Happiness

This is it. I am sick of my emo-mood! Enough is enough. I have been depressed and sentimental for the last year. That all belongs to 2008 now. This year everything will be different. I will be the strong independent woman I promised myself to be. No more tears, no more hurt, no more over analyzing.

If a guy wants to be with me, he will be with me. He will find a way. I have to stop making excuses, and I definitely have to stop trying to find the blame with me. I mean I go on dates and everything goes well... until he tells me he has a girlfriend. Obviously I am not to blame for that. How was I supposed to know? I still really don't understand why a guy that is in a steady relationship goes on dates with single girls, but hey, at least I learned something new. First question: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Right before I ask what's your name and can I have your number! That is for sure.

Now I have a long-distance flirt with a guy that I dated for two weeks when I was back in the Philippines and rumor has it he has a long-distance relationship with another girl. But how do you ask someone you are not dating if the rumors are true? Well, you don't.

Improved me doesn't care. We don't live in the same country, we are not a couple and we probably won't be in the near future, so why should I risk our "friendship"? The way it is now I get some nice messages every few days and it makes me feel good.

That is the 2009 me. Selfish! It is just going to be me. I am going to do whatever makes me happy and whatever doesn't: GOODBYE!!!!

I always watch out for everyone else, make sure they are happy and that my girlfriends don't date the wrong guys and if they do fall for the bad type I tell them, loud and clear. 

I still haven't figured out why I can always analyze everyone elses relationship. Tell them what to do and how to do it. I make them feel better when they are sad and depressed and I am happy for them when they are excited about something great (or boring) that has happened to them.

But with me... I date the wrong guys, I don't listen to anyones advice and I always get hurt and never figure out how to fix myself.

Time for a change. Time to make the right choice. Time to be HAPPY

Old letter

Today I found an old letter that I wrote when me and my boyfriend broke up. I read it and I started remembering all the feelings I had when we were together, when we broke up and when we started to try being friends...  And I was just wondering if I was really over him after two years... And if maybe it was time to give him this letter......

And again I am sitting here; I still don't know what I should write you. I have so much to say, but after having destroyed our relationship, I don't want to destroy our friendship; because right now, I still haven't decided if I want it. I feel guilty... but at the same time I feel betrayed. After we broke up we spoke to each other with more honesty than we ever had in the past and at the same time you made me understand, that it will never be like this again. That is what scares me the most. You are acting as if everything is normal, or at least you are trying to make it seem like that. But exactly THAT is, what makes me so sad. Don't you care enough for me, to show me your true feelings? Why aren't you talking to me??? Oh, we talk, are you going to say. Yes, you are right, you talk, but you are not saying anything. You don't say anything to me anymore. Couldn't the end of everything have come sooner??? Then I wouldn't have so many memories and so much stuff that I connect to you. Everywhere I look, everything I hear and everything I see, I connect it to you. When you are not here, I need you! I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you the way you are now. Why doesn't it work? What happened, that you can't talk to me about? Not only love needs honesty, friendship does to. I expect from my friends honesty. Friendship means, telling each other things, that you may not want to hear. And if our "Friendship" is not strong enough, if YOU are not strong enough, then it's not worth it. Maybe my expectations are too high... You know that I am not like this with everyone. Not all my friends need to tell me everything. NO! But when they do tell me something, if it's private or just their opinion, then I still expect from THEM to be honest. I've had enough experience with lying and backstabing friends and I don't want to relive that EVER again. I don't want this to ever happen to me, especially not with you.

Until now we could always communicate without words. I hate you for that evening where you had to become the ultimate center of my life. I can't think of anything else. I can't focus on anything and if my best friend wouldn't be there to support me, I would be dead already. At least emotionally. Is this just a mean game you are playing? Are you going to stand in front of my door one day and say: "Just kidding"? I hope so, because it is easier to get through the day like that. On the other hand, I don't want to want you anymore! It would be much easier if I could just switch off love. It would help everyone. But it is not that easy. Do I want to spend my life with someone else but you? No. I think about my future, but it doesn't work alone. Only with you can there be a real future. Because you are always there, in every thought I have. You probably don't have an idea about how you are cutting me open by pretending nothing ever happened. Maybe you think, you are doing me a favor, but you are killing me. Because nothing is as bad as pretending everything is okay. Because nothing is okay.

