Living life on the fast lane

4 months have gone by since I wrote my last entry... 4 months in which so many things have changed that it gets difficult to sum up everything in just a few words. I barely know how and where to start...
F. has vanished from life like the sun has, when summer turned into winter and he is just a distant memory in the back of my head... a summer love that has gone away with my tan, his smell has vanished with the scent of the tanning oil... I don't regret anything that has happened and yes, I do miss him sometimes, miss talking to him, miss feeling safe when lying in his arms, but some things are not meant to be and I have learned that I can't always surround myself with people that just make my life even more complicated than it already is.
Paris has finally become my home. I spent so much time fighting it and trying to get out of the city, that when the opportunity came to leave it behind I realized that I didn't want to leave just yet. The city has so many things to offer and I'm only half way through getting to know it.
My parents have left Europe to live in the Philippines. I guess I haven't quite grasped the magnitude of the distance that is now lying between us. The day it is going to struck me I'll feel abandoned and sad, but for now, I'm really glad I haven't noticed yet.
On the emotional side my life is pretty much upside down at the moment. My own personal Mr. Big has made his comeback and it seems like this is the finale of three years of waiting, hoping and wishing. He came back to me, apologizing and saying that leaving me was the biggest mistake he has ever made and that we are meant to be together. He came back saying that it's our time to be together and that from now on, we'll be together forever. He says we are going to grow old next to each other and that I'm the last and only girl he'll ever love... I've waited for this for sooooo long, and now that it is at the grasp of my hand I don't know if it's still what I want. I don't know if I still have trust in him after all the things that have happened throughout those past years. I don't know if I want to be the girl by his side. I don't know if I still love him.
For the past two weeks I've been sorta dating this guy... O. is a friend of a friend. We get along, have great times and laugh a lot. But we're not what you would call a couple. We are never alone, his friends are like his siamese twins, they are together aaaaall the time, and that even includes having to sleep with him and his best friend in a bed. I don't mind all that much because we do laugh about 99 per cent of the time. But I also know that I'm looking to settle down. I'm looking to find someone that will make me want to stop looking for the next best thing. I'm looking to be in love and be loved...
Once again I'm at a crossroad in my life and once again I really have no clue about what I should be doing... It's like everytime I meet a guy, a hundred more suddenly come out of nowhere and when I'm as lonely as anyone can be, they all seem to vanish at the same time.
I know I have to make a decision because if I don't, the only one that will end up getting hurt is me. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't know who I want to be with... I don't know what I need... I don't know what I deserve... I don't know what I want....

Holding my breath...

Saturday morning when I woke up I decided I would give it one more try. I would ask F. one last time if he wanted to spend time with me... if only for a short weekend. I was really expecting him to say no to be honest, because he has been pushing me away everytime I go to close for the reason that he said that he doesn't want to break my heart...
But he said yes. He said let's do it. Let's be spontaneous. Let's be together.
I know his life is complicated and I don't mind that we had to stay in a hotel because his ex can't find out about me. She would put their son between them, it would ruin his family and I don't blame him for not wanting to take this risk with a girl he barely knows.
The short time we spend together went by like in a haze... and know that I'm back at home it's like I just woke up from a beautiful, amazing dream.
Being with F. just feels so right. When I look into his eyes I wanna drown in them. When he touches me my whole body shivers and when we kiss, I melt. I left 8 hours ago and when I close my eyes I can still feel the taste of his lips and his hands on my skin... I'm terrified that with every minute that passes by the memory becomes more unclear. That I remember less and less details until I wake up and I don't remember what it feels like to have him next to me.
Summer is coming to an end, which means his son will come home soon. That boy makes your heart melt and I would love him with all my heart if anyone asked me to, but him coming home, means it will become harder and harder for me to come and visit F. It's already not an easy situation... this just makes it so much harder.
I don't know if we have a chance. I don't what he feels for me or if he is even willing to open up to someone new... And I'm holding my breath because I don't want the memory of us together to fade.
I want to stay in this dream as long as I can because every time I snap back into reality I feel like my heart is breaking. Like someone is kicking me in the stomach and I'm all out of breath.
How did this happen? How did I fall in love with someone just like that? How do I find the patience to give him the time he needs to let me into his heart? And how do I find the breath to keep fighting?

