Coming back to my hometown Munich also means coming home to my first real boyfriend M. There has never been a time where coming back didn't mean calling this number that my fingers never forgot how to dial. Five years after that heartbreak that I am not sure I ever completely healed from, I still don't even need to think twice before remembering what his number is. Funny right... how some numbers stay in your head forever. Keeping up space you thought you had filled with new memories.
M has been a very constant thing in my life, and there has not been many occasions in which I could say that I had something constant remind me of where I came from and who I used to be.
Being with M meant having the happiest days ever, when we were spending days together, just laughing, fooling around and seeing the hours fly by like they were minutes.
Being with M also meant sitting in my room trying not to scream out loud when the tears rolling down my eyes just wouldn't stop and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of me.
For every great day we were together, there was a bad day. A day where it seemed like the color got sucked out of the world.
Not being with M had never been an option to me. No matter how hurt I was or how painful being him with him was, I never gave up... until I didn't have a choice anymore. When I left for Switzerland I left my family, my friends and most importantly, I left M behind. It was the only thing I ever did out of love for myself. We were destroying each other and no matter how much we loved each other it somehow never seemed to work.
Five years have gone by. And every now and then I remember US. I remember how I'd always look up into his eyes and see him smile down at me and how in that moment in didn't matter what happened yesterday or what would happen tomorrow because I was happy. Really happy. I remember how I would linger his smell and how we would spend days in bed, watching TV, playing video games and just loving each others company.
I also remember being cheated on and broken up with. I remember never being told "I Love You". I remember every single tear and I remember begging him not to go and always losing the fight.
Being with M was never easy but after five years of thinking back and seeing him every once in a while for a long day of coffees and catching up I wonder sometimes if the only thing that was keeping us from being really happy together was that we were just too young, too immature.
Just because you're meant to be together, doesn't mean you're meant to be together right NOW.
Something was different this time we saw each other. You can almost touch the attraction between us in the air. And basically spent 48 hours together, just like old times. We spent hours lying in bed, me in his arms, just talking or watching the same TV Shows we used to five years ago. We ate the same food and drank the same drinks we did when we were a couple and that our friends used to make fun because it was how we met, over a bottle of a Ice Tea.
I can't say I don't miss him. I can't say that when my head rests on his shoulder and that I breathe in his smell and close my eyes, I don't picture us together again. I can't say I haven't thought of trying just one more time.
But distance is separating us and the funny thing is, that I don't actually feel like the distance would be a real obstacle. The real problem is that we have never been able to be honest with our feelings to each other. The one thing that always stood between us was that we couldn't talk to each other. At least not about emotions.
I miss him. But I'm scared that if I tell him I might break something. I'm scared because I'm not sure if being with him again is really what I want. I'm scared because I don't know if I have really forgiven him for everything that has happened. I'm scared because I really loved him and sometimes I wonder if I still do and if that could be the reason my relationships keep on failing.
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