I try being mad at you, and sometimes it even works. But only for a few minutes. Then I think about us and I feel like crying. Just like that. I can't help it. I try distracting me, but the thought of you fills up my whole life. Every minute I am scared I might think of you again. That really hurts me. I always thought I was insensitive to heartbreak. Congratulations! You proved me wrong. I always thought everything would stay the same forever. But my whole world is turned upside down now and nothing, NOTHING is the way it used to me. "Why" is really a word that should have never been invented. Because this little three-letter word is suddenly huge. Everywhere I go, everything I do, every thought goes back to you. Don't they say "All roads lead to Rome"? You are my Rome, my thoughts all lead to you, and I am completely overwhelmed.

You were just at my house, and the whole time I had to keep my tears back. It is hard to see you. And it's also hard, not to see you. I won't cry in front of you because... I don't know why, but I don't want you to see how bad I feel. Do you ever think about what you have done? Are you aware what a little sentence has done to me? Do you sit at home and cry, or do you continue living your life, as if nothing happened? It is so hard. So fucking hard to know that you are not there anymore. My heart was beating like crazy the whole day, because I was so nervous. There are days where I don't want to see you ever again, because I know, that that would be for the best for me, that I would get over you much faster. But I can't imagine my life without you. I want to text you, talk to you on the phone, I want to see you, I want to share my life with you. That is why I take the pain when you tell me you are going to pass by to see me. I want to see you, whatever it takes. But when you get here, and I look at you, and I hear everything you are telling me, I want you to leave. I don't want to see you anymore. But I don't find the strength to tell you. Because then it will just get harder. And I can't take any more pain. It's so hard to not just break down and cry. I am trying to keep it all together, but if you completely disappear from my life, then there is nothing left worth waking up for in the morning even though it is really hard. Hope dies last.

I wanted to delete your phone number so that I don't have to call you anymore. But I couldn't. If I read your name, just when I read your name, my heart starts beating faster and my eyes are teary. That is what you made of me. I used to be really good in covering up my bad mood. No one would ever guess how I was feeling. But what is the use for it now??? The world can know how much you hurt me. They can all know how pathetic I am when I sit at my kitchen table and cry a million tears. With a single sentence you managed to do that to me.

I am sick of crying. You are not worth all those tears. I just want you to know what you have made of me. I can't sleep, I can't eat.

I deleted your number today. Now I want it back. I want to write you. I want to hear your voice. Yesterday it has been two weeks; two weeks, that doesn't sound long. But if you only have one thought, two weeks seem like forever. So much has changed. And I am still sitting at the kitchen table. And I am still writing. I am writing everything, everything that goes through my head, and everything is you! Why doesn't it get easier to handle?

On Monday I wrote in my calendar: "Today is the day you take your life back into your own hands". Yes, it worked on Monday. On Tuesday someone asked me about you, and I couldn't answer, and my day was ruined. 

It's weekend again. Much has changed in the last two days. Wednesday was the first day without tears. You told me, that there were no more feelings. You searched and searched, but you just didn't love me anymore. I don't know. I can't believe you. Or maybe I just don't want to. Because that would mean, to accept, that it is over. Can you throw away such a long time just like this? Apparently yes. Who wants friendship when they can have love??? But who wants friendship when the love is gone???

"I love you, and because of that I don't want you in my life anymore."

That should have been the last sentence of this letter, but I don't have the courage yet, because... I can't and I don't want to be without you. Maybe that is also too much for you and you don't want to talk to me anymore, after you read this letter. Don't have pity for me.

I will never not-care for you, and that is why I hate you! How can a single person destroy my life like this? In such a short time?! I always thought I was Master of Commander, but I lost all control now, it's too much, I am confused, sad, angry, relieved, hopeless, a desaster, not sociable, BROKEN! And disappointed with myself.

At first I wasn't sure if I could be friends with you. I still don't know. My opinion changes all the time, like the weather. At one moment I am sure that it can't be that bad. And five minutes later I am going totally crazy. This is why you can't expect too much from me. Please leave the decision with me. It can't go on like this, and we both know it. If it's a friendship, then only a superficial one, because we are both lying to each other again.

I gave you my heart, and you broke it.

I changed my mind. I will try and if it doesn't work, I will give you this letter.

Please don't contact me. Please don't come over.