Growing up

I'm 22 and I've been living alone for 4 years now. I'm a manager in a Parisian Palace, I pay my bills, I do my taxes... I do all the things grown ups do and that most of my friends don't do just yet, as most of them are still in college... I've grown up really fast, it's like I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, boom, there it was, responsibilities, decisions, adulthood.
Sure, when you're 17 all you want is to be independent and your parents can't even count the times in which you said: "Leave me alone, I'm old enough to know what I'm doing".
I've partied a lot, had really good times with my friends and experienced enough to know where my limits are. I've made mistakes, some big, some small and I think I pretty much did all the silly things you should do in your college years.
I've been telling everyone who wants to hear or not that I want to settle down and have a real steady relationship, but every time I would meet someone and start dating them I would do something to screw it up... usually it was cheating. I was saying one thing, but I was feeling something completely different. I wanted to be free. I wanted to come home and just be on my own if I wanted to.
For the past month what I say and what I feel have finally become the same thing, and in some ways it's giving me an inner peace, that I didn't have before. F. did this to me. Meeting him, a down-to-earth person who also had to grow up way faster than he ever intended to, made me realize that I really didn't want to be alone anymore. I want to have a friend, a lover, a home...
It's ironic that the one man that made me realize that, is the one man I can't have. Since I met him, I know that I'm completely in love with him. Silly, coming from a person that doesn't believe in love at first sight. But apparently it does exist and I really wish it didn't. Meething F. was faith, I know it. Thanks to him I know now that I'm finally ready to commit to one single person, and that I won't feel like before, where I was always searching for something more.
Every moment I spent with F. was magical and when I was leaving him behind in the train to Paris I really had faith, that maybe somehow through all the difficulties that stand between us there would be a slight chance, that it may work.
Every single time someone is about to tell me something that will hurt me I can feel it in my stomach. It's my sixth sense. When F. called me that one night I was in the courtyard of my apartment building, sitting in the cold and the rain listening to every word he was saying and every second that was passing by the pain inside was just getting worse. Which is stupid, because we really only know each other for a month, and I shouldn't be feeling the way I do.
He said his life is too difficult for a relationship in the moment, that he has too many things he needs to sort out and that he respects me too much to put me through it. And all I wanted to say was that it didn't matter, that I was ready, that I was willing to commit through good or bad, no matter how rough, as long as we did it together. But I didn't say that. I didn't say anything. I just said "OK". And then I was silent. And he kept asking me to say how I felt, that he didn't want to cause a blank between us. And I couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything. Just silence. Really painful silence. And then he said the one thing that hurt me the most: "You're really pretty you know. You're my temptation."
I'm pretty....
What is she talking about is what you're thinking right now. He made her a compliment. And in another situation this would have made me happy of course, but in this scenario this sentence said it all. You're pretty. But pretty gets the guy for a night, a weekend or with a bit of luck for the summer. But pretty doesn't get the happy ending, with the white gown and the butterflies in the stomach. Pretty is not enough for a man to fall in love. I don't want to be JUST pretty. I'm tired of being just a pretty girl that you can laugh with.
I wanna be so much more than a pretty girl with a nice smile.
When you're a kid you dream of what you will be when you grow up. Being pretty was never one of my goals and yet it's the only thing I'm good at apparently...

Being true to yourself

My biggest weakness is that I don't want to burden people. When I meet a guy I don't want to talk about what I want, what I need or what I deserve. I just live the moment as it is... and keep all the thoughts to myself, to think about them when I am alone at home.
I am terrified that talking about my feelings will destroy the moment. That the man I am trying so hard to impress will get annoyed or will be disappointed, that our relationship is not as easy breezy as he thought it was going to be...
F. is amazing. Being with him makes me realize that I really want a stable, happy relationship. Whenever we are together I take in every single moment and treasure it like the most precious of memories. But when we are apart, all these questions run around my head that I should be asking him but I can't seem to find the courage to say out loud... "Are we a couple?", "Are you still seeing your ex-girlfriend... are you still in love with her?" "Can we be happy together for real?"
Everything between me and F. feels like in a dream and I am scared that if I ask one of those questions the bubble that we have built around us will crash back down to earth and burst... and we'll wake up in cold reality. Reality is we are 800 kms apart. Reality is he has a son with a woman that is trying to win him back after having broken his heart. Reality is that I can't compete against her...
I'm pretty, I'm fun and he adores me... but is that enough against a woman that had his child, that had his heart in her hands and threw it away, a woman that lives just a few minutes away from him... a woman that managed to play with his head and made a crack in his soul.
I want to believe that if people are meant to be together in the end it all works out, but somehow I have the strange feeling that I need to talk to him about serious things in order for that to even happen... Serious things... I'm scared of burdening him, since he is already troubled enough as it is. I want to be the breath of fresh air, the place he can turn to when the whole world seems like it's against him, and I feel like if I bring my feelings into play I'll take away that "easi-ness" between us...
If circumstances would be different I don't doubt for a second that F. and me would have been perfect for each other. We think the same, feel the same, act the same and want the same things, it's spooky.
He agrees with me in all the things that need to be agreed upon for a couple to work in a long-term but he is still different enough from me, that we can complement each other.
So what should I do? Take the risk of involving feelings? There are only two outcomes... Either feelings take this relationship to a new level where I don't have to worry about who I am and what I represent... Or it can end everything... and if it does, then maybe it's good, because it wasn't meant to be... But it's terrifying and I'm just not sure I'm ready to lose someone again...

