Old letter

Today I found an old letter that I wrote when me and my boyfriend broke up. I read it and I started remembering all the feelings I had when we were together, when we broke up and when we started to try being friends...  And I was just wondering if I was really over him after two years... And if maybe it was time to give him this letter......

And again I am sitting here; I still don't know what I should write you. I have so much to say, but after having destroyed our relationship, I don't want to destroy our friendship; because right now, I still haven't decided if I want it. I feel guilty... but at the same time I feel betrayed. After we broke up we spoke to each other with more honesty than we ever had in the past and at the same time you made me understand, that it will never be like this again. That is what scares me the most. You are acting as if everything is normal, or at least you are trying to make it seem like that. But exactly THAT is, what makes me so sad. Don't you care enough for me, to show me your true feelings? Why aren't you talking to me??? Oh, we talk, are you going to say. Yes, you are right, you talk, but you are not saying anything. You don't say anything to me anymore. Couldn't the end of everything have come sooner??? Then I wouldn't have so many memories and so much stuff that I connect to you. Everywhere I look, everything I hear and everything I see, I connect it to you. When you are not here, I need you! I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you the way you are now. Why doesn't it work? What happened, that you can't talk to me about? Not only love needs honesty, friendship does to. I expect from my friends honesty. Friendship means, telling each other things, that you may not want to hear. And if our "Friendship" is not strong enough, if YOU are not strong enough, then it's not worth it. Maybe my expectations are too high... You know that I am not like this with everyone. Not all my friends need to tell me everything. NO! But when they do tell me something, if it's private or just their opinion, then I still expect from THEM to be honest. I've had enough experience with lying and backstabing friends and I don't want to relive that EVER again. I don't want this to ever happen to me, especially not with you.

Until now we could always communicate without words. I hate you for that evening where you had to become the ultimate center of my life. I can't think of anything else. I can't focus on anything and if my best friend wouldn't be there to support me, I would be dead already. At least emotionally. Is this just a mean game you are playing? Are you going to stand in front of my door one day and say: "Just kidding"? I hope so, because it is easier to get through the day like that. On the other hand, I don't want to want you anymore! It would be much easier if I could just switch off love. It would help everyone. But it is not that easy. Do I want to spend my life with someone else but you? No. I think about my future, but it doesn't work alone. Only with you can there be a real future. Because you are always there, in every thought I have. You probably don't have an idea about how you are cutting me open by pretending nothing ever happened. Maybe you think, you are doing me a favor, but you are killing me. Because nothing is as bad as pretending everything is okay. Because nothing is okay.

I try being mad at you, and sometimes it even works. But only for a few minutes. Then I think about us and I feel like crying. Just like that. I can't help it. I try distracting me, but the thought of you fills up my whole life. Every minute I am scared I might think of you again. That really hurts me. I always thought I was insensitive to heartbreak. Congratulations! You proved me wrong. I always thought everything would stay the same forever. But my whole world is turned upside down now and nothing, NOTHING is the way it used to me. "Why" is really a word that should have never been invented. Because this little three-letter word is suddenly huge. Everywhere I go, everything I do, every thought goes back to you. Don't they say "All roads lead to Rome"? You are my Rome, my thoughts all lead to you, and I am completely overwhelmed.

You were just at my house, and the whole time I had to keep my tears back. It is hard to see you. And it's also hard, not to see you. I won't cry in front of you because... I don't know why, but I don't want you to see how bad I feel. Do you ever think about what you have done? Are you aware what a little sentence has done to me? Do you sit at home and cry, or do you continue living your life, as if nothing happened? It is so hard. So fucking hard to know that you are not there anymore. My heart was beating like crazy the whole day, because I was so nervous. There are days where I don't want to see you ever again, because I know, that that would be for the best for me, that I would get over you much faster. But I can't imagine my life without you. I want to text you, talk to you on the phone, I want to see you, I want to share my life with you. That is why I take the pain when you tell me you are going to pass by to see me. I want to see you, whatever it takes. But when you get here, and I look at you, and I hear everything you are telling me, I want you to leave. I don't want to see you anymore. But I don't find the strength to tell you. Because then it will just get harder. And I can't take any more pain. It's so hard to not just break down and cry. I am trying to keep it all together, but if you completely disappear from my life, then there is nothing left worth waking up for in the morning even though it is really hard. Hope dies last.

I wanted to delete your phone number so that I don't have to call you anymore. But I couldn't. If I read your name, just when I read your name, my heart starts beating faster and my eyes are teary. That is what you made of me. I used to be really good in covering up my bad mood. No one would ever guess how I was feeling. But what is the use for it now??? The world can know how much you hurt me. They can all know how pathetic I am when I sit at my kitchen table and cry a million tears. With a single sentence you managed to do that to me.

I am sick of crying. You are not worth all those tears. I just want you to know what you have made of me. I can't sleep, I can't eat.

I deleted your number today. Now I want it back. I want to write you. I want to hear your voice. Yesterday it has been two weeks; two weeks, that doesn't sound long. But if you only have one thought, two weeks seem like forever. So much has changed. And I am still sitting at the kitchen table. And I am still writing. I am writing everything, everything that goes through my head, and everything is you! Why doesn't it get easier to handle?

On Monday I wrote in my calendar: "Today is the day you take your life back into your own hands". Yes, it worked on Monday. On Tuesday someone asked me about you, and I couldn't answer, and my day was ruined. 

It's weekend again. Much has changed in the last two days. Wednesday was the first day without tears. You told me, that there were no more feelings. You searched and searched, but you just didn't love me anymore. I don't know. I can't believe you. Or maybe I just don't want to. Because that would mean, to accept, that it is over. Can you throw away such a long time just like this? Apparently yes. Who wants friendship when they can have love??? But who wants friendship when the love is gone???

"I love you, and because of that I don't want you in my life anymore."

That should have been the last sentence of this letter, but I don't have the courage yet, because... I can't and I don't want to be without you. Maybe that is also too much for you and you don't want to talk to me anymore, after you read this letter. Don't have pity for me.

I will never not-care for you, and that is why I hate you! How can a single person destroy my life like this? In such a short time?! I always thought I was Master of Commander, but I lost all control now, it's too much, I am confused, sad, angry, relieved, hopeless, a desaster, not sociable, BROKEN! And disappointed with myself.

At first I wasn't sure if I could be friends with you. I still don't know. My opinion changes all the time, like the weather. At one moment I am sure that it can't be that bad. And five minutes later I am going totally crazy. This is why you can't expect too much from me. Please leave the decision with me. It can't go on like this, and we both know it. If it's a friendship, then only a superficial one, because we are both lying to each other again.

I gave you my heart, and you broke it.

I changed my mind. I will try and if it doesn't work, I will give you this letter.

Please don't contact me. Please don't come over.

I love you, and that is why I don't ever want to see or hear from you.

I wish you a good life but please without me...

... I still haven't made a decision. And I still haven't given him this letter. I still can't stand not having him in my life. But having him in my life, is still destroying me, bit by bit.