Everyone around me is pairing up. It's like a disease that is spreading around me and it's driving me mad. I actually think that it is contagious. It all started with one of my close friends dating a guy that turned into her steady boyfriend and suddenly all the people I know are in a relationship. My ex-boyfriends find new girlfriends, my "always single"-girlfriends find their perfect match, my cousins start getting married, the "life of the party"-boys fall in love... It's maddening. Especially because I am dying to find my perfect match.
To make matters worse, my sister gave me all four "Twilight" books... I read three of them in four days. Timing could not have been worse for me. I am miserable because I am alone and I am reading books about love. Real love. Not the "I like you, you like me, let's see if it works out"-kinda love but the real "we are soulmates"-type. I am sucker for quotes... and when the books goes into the lovey-dovey kinda mood and says things like "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger" I just die right there and start crying.
I am not someone to show my feelings out to anyone. I never cry because of a broken heart in public. When I am hurt in such a way that I can't breathe I am usually alone. I sit on the floor and let the wave hit me. And I just wait, I just wait for a better day.
It's not fair that I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. Of course, there are guys around me... but they are not the ones I can imagine myself building a future with. Usually when I meet someone that makes me comfortable in a way that only a potential boyfriend can, they turn out to have girlfriends. I am lonely, so deeply lonely I can't even describe it.
I try to be happy for my friends. I really do. But when I see their faces light up when they see their special someone or when I hear them talk to each other I can't help but feel jealous and envy them. I want someone to come home too as well. I can't think of anything better right now but to go into bed, snuggle right next to the person that has my heart and stuff my nose into his chest just to take in that familiar scent that makes my heartbeat accelerate...
When I go out I have fun. I flirt and laugh and pose for the cameras. And then I come home, take off the fancy outfit and the make-up from my face... and when I look in the mirror I see me. And I see in my eyes what only my best friend can see: That I am broken. I am damaged and I still haven't found a way to fix myself. I'm in pain and I'm lonely. I just need someone to be there for me, to love me and to be my sun. Because right now I'm frozen into this moment and the longer I am, the less I seem to be able to move... I don't want to be numb, I want to be saved. I don't care that I am not the strong, independent woman I promised myself to be. Right now I am a helpless, broken girl that wants a strong man to help her get back on her feet. Back into the world and out of the dark...
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