Feels right and yet...

When I went on holidays with my friend A. all I thought about was lying by the pool and the beach and finally getting a tan.
Living at her brothers house meant more money for good food and shopping. After a relationship that was crazy, violent and completely out of the ordinary, I just wanted to resource and get back to a "normal" life, if such a thing exists.... How was I to know that from the moment I laid my eyes on F. her brother, I was going to fall completely head over heels for him.
F. is a good guy, with a stable life. A house, a restaurant, a great body, kind eyes and the most charming smile ever. But F. also has a son... and a wife, or ex-wife, or kinda wife. I don't really know.
For four days we laughed and spent time together just as friends and then somehow one thing led to another and we ended up kissing, fully dressed in the pool with only the stars as company... It was a magical moment, like in the movies. At first I thought, why not have some fun... it's the holidays and I deserve to be pampered a bit. And pampering he knows. Massages, hugs, lingering looks... F. makes you feel like you're the prettiest girl in the world and I really needed that.
When the holidays ended and I came back to Paris we started texting, two, three times a day... Beautiful messages, poetic ones, full of desire. And slowly but surely he became part of my life and I couldn't imagine starting a day without one of his motivational and romantic texts. When you hear charming words all day, it becomes easy to forget all the troubles and complications that float around...
I miss him so I offered to come and visit... He told me he would try to organize and asked me not to be mad if he had to keep it secret from HER. Somehow I managed to forget that she even existed and that was probably the silliest thing I could have done. I know he likes me and that I don't leave him indifferent. And deep down I know that his life is really complicated, considering he has a child with a women that left him and is now telling him she regrets it.
I feel like a mistress. I feel bad and dirty. I feel like I'm keeping her away from him and in a way from her son. I'm keeping them from being real family again.
I never wanted to be this... this other girl that you have to hide because you're not supposed to want to be with her. I've searched for love for a long time now and for the first time I think I need to get rid of F. because I really do like him very much and the longer I wait, the harder it will get for me to not fall in love with him.
The other girl. I'm the mistress. The cheating factor.
The unofficial one.

I'm not lonely

Well I'm alone now but I ain't lonely

I'm on my own now

But I ain't the only

Honestly I'm fine

I'll take this time to concentrate on me

And I got possibility to keep me company

Chanel Polish "Inattendu"

Working in the hotel business means being as discret as possible.


I love painting my nails. Blue, red, yellow, purple. You name it, I've tried it. I used to change nail polish every other day just for the heck of it.


Does times are totally over. Now I'm allowed a french manucure or light pink, natural colored nail polish. So frustrating.


I just recently found my ultimate favorite though. A Chanel nail polish called "Inattendu" 503.


Usually polishes that are light colored don't properly cover your nail and are see-through. This polish is discret but yet covers your nail properly. I loooove it!!!

Reminiscing

Right about 365 days ago is the first time me and T. met.

I was at my friend's house when he called her and asked her to join him at a party at the casino. She asked if I wanted to tag along and I really wasn't up for it. I was tired, wearing my comfy jogging pants and was definitely not in the mood to be a third wheel. But as it is the case most of the time, I let her drag me along.

T. drove an old silver BMW, was wearing a black suit and had brown eyes in which you could sink into. My bad mood did not exactly help break the ice. It took a few drinks and a couple of hours before I actually let myself realize that there was an attraction between us and that I actually enjoyed his company.

