4 months have gone by since I wrote my last entry... 4 months in which so many things have changed that it gets difficult to sum up everything in just a few words. I barely know how and where to start...
F. has vanished from life like the sun has, when summer turned into winter and he is just a distant memory in the back of my head... a summer love that has gone away with my tan, his smell has vanished with the scent of the tanning oil... I don't regret anything that has happened and yes, I do miss him sometimes, miss talking to him, miss feeling safe when lying in his arms, but some things are not meant to be and I have learned that I can't always surround myself with people that just make my life even more complicated than it already is.
Paris has finally become my home. I spent so much time fighting it and trying to get out of the city, that when the opportunity came to leave it behind I realized that I didn't want to leave just yet. The city has so many things to offer and I'm only half way through getting to know it.
My parents have left Europe to live in the Philippines. I guess I haven't quite grasped the magnitude of the distance that is now lying between us. The day it is going to struck me I'll feel abandoned and sad, but for now, I'm really glad I haven't noticed yet.
On the emotional side my life is pretty much upside down at the moment. My own personal Mr. Big has made his comeback and it seems like this is the finale of three years of waiting, hoping and wishing. He came back to me, apologizing and saying that leaving me was the biggest mistake he has ever made and that we are meant to be together. He came back saying that it's our time to be together and that from now on, we'll be together forever. He says we are going to grow old next to each other and that I'm the last and only girl he'll ever love... I've waited for this for sooooo long, and now that it is at the grasp of my hand I don't know if it's still what I want. I don't know if I still have trust in him after all the things that have happened throughout those past years. I don't know if I want to be the girl by his side. I don't know if I still love him.
For the past two weeks I've been sorta dating this guy... O. is a friend of a friend. We get along, have great times and laugh a lot. But we're not what you would call a couple. We are never alone, his friends are like his siamese twins, they are together aaaaall the time, and that even includes having to sleep with him and his best friend in a bed. I don't mind all that much because we do laugh about 99 per cent of the time. But I also know that I'm looking to settle down. I'm looking to find someone that will make me want to stop looking for the next best thing. I'm looking to be in love and be loved...
Once again I'm at a crossroad in my life and once again I really have no clue about what I should be doing... It's like everytime I meet a guy, a hundred more suddenly come out of nowhere and when I'm as lonely as anyone can be, they all seem to vanish at the same time.
I know I have to make a decision because if I don't, the only one that will end up getting hurt is me. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't know who I want to be with... I don't know what I need... I don't know what I deserve... I don't know what I want....
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