Soul-broken

All the romantic movies we watch and all the heart-tearing books we read, always talk about the same thing. A lost love, a broken heart. But no one ever talks about the real pain... The pain of losing a friend.

I didn't know it before either, but now that it has happened to me I understand, that losing a lover breaks your heart, but losing a friend breaks your soul.

Losing in love is no easy task... but with time, hearts mend. You forgive and move on. You find love in someone else and replace what has been.

But when your friend gives up on you and walks away, something inside you dies. A part of your soul. And maybe you'll learn from the mistake you've made and maybe you will move on, but I don't think that this kind of pain will ever go away... I don't think that time can heal your soul. Sometimes people hurt the ones they care for deeper than they expected. I know I did. I never meant for it to happen but in the heat of madness I said words that I will never be able to take back. I've hurt someone I care for, without wanting to...

Hearts can mend. You never forget the people who hurt it, but with time, eventually you feel better. You learn from the mistakes you've made... but how to you learn how to live without your best friend?

The more I try to fix things, the worse I make it. Different people have different ways of dealing with betrayal, and yes, my best friend thinks I have betrayed him by saying the things I've said. Obviously his way of healing is to be alone, far away from me and my excuses.

I guess pretending he doesn't notice how we are drifting so far apart, is better for him. Pretending he doesn't know that we will eventually reach a point where no matter what we do, we'll be too distant from each other to fix things again, is his way to feel better.

But I am stubborn, always have and always will be... So I try to apologize over and over and over again.

I've tried to mend the broken pieces, but I feel like the more I try to fix it, the worse I make things. I hurt him. I apologize. And I get mad when won't accept my words...

When he told me it always had to be my way or the highway, and that right now he just didn't feel me anymore, it hurt. We're not on the same level and we are not connecting like we used to. And now, for once, I'll stop being so stubborn and give him space to breathe. For his sake, for my sake... but really, for the sake of our friendship.

The harder I push, the further he drifts away... And he is far away enough already. I can't afford for him to hate me even more than he already does.

My heart has been broken many times, and sometimes I really didn't think I would be able to fix it again and the pain... the pain was so overwhelming sometimes that I didn't think it would ever go away again.

If that is how I feel when my heart gets broken, what happens when my soul does?