I love you, and that is why I don't ever want to see or hear from you.

I wish you a good life but please without me...

... I still haven't made a decision. And I still haven't given him this letter. I still can't stand not having him in my life. But having him in my life, is still destroying me, bit by bit.

I used to be alone... now I am lonely

Everyone around me is pairing up. It's like a disease that is spreading around me and it's driving me mad. I actually think that it is contagious. It all started with one of my close friends dating a guy that turned into her steady boyfriend and suddenly all the people I know are in a relationship. My ex-boyfriends find new girlfriends, my "always single"-girlfriends find their perfect match, my cousins start getting married, the "life of the party"-boys fall in love... It's maddening. Especially because I am dying to find my perfect match. 

To make matters worse, my sister gave me all four "Twilight" books... I read three of them in four days. Timing could not have been worse for me. I am miserable because I am alone and I am reading books about love. Real love. Not the "I like you, you like me, let's see if it works out"-kinda love but the real "we are soulmates"-type. I am sucker for quotes... and when the books goes into the lovey-dovey kinda mood and says things like "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger" I just die right there and start crying.

I am not someone to show my feelings out to anyone. I never cry because of a broken heart in public. When I am hurt in such a way that I can't breathe I am usually alone. I sit on the floor and let the wave hit me. And I just wait, I just wait for a better day. 

It's not fair that I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. Of course, there are guys around me... but they are not the ones I can imagine myself building a future with. Usually when I meet someone that makes me comfortable in a way that only a potential boyfriend can, they turn out to have girlfriends. I am lonely, so deeply lonely I can't even describe it. 

I try to be happy for my friends. I really do. But when I see their faces light up when they see their special someone or when I hear them talk to each other I can't help but feel jealous and envy them. I want someone to come home too as well. I can't think of anything better right now but to go into bed, snuggle right next to the person that has my heart and stuff my nose into his chest just to take in that familiar scent that makes my heartbeat accelerate... 

When I go out I have fun. I flirt and laugh and pose for the cameras. And then I come home, take off the fancy outfit and the make-up from my face... and when I look in the mirror I see me. And I see in my eyes what only my best friend can see: That I am broken. I am damaged and I still haven't found a way to fix myself. I'm in pain and I'm lonely. I just need someone to be there for me, to love me and to be my sun. Because right now I'm frozen into this moment and the longer I am, the less I seem to be able to move... I don't want to be numb, I want to be saved. I don't care that I am not the strong, independent woman I promised myself to be. Right now I am a helpless, broken girl that wants a strong man to help her get back on her feet. Back into the world and out of the dark...

Did I return or leave home?

I left Manila. It's been more then 24 hours since I left the country I call home: the Philippines. My friends, my family... and my person. All that is left behind and I am back in Munich. Alone.

Being alone is never a problem in Manila... I can spend hours in the condo by myself feeling perfectly fine. But when I am here, I feel lonely very fast.

This is the house where I grew up. This is the first place I should think of, when I am feeling lost and I want to go to a place that feels like a safe harbor. But it's not.

Whenever I leave Manila, I feel like I have to be so much stronger, because there is no one here to catch me if I fall. Funny enough, I am never "depressed" in Manila even though it would be fine, because my best friends are there to support me, to keep me from hitting to hard on the hard-floor of reality. I only get sad and frustated in the worst moments. The moments where I am alone at home, it's pitch-dark night in Manila, so I can't even call around the globe to hear that voice that can save me right now, that's usually when the pain hits me. The pain of not having found someone to love yet, or the pain of having found someone, but not being loved back. 

I never knew another home then the one I am in now... but I realized that it's not the physical things that matter. It's not the things I see, or the bed I sleep in, it's the people who surround me. Of course, I love coming back to my old room, seeing the whole pictures on the wall, and sleeping in my bed... but the older I get, the more it is something more emotional I seek. 

When I am in Manila, I feel like I AM someone. And better even, I feel like I can ME. So whenever I am too tired to go on, too tired to take another breath, I fly home. Tank up on my energy so I can go back to work, to life, to friends and family. Home is where I put all the broken pieces back together so I can live a normal life wherever I live in that moment. Home is where my "person" lives. The one person that doesn't judge, that can tell me anything without me being offended, the one person that loves me and that I love unconditionally without being my family. My best friend, my sister, my person.