T. and I made perfect sense and we went from being complete strangers to being a couple in a blink of an eye and it just was so natural. It made sense to everyone around us and I was so happy that this warm, cozy feeling was coming over me. We made perfect sense, until we started not making sense at all anymore.

We probably had the best three months I've ever had with someone. I'm not saying we did not fight and that we were agreeing all the time, but somehow we were just happy with each other's company. It was just so obvious to me that we were working out really well.

Every day that passed by meant that we were getting closer and closer to the day that I would be moving a gazillion miles away. I know we should have talked about it more. I know we should have said all the things that people say when they know that they will be leaving each other, but we didn't. Instead we treasured every moment we had and pretended like I wasn't leaving.

T. helped me move. We drove to Munich to pick up my stuff at my parents house, then drove to visit his brother and when we arrived in Paris this fear that I was losing him started creeping up in me, and I was terrified about saying. So terrified that our goodbye wasn't really a goodbye at all.

I visited him a couple of times after that. I guess you can say we tried. But after every visit I was growing lonelier and he was moving further away from me. I was so scared of losing him that I stopped breathing and I stopped fighting. And as soon as that happened I lost the fight.

When I close my eyes and think of T. I have a single memory. The two of us on the boat. The sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. His head lying on my stomach while he is sleeping and my hand going through his hair. When I close my eyes it is almost like I am there again.

I haven't talked to T. in months. Until a few days he messaged me. Asked me when I was coming to visit again. Called me honey.

I'm scared to believe that maybe he misses me. I'm scared to go see him just to realize all he wants is for us to be friends, or lovers or something less than what I want. Because I miss him. I still do. And I still think we make sense, long after we stopped making any.

Who do you wanna be with when you grow up?

Coming back to my hometown Munich also means coming home to my first real boyfriend M. There has never been a time where coming back didn't mean calling this number that my fingers never forgot how to dial. Five years after that heartbreak that I am not sure I ever completely healed from, I still don't even need to think twice before remembering what his number is. Funny right... how some numbers stay in your head forever. Keeping up space you thought you had filled with new memories.

M has been a very constant thing in my life, and there has not been many occasions in which I could say that I had something constant remind me of where I came from and who I used to be.

Being with M meant having the happiest days ever, when we were spending days together, just laughing, fooling around and seeing the hours fly by like they were minutes.

Being with M also meant sitting in my room trying not to scream out loud when the tears rolling down my eyes just wouldn't stop and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of me.

For every great day we were together, there was a bad day. A day where it seemed like the color got sucked out of the world.

Not being with M had never been an option to me. No matter how hurt I was or how painful being him with him was, I never gave up... until I didn't have a choice anymore. When I left for Switzerland I left my family, my friends and most importantly, I left M behind. It was the only thing I ever did out of love for myself. We were destroying each other and no matter how much we loved each other it somehow never seemed to work.

Five years have gone by. And every now and then I remember US. I remember how I'd always look up into his eyes and see him smile down at me and how in that moment in didn't matter what happened yesterday or what would happen tomorrow because I was happy. Really happy. I remember how I would linger his smell and how we would spend days in bed, watching TV, playing video games and just loving each others company.

I also remember being cheated on and broken up with. I remember never being told "I Love You". I remember every single tear and I remember begging him not to go and always losing the fight.

Being with M was never easy but after five years of thinking back and seeing him every once in a while for a long day of coffees and catching up I wonder sometimes if the only thing that was keeping us from being really happy together was that we were just too young, too immature.

Just because you're meant to be together, doesn't mean you're meant to be together right NOW.

Something was different this time we saw each other. You can almost touch the attraction between us in the air. And basically spent 48 hours together, just like old times. We spent hours lying in bed, me in his arms, just talking or watching the same TV Shows we used to five years ago. We ate the same food and drank the same drinks we did when we were a couple and that our friends used to make fun because it was how we met, over a bottle of a Ice Tea.

I can't say I don't miss him. I can't say that when my head rests on his shoulder and that I breathe in his smell and close my eyes, I don't picture us together again. I can't say I haven't thought of trying just one more time.

But distance is separating us and the funny thing is, that I don't actually feel like the distance would be a real obstacle. The real problem is that we have never been able to be honest with our feelings to each other. The one thing that always stood between us was that we couldn't talk to each other. At least not about emotions.

