What is love? We all believe we found it at one point in our lives... or several.
When I think about my first big love I think of the first serious relationship I had. One and half years of ups and downs. One and half years of tears, laughter, pain and happiness.
How do I know it was really love? Is it the fact that I forgave everything? The lies, the cheating, the constant break-ups... Or is it the fact that I always fought for him? No matter what he did I found ways to get him to come back to me.
Do I think I loved him because until now I talk to him everytime I am back in town, and everytime I wonder what would actually happen if we got back together. Or did I never love him...
We all confuse being addicted to someone with love at some point in our lives.
It's like a drug we can't get rid off. We are dependent and no matter what we do, we can't get rid of this strong attraction.
Until now I don't know why I put up with everything he did. I always wonder what would have happened if I would have given up when we had the first fight, the first break-up, the first lies and the first cheating. Would I be less damaged? Would it be easier for me to fall for someone, if the one person I needed to love me back would have actually managed to get his feelings right and give me what I deserve?
I will never know. All I know is that like everyone I am addicted to love. I am afraid to be alone and I was never single for a long time. And even though I want to fall head over heels for someone I keep my guards up. I make wrong choices, I break peoples hearts and I repeat the painful things that have been done to me and I end up alone and sad.
I wish my past would not affect my future and I would base all my decisions on my present. But I am a burned child and even though the wounds have healed a long time ago, the scars they left behind still make me ugly, and scare people away when they get to me know me better and discover them.
I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned from the past... but I wan't to forgive. Because until now, I haven't forgiven the person that has burned me... and as long as I can't let go, I am hurting the people around me.
There is a quote that has been dominating my life for a long time now: "Have you ever hurt anyone you love in such a way that doesn't seem like you? But then you can't go back and make it different? It's the kind of pain you can't even imagine..."
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore... I want to be happy and for that I need to trust again.
I need the person that I loved to tell me that they are sorry... but since this will never happen, I need to forgive and forget. I have been stuck in the same spot for two years. I need to move on and stop expecting everyone to be the same at the end of the day, because by doing that, I push them into a corner in which they have no way to get out but by hurting me.
I want to be happy. I want to fall in love... and I want to get close to the sun without getting burned.
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