Starting a new year

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A new year has started... It's 2009. I can't really believe how fast time has passed... I am graduating college in June and I hardly even realised it has already been three years since I finished high school. I'm finally turning 21 this year and it seems that a lot of changes lie ahead. 

Like everyone in the world, I have been thinking and thinking what could be my new years resolution. But I can't seem to come out with anything smart...

Resolution 1: I will only date guys with whom it is actually possible to build a stable relationship.

Resolution 2: I will be nicer to my parents and less short-tempered

Resolution 3: Less parties and more thoughts about what I am going to do next

The problem is, I don't like making resolutions because they never work out.

We tell ourselves this year is going to be different, this year is going to be MY year. But then we end up disappointed because we look back at what has happened and the year doesn't seem to have been as eventful as we hoped.

My 2008 was not good nor bad. Love was not on my side this year, but my career was... I look back and don't really regret anything I have done. Of course there are always minor things that I would change if I could, but all in all I am pretty satisfied. 

So what do I wish for 2009? I really don't know... I guess my resolution is really going to be: 

I won't make my happiness dependent on anyone else but me. Whatever happens is meant to be, and to every rainy day there is a sunny one to follow... 

Getting caught up in memories

My first boyfriend and me were together for a year and a half. We were happy. It was not always easy... there were tears, fights and apologies but there were also deep feelings for each other, real connection and beautiful moments. We separated when I moved to another country... I never felt so hurt in my whole life, then when I stepped into the plane that would end my first love. 

It has been two years now and him and me are still in touch. We call each other occasionally and always plan on meeting up but never get to do it for some reason... 

Except for this one time a few weeks ago. I was home in Munich for a short stop-over before flying to the Philippines... and we actually managed to see each other. And I got caught up in memories.

Everything was the way it used to be... he came to my house, we were lying in bed and talking about everything that has happened since the last time we saw each other, we had dinner with my parents, drove to his house, got ready to go out, met with his friends to pre-drink and went clubbing with each other. He was hugging me in the club, giving me a massage when my back was aching, and he wanted me to sleep-over at his place, since I already missed my ride home...

And I said no, because even though being with him felt so right, it was very wrong. He has a girlfriend, we said we had moved on, we decided that we couldn't be together anymore and that was the most painful decision I ever took, but it's a decision I wasn't going to change... 

And now I miss him... I wonder what would have happened if I would have just gone home with him. Being with him always made me feel safe... 

Memories are dangerous, they can break your heart, even when you thought it healed a long time ago...

There is this boy I dated last year, it was only a month, but there was this special something between us that is very rare to find... When I left the country we knew that there was no point of having a long distance relationship, since we hadn't been dating for a very long time, but we kept in touch... I was naive enough to think that when I would come back we could just continue where we left it off... It worked for exactly one night. And then everything broke to pieces. He ignored me, I was upset, he got mad because I was being dramatic, I got pissed, we aren't speaking...

Memories are scary, because some memories are better locked up some place where they can never be released again...

Some memories just hurt...

Coming home

My mom is a filipina, my dad is french, I was born and raised with my sister in Germany, I study in Switzerland and I work in France. I could not be more of a vagabond if I wanted to...

The only thing I hate when meeting new people, is when they ask me were I come from. I don't really have a country I can call my own. I am french, but I never lived in France. I am German, but there is no german blood in me. I am filipina, but I don't speek the language and don't know the culture, I am Swiss but only a few months a year.

After years of years of wondering where I am from I realised there is no easy answer to that question... and there doesn't have to be. My job requires me to travel anyways, so having no real "roots" makes it easier for me... I don't feel like I am leaving something behind, but more like I am gaining something new.

It took me a long time to figure out where HOME was... The realisation came when I met my best friends. Home is where your heart is. Home is that one place in the world you want to be when you are happy, when you are sad and when you just don't want to be alone... And for me that place is Manila. My best friends live here. It's not the city or the parties that make me feel like I am not a stranger when I am here, it's those special people that make me feel like everything will always be alright. That can actually convince me that even though today it may be raining, tomorrow the sun will shine again, I just have to have faith.

I love my friends, because after years of searching where I belong, they gave me a home to come back to whenever I needed to tank up some energy when I feel like the world is crashing down on me and I don't know how to make it to the next day...