I miss him. But I'm scared that if I tell him I might break something. I'm scared because I'm not sure if being with him again is really what I want. I'm scared because I don't know if I have really forgiven him for everything that has happened. I'm scared because I really loved him and sometimes I wonder if I still do and if that could be the reason my relationships keep on failing.

Girlfriends

Moving to a new city and starting a new job is never easy. No matter where in the world you go, the first thought you have is: What are the people going to think of me? Are they gonna like me? Am I gonna find a like-minded friend?

Coming to Paris to work at the Ritz was a bit easier for me than it could have been for other people. Having worked there before I was sure to be at least surrounded by a few familiar faces and not being a complete stranger is always helpful.

Sure enough, on my first day at the job, many people came to greet me and tell me how happy they were I was back. It definitely did not feel like two years had already gone by.

Not being a stranger at work is great. But I still came home to an empty appartment with no friends to call in order to meet up for a coffee or a shopping spree.

When my GM told me, I was to work in the housekeeping department to complete my rooms division training I was mortified. Housekeeping is probably the worst department in a hotel. Its the most tiring one and its basically a totally feminine environment.

I used to say about me that I had an easier time being friends with guys and that girls would never accept me within their group. But I came to realize that it may be easier for me to get into a conversation with boys but that my actual friends always end up being girls.

Everywhere I have been I've always ended up surrounding myself with a small but magical and amazing group of girls and this time has been no different.

Meeting A and B has made us the crazy ABC-trio (no pun intended, not my fault our initials end up this way). We go have dinners, watch movies, have sleep overs and go party. But this time has been a little different because these girls have been more than just the casual friend you meet and lose along the way. They've been real and genuine Friends, with a big F.

They've helped me through some very rough times and God only knows there has been quite a few in the past months and I've always had an open ear for their worries and pains.

We've been supporting each other for almost a year now and I can't believe time as gone by this fast.

These girls have become my family away from home, as they invite me to their house for christmas Eve when my own parents and sister are miles and miles away. I'm glad I've found my girls again, especially cause these owns are very special.

Ich bin ein Berliner

So I just came back from a three days two nights trip to Berlin. There so much sightseeing to do that I came back with a fractured toe from all the walking, so if ever you end up going to Berlin, make sure to bring really good shoes!

Berlin has a lot to offer. Museum island, old Stasi jails, the wall, the parliament and many many other tourist stops you'll be sure to find in any guides.

Friday night was well spent in "Sage Restaurant", in a very trendy restaurant that serves great food in a lounge atmosphere. You need to try one of their cocktails, the Saje mojito and eat an original and huge Wiener Schnitzel.

Everyone wants to eat a Currywurst when in Berlin, but whoever wants to eat one in a classy environment should have it at "the Adlon" , one of the best hotels in Berlin. As beautiful as the Adlon is, the room rates are way out of my budget.

The design hotel "Cosmo Hotel Berlin Mitte" where I stayed was a real good choice. If ever you end up making a room booking make sure to ask for a room on the 7th or 8th floor overlooking the backside of the hotel (away from the main street). From your balcony you'll have an amazing view of the city.

Saturday night was spent in a quieter place, but still serving very good food in a trendy atmosphere called the "Bond Bar". Placed in Charlottenburg it is surrounded by a lot of trendy clubs and bars where you can enjoy a drink after dinner.

Berlin has a great shopping district near the Alexanderplatz, along the Münzstrasse and neue Schönhauser Strasse. You can find all sorts of shops you find in every other city as well, including a huge "Adidas" store where you can customize your own sneakers. There also is really nice "Converse" store that has a huge selection.

I personally enjoyed exploring the little alleys here and there where you can find local designers exposing in backstreet courtyards. There are also a lot of designers exposing more public such as "Drykorn, clothes for beautiful people" that actually has a boutique for men, one for women and one for suits.

Breakfast can be taken in this area as well, to get some strength before doing all the shopping. I had some really good baked eggs with parma ham and a big glass of bio apple juice at the "Oliv Bar", which is a quaint little place that gives you a living room vibe. If you are up for meeting local people, sit on the big square table that is smack in the middle of that small restaurant and start a conversation with the people sitting next to you. Everyone is so nice, it won't be too hard.

Berlin was an amazing city to visit and I really enjoyed seeing it. Can't wait to go there again and discover some new spots such as the "Solar Bar", which had been recommended to me since it gives you an amazing view of the city but was unfortunately fully booked during my stay. Make sure to call in advance to make a dinner reservation. They are only open in the evening so call them after 6 p.m.

