"You suck as a friend", "Fuck you", "I don't need you!!"... Those are only a few of the things I've said to my best friend six weeks ago. Six weeks that I have been spending trying to apologize and make him forgive me for those hurtful words I pronounced.
My best friend and me met in college. It was his last year and the beginning of my second... He was this arrogant jock whose big mouth and quick comebacks made everyone fear him. There was no in-between with Alex. You were either friends or not... He's not the type of guy that will hang out with you and listen to you just to be polite. He won't tell you everything is going to be okay when it clearly won't be. And he sure as hell won't make everything look peachy for you, just because you are sad and want someone to pretend all is pretty and shiny.
Alex is honest. He isn't scared of telling you the truth. Some might say this means he doesn't love you or doesn't care that his words might hurt you. But I know Alex. No matter how hurtful the truth is, he knows that worse than that is the feeling of being lied to. He was my best friend. He would always help me when I asked for advice and he was always there when I needed him to be... and trust me, that happened quite often.
Alex has a theory about friends. He thinks that from all the "friends" you have there are these 10%. These people are your real friends, something like family. These are the people you can trust and keep close to yourself without having to be afraid they will eventually hurt you.
But as you can see... I said Alex WAS my best friend. I messed up big time. And it seems that I can't find a way to make it alright again. I was in a dark place from which Alex tried to pull me out, but I guess I just had gotten to this place where I needed to be left alone. Where any advice was wrong advice, and where the truth was more than just unwelcome.
Alex was there, like he always is. Showing me clearly why things had gone wrong and basically explaining to me that the only way I could fix my life was to change... He was telling me that the reason I felt so bad, is because I didn't like the person in the mirror.
Now, six weeks later. After I have been threw a thorough self-analysis, I know he was right. But I guess it's too late. He doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't want to be part of my dramatic life anymore, even though I have been trying to erase all the drama from it.
In the process of finding myself again, I lost a friend. Someone I really care for and that I truly love. And now I just wonder, was it worth it? Was saving myself worth losing him?
I don't know... I guess sometimes you need to make sacrifices... I just wished it wouldn't have to be Alex. I miss him. All the time. Constantly. And I just want him to know that I'll always be there for him and he will always be in my heart. He is part of my 10% people... no matter how far away from each other we are, or how distant we have become.
No comments:
Post a Comment