Somewhere along the way my heart broke. Not just a crack, a small scar you can look at to remember something that once happened in life, nothing like that... A real scar. A tear. A break. I'm not sure if I can even recall when it happened. Or maybe my head is keeping me from remembering, because it's trying to protect me.
I've never been someone to walk around and talk about my feelings to other people. When I hurt, I hurt by myself. I sit in front of the mirror and watch the tears roll down my face and just wonder, how did it get this far?
I was once told not to choose partners for the wrong reasons. "Do not let sentimentality influence your decisions, especially those involving the choice of a partner. You need to be needed, but you must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. It is your tendency to take responsibility, you often fill the void left by others..." I haven't listened to this advice. I still don't. The more dramatic, painful and filled with tears my relationship were, the more I fought for them to work. I always took responsibility for others people pain even though their heart wasn't for me to fix.
I need to stop trying to fix other people, because I need to fix myself. I can't continue living my life half-heartedly, just because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I try to fix the pain in other people's lives, but I didn't cause it, and I need to understand that because of that it is not for me fix.
I'm twenty-two and I'm already tired. That's not what I had in mind when I dreamt about the future.
It's time for be to focus on myself. And if people want to call me selfish, then they call me selfish. But I've given too much for too long, to think that being selfish for once is something bad. Being selfish is the best thing I can do for myself at the moment. It's the only way I know to heal myself. And God knows I really need to.
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