Reminiscing

Right about 365 days ago is the first time me and T. met.

I was at my friend's house when he called her and asked her to join him at a party at the casino. She asked if I wanted to tag along and I really wasn't up for it. I was tired, wearing my comfy jogging pants and was definitely not in the mood to be a third wheel. But as it is the case most of the time, I let her drag me along.

T. drove an old silver BMW, was wearing a black suit and had brown eyes in which you could sink into. My bad mood did not exactly help break the ice. It took a few drinks and a couple of hours before I actually let myself realize that there was an attraction between us and that I actually enjoyed his company.

T. and I made perfect sense and we went from being complete strangers to being a couple in a blink of an eye and it just was so natural. It made sense to everyone around us and I was so happy that this warm, cozy feeling was coming over me. We made perfect sense, until we started not making sense at all anymore.

We probably had the best three months I've ever had with someone. I'm not saying we did not fight and that we were agreeing all the time, but somehow we were just happy with each other's company. It was just so obvious to me that we were working out really well.

Every day that passed by meant that we were getting closer and closer to the day that I would be moving a gazillion miles away. I know we should have talked about it more. I know we should have said all the things that people say when they know that they will be leaving each other, but we didn't. Instead we treasured every moment we had and pretended like I wasn't leaving.

T. helped me move. We drove to Munich to pick up my stuff at my parents house, then drove to visit his brother and when we arrived in Paris this fear that I was losing him started creeping up in me, and I was terrified about saying. So terrified that our goodbye wasn't really a goodbye at all.

I visited him a couple of times after that. I guess you can say we tried. But after every visit I was growing lonelier and he was moving further away from me. I was so scared of losing him that I stopped breathing and I stopped fighting. And as soon as that happened I lost the fight.

When I close my eyes and think of T. I have a single memory. The two of us on the boat. The sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. His head lying on my stomach while he is sleeping and my hand going through his hair. When I close my eyes it is almost like I am there again.

I haven't talked to T. in months. Until a few days he messaged me. Asked me when I was coming to visit again. Called me honey.

I'm scared to believe that maybe he misses me. I'm scared to go see him just to realize all he wants is for us to be friends, or lovers or something less than what I want. Because I miss him. I still do. And I still think we make sense, long after we stopped making any.