Building a home away from home

It's every girls dream to live in Paris. The city of love: synonym of fashion, architechtural wonders, glamour and passion. I've had a dream about living in Paris a long time ago. And one day my dream became reality, only for me to realize I didn't want it anymore...

From the very beginning on, I've been yearning to leave Paris. Go somewhere that feels more like home. It was a weird feeling, because it wasn't the first time I had left the safety of family surroundings to move into a new city. And to be honest, this move was actually the easiest one. I have a nice place, in a nice area, a good job with a not too shabby salary. The situation had been worse on plenty of occasions.

When I was 18 and moved away it was all exciting and new. I rarely felt homesick. In college I was surrounded by my friends and two months holidays usually helped me tank up energy for another semester far away from home. But school is not the real life. When you're in school there is still some room to just quit, go home, lick your wounds and start again. Work on the other hand is not that simple. You can't just quit, because you're upset or homesick. You can't just take holidays whenever you want. You need to plan ahead. Pay your bills. Live the real life as they like to call it.

Living in Paris has not been the experience I've dreamed of. It surely has been glamourous but the love and the beauty of the city have gotten lost along the way at some point.

My sister blogged about Paris and how we need to build a relationship with the city we live in, and she made me realize something. I've been making up excuses to explain my unhappiness about living in one of the most gorgeous cities in the world, I kept on telling anyone that would listen to the whining that: "Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with my family and friends in the Philippines". Hearing my sister speak about Paris in a way, that I once used to think of it like, I've finally figured out what's wrong. I left my heart far, far away, somewhere between my two homes Munich and Manila, locked in a safe, with a big, thick vault door guarding it, fearing I would break it, if I brought it with me to Paris.

Moving to Paris meant moving away from everything I've ever known. It meant suddenly being at the very least one flight away. It meant that if I was going to get hurt, no one would be there to catch me if I fell. At least that's what I thought...

I left my heart in what used to be my home instead of bringing it here to build a new one. So it won't be easy and I can't promise anything, but I'll try bringing my heart back to Paris and see the city for what it really is. My new home.

It's all about fixing what's broken...

Somewhere along the way my heart broke. Not just a crack, a small scar you can look at to remember something that once happened in life, nothing like that... A real scar. A tear. A break. I'm not sure if I can even recall when it happened. Or maybe my head is keeping me from remembering, because it's trying to protect me.

I've never been someone to walk around and talk about my feelings to other people. When I hurt, I hurt by myself. I sit in front of the mirror and watch the tears roll down my face and just wonder, how did it get this far?

I was once told not to choose partners for the wrong reasons. "Do not let sentimentality influence your decisions, especially those involving the choice of a partner. You need to be needed, but you must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. It is your tendency to take responsibility, you often fill the void left by others..." I haven't listened to this advice. I still don't. The more dramatic, painful and filled with tears my relationship were, the more I fought for them to work. I always took responsibility for others people pain even though their heart wasn't for me to fix.

I need to stop trying to fix other people, because I need to fix myself. I can't continue living my life half-heartedly, just because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I try to fix the pain in other people's lives, but I didn't cause it, and I need to understand that because of that it is not for me fix.

I'm twenty-two and I'm already tired. That's not what I had in mind when I dreamt about the future.

It's time for be to focus on myself. And if people want to call me selfish, then they call me selfish. But I've given too much for too long, to think that being selfish for once is something bad. Being selfish is the best thing I can do for myself at the moment. It's the only way I know to heal myself. And God knows I really need to.

Refocusing

Somehow the writing muse has left me... I've realised that I usually am inspired when I am either sad or full of joy, it sometimes makes me think I may be somewhat of a manic-depressive person. So what does it mean that I don't write?

At my sisters wedding I met one of her close friends: Chris. At first I didn't pay much attention to her and then, in the blink of eye, a friendship began. Somehow Chris saw something in me, that I thought I had hidden so well that no one could see it. The night before she left she told me: "You are a pretty girl. But you look jaded and you are too young to let your heart grow cold. There too many good things in life to feel this way." That night I came home and cried.

I cried for all the pain I've been feeling and haven't been able to share... There are so many things I feel and sometimes it feels like I can't share them with anyone. Some things I would need to get out are embarassing, some are heartbreaking and some I am ashamed of.

