please don't come over.

I love you, and that is why I don't ever want to see or hear from you.

I wish you a good life but please without me...

... I still haven't made a decision. And I still haven't given him this letter. I still can't stand not having him in my life. But having him in my life, is still destroying me, bit by bit.

I used to be alone... now I am lonely

Everyone around me is pairing up. It's like a disease that is spreading around me and it's driving me mad. I actually think that it is contagious. It all started with one of my close friends dating a guy that turned into her steady boyfriend and suddenly all the people I know are in a relationship. My ex-boyfriends find new girlfriends, my "always single"-girlfriends find their perfect match, my cousins start getting married, the "life of the party"-boys fall in love... It's maddening. Especially because I am dying to find my perfect match. 

To make matters worse, my sister gave me all four "Twilight" books... I read three of them in four days. Timing could not have been worse for me. I am miserable because I am alone and I am reading books about love. Real love. Not the "I like you, you like me, let's see if it works out"-kinda love but the real "we are soulmates"-type. I am sucker for quotes... and when the books goes into the lovey-dovey kinda mood and says things like "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger" I just die right there and start crying.

I am not someone to show my feelings out to anyone. I never cry because of a broken heart in public. When I am hurt in such a way that I can't breathe I am usually alone. I sit on the floor and let the wave hit me. And I just wait, I just wait for a better day. 

It's not fair that I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. Of course, there are guys around me... but they are not the ones I can imagine myself building a future with. Usually when I meet someone that makes me comfortable in a way that only a potential boyfriend can, they turn out to have girlfriends. I am lonely, so deeply lonely I can't even describe it. 

I try to be happy for my friends. I really do. But when I see their faces light up when they see their special someone or when I hear them talk to each other I can't help but feel jealous and envy them. I want someone to come home too as well. I can't think of anything better right now but to go into bed, snuggle right next to the person that has my heart and stuff my nose into his chest just to take in that familiar scent that makes my heartbeat accelerate... 

When I go out I have fun. I flirt and laugh and pose for the cameras. And then I come home, take off the fancy outfit and the make-up from my face... and when I look in the mirror I see me. And I see in my eyes what only my best friend can see: That I am broken. I am damaged and I still haven't found a way to fix myself. I'm in pain and I'm lonely. I just need someone to be there for me, to love me and to be my sun. Because right now I'm frozen into this moment and the longer I am, the less I seem to be able to move... I don't want to be numb, I want to be saved. I don't care that I am not the strong, independent woman I promised myself to be. Right now I am a helpless, broken girl that wants a strong man to help her get back on her feet. Back into the world and out of the dark...