I'm changing my life around. I decided I need to stop accepting that this is just it. That I can't do anything about it. Any bad thing in my life I can change. I don't need to accept unhappiness. I can change the way my life is... I can take take into my own hands. And this is what I'm doing. One year. That is the goal I've set myself. In one year I'll be happy... or at least happier. In one year I'll have removed everything that's depressing in my life and started living.

I'm tired of holding my breath and waiting for life to pass by. It's time to live. Finally.

What happened... Where did I go wrong?

So check it out. I live in the city of love and lights, PARIS. I have amazing friends and a great family. I love my job and don't mind all the extra hours I have to put in. I live in a cozy, small condo, but I can at least call it my own and I can shop until I drop, without having to worry, that I won't have any food for the rest of the month.

All this should make me happy right. I don't only have material possesions, I also have all the great stuff that compliments it. And yet...

I am so unhappy. And the fact that I am unhappy, makes me frustrated.

If you would have asked me a couple of years ago what I wanted in life, I would have told you: "I wanna live in famous cities, go to glamorous parties, meet celebrities and wear designer clothes..." I have all that now, and funny enough I am unhappier than ever.

Yes I know, back then my desires were material and completely superficial... I should not have had to sacrifice all the good things I had in life to realize that glamour, money and fake smiles can't buy you happiness.

If I could, I would take it all back.

I would go the friends I've lost and tell them how sorry I am. So sorry that I didn't realize what they meant to me and what they brought to my life. I would tell them, that I was a bitch, for thinking my life would be just as good without them in it.

I would go to the boyfriends I've lost and tell them how sorry I am. So sorry that I've treated them like dirt. I would tell them that I was a bitch for acting like feelings weren't getting hurt and for thinking that they would never leave, cause I was too great to be put aside and stamped like just another EX.

You may think that I can do all that, and trust me, I have tried. Saying sorry is the easy part. Being forgiven, that's the hard part, because you can't make people forgive you, you just have to hope and wish that they remember who you were at some point and give you another chance.

Most of the people I've hurt never knew the real me. They may have seen glimpses of her that gave them hope that somewhere behind all that make-up and the attitude was a genuine and caring girl. Those glimpses aren't enough for them to give me a second chance. There not enough. And they shouldn't have to be.

I have everything I ever dreamed of and I am unhappy. So tell me, what's missing? Where did I go wrong? If only someone could point out to me where I took the wrong turn, I promise you, I would go back and fix it. I would....

If only I knew where to go.

Maid of Honor Speech

How beautiful you are in that gorgeous white gown. How happy you looked walking down the aisle. As I watch you drink champagne and eat your wedding cake, I see the joy in your eyes. And because I live so far away, and can't always be there in the hard times I wish I could bottle the love between you and Doodoo, wrap it up and give it to you as a wedding gift.

Then you could take it out on a rainy day and be right back here, in this place, eating and laughing and dancing with everyone. But I don’t think you’ll need such a bottle. The reminders of this special day will be all around you : in the photo album or in the picture frame you’ll have in your new house but especially in the shining band you wear on your finger every day. Use these reminders as a source of comfort and strength during the hard times. And let them bring a brighter smile to your faces in times of happiness.

To my big sister : You were always there to lead the way for me. I wish I could say you showed me around on my first day of school but you were more the « Oh my god, my sister is here… »-type. You also never helped me with my homework, since I was always smart enough to figure it out myself.

You never taught me how to put on makeup or paint my nails, because I was always girlier than you and you never covered for me when I came in late from a date because you always felt you had to protect me from bad boys since you had to counsel me through my first heartbreak.

Even when you moved out to go to college, you were still looking out for me, traveling many miles to be home for my birthday. And today you are still leading the way ; shining a light on the path of love and marriage, showing me how its done and, sometimes, what not to do. When I look at you and Doodoo I somehow feel safer. I don’t know if I can explain that, but you give me hope. And I’m afraid to say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of you and that would be a shame. Because, we can all use a little hope sometimes. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that.

How wonderful it is to see that you found the perfect man for you. I was proud to stand by your side and when you said « I do ». You took a big step towards your future today, and, in turn, gave me the gift of a new brother. The fun and sometimes hard times during your engagement and the happiness of this day bring us even closer together. I know that if either one of us is in pain, we will always be there to comfort each other.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts.

As you begin this new chapter in your life, I will still look to you for guidance because you helped me get this far. How blessed I am to have a big sister like you!

I love you.