My own "Mr. Big"

Anyone that ever watched Sex and the City knows who Mr. Big is...

And in my life, I have my own personal Mr. Big. He is that one man that is so unbelievably attractiv and so unattainable... And of course, I am magically attracted to him.

How did I meet him? Me and the girls decided to go out clubbing in Paris. We went to this new and chic club. Sitting at our VIP-Table sipping on Grey-Goose Vodka, we felt like superstars... and then we saw this table. Spotlights, top models, handsome men and champagne... they were the VVIPs we realised. And there was this one man I couldn't help but stare at. There was something about him that couldn't be defined. Wherever he was, all eyes were automatically on him. It was amazing... And suddenly he looked in my direction, smiled and made me understand that I should join him. My heart stoppped for a second and the whole world stopped moving. There was no noise, no movement, not anything. It was like in a movie. 

We spent the end of the evening talking and it all ended in a picture perfect good-night kiss. And there I was... in aw for a man.

We were supposed to go on a dinner date but we never got past his appartement... there was this magical attraction between us, real intense desire... There was no awkwardeness of a first time, or embarassement when you realise you just got taken away by the moment. We spent hours talking in bed and fell asleep next to each other. I felt comfortable the next morning, even though my hair was a mess and I probably didn't look my best in his way to big sweater...

But like every perfect man, he has his flaws. It happens that he just disappears for a few days, and when he reemerges to the surface it's to tell me that he had to jet to New York or Istanbul or some other cosmopolitan city for a business trip and was way to busy to call...

His busy schedule keeps us from being able to have long evenings together and we try to squeeze in a few hours once a week where we can at least see each other. 

We both have lives on our own and they only intertwine for very few instants. I date aside from him, he has girlfriends aside from me... but somehow there is this "thing" between us that can't be defined. It's the exact reason why, even though sometimes we don't hear from each other for a month, we always end up getting in touch again and when we see each other it's like we were never separated. 

And maybe he is really my own personal "Mr. Big" and in the end I will be able to change him and make him mine forever.

The Art of Moving

It really doesn't seem like I learn anything... Every time I move I tell myself, next time I will bring less stuff, because I really can't travel like this. And every time I start packing I realize, I really have too much things... And of course, I start packing my bags two days before my departure.

Same thing this time... Here I am in my tiny appartment in Paris, surrounded by sooooo many things that just won't fit into my suitcase anymore. So I buy a second suitcase, telling myself that everyone can carry two bags, especially since I can easily just pull them behind me... 

Unfortunately, my second bag was full when I looked around and realised I still have about a gazillion things to pack. That's when the many shopping bags I collected over the months come in handy... After two days of packing and packing everything is finally either in a suitcase or a bag and I am happy...

That doesn't last very long, because I realize I live on the second floor and there are no elevators... Half an hour later all my stuff is in the taxi and I am on my way to the train station... And when I arrive in the train station, lucky me, no more trolleys. So there I am running around looking for one while the taxi-meter just keeps on going. 

I have to admit, the moment I sat down in the train was probably the best feeling I had the whole day. The other train guests must have been furious when there was absolutely no more space for their suitcases... but hey, I promise: Next time I move, I will travel lighter...

Really!!!!

Leaving

Leaving is never easy and the people that tell you it becomes easier with time are lying.

I move to another city every six months in average. Which means every six months I start over again. 

At first I only thought about the positive things change brings. You get to have a fresh start. You meet people that don't know anything about you. You meet new people that have no judgement about you and don't know about the mistakes you have made in the past. It's exciting. A new city, new faces... every day is special.

But when you have moved away a few times and lost contact with people you care for because they changed their cellphone number or the email address you have from them doesn't longer exists it starts making you sad. The guy you went on a few dates with and with whom you felt like you could fall in love with is no miles away and of course you had to meet him just a few days before you left. All you have is a phone number... and if he loses that phone you are left with nothing but a fading memory.

Munich, Montreux, Geneva, Manila, Paris... in the last two years I have spent a few months here and there. I have met strangers, made them my friends and some of them even became as important as family. 

But then you leave... and it is never easy. Can goodbyes ever be easy? I don't know... all I know is that I have left Paris and the city of love has kept a part of me...

Goodbyes are hard, they hurt and they are sad... so I am done with the goodbyes. I am just going to stick around with the "I see you soon"'s.

Birthday Gift

Turning twenty is a big thing. It is a new milestone. A new chapter of my life. Well, that's what they say. 

But what is a birthday without a birthday gift. This year, I got a gift that can not be compared to anything else. For the first time in my life I received an original designer bag. And living in Paris, there can be only one designer: Louis Vuitton. 

I worship brands. How can I not? I work in the most famous palace of Paris. The Ritz. I see girls with gucci bags, Louboutin shoes, Louis Vuitton wallets and Paule Ka dresses. I live like a kid in a candy store that has parents hovering around her forbidding her to eat one of those sweet candies. 

I see all those beautiful things, but none of them I can have. 

The jewelry, the brands and everything else, it is blinding. And it keeps you longing. It may be superficial but seeing all this richness around yourself twenty four hours a day makes you hate the fact that at the end of the month your bank account is way to close to the zero for you to be able to afford the things you would like. 

But not this time. This time for one small moment I felt like them. My dad bought me a Louis Vuitton Tate bag for close to 800€. And I love it. 

Happy Birthday to me!

Turning 20

It was my birthday last week...

I finally got out of the teen years and started with the big "2". I am now twenty. 

I don't know how I feel about it. Everyone tells me the best years of my life are now. But I hope not. My love life is a desaster and my best friends live thousand miles away. The only thing working out is my job... which is basically the only thing that should not be falling into place in my young years. 

I can't be a kid anymore. I have to take my responsabilities, I have to work and become independent. That's what everyone says. But the weird thing is that I have done already. I have a job that I love and I am good at what I do. What else could I wish for? My boss is offering me a job, I can even choose what I want to do. Isn't that amazing?

And yet, I still feel empty. Like there is something missing. A boyfriend that cares or better, that is able to show he cares. And a best friend to whose house I can go when I feel depressed and all I want to do is listen to sad love songs and drink a nice bottle of red wine.

It was my birthday last week... And a new chapter is supposed to start in my life now. I just don't know how to begin with it.

Chosing between mistress and unhappy girlfriend

My love life is terrible. Amor hates me. He does. I am sure he does. 

I don't even know where to start...

My boyfriend or my ex-boyfriend or whatever we are is calling me telling me we are still together, that when we broke up, he was just mad at me, that he didn't actually mean it. He tells me that we can make this right again. Make our relationship right again. The only thing he wants to know is if I was faithful. What am I supposed to say? I was faithful for all the time we were together but I slept with someone else the day we broke up. Or better, the day I THOUGHT we broke up, but now apparently I thought wrong. So what should I tell the man I actually love? I slept with another guy a few hours after my boyfriend left me... or after I thought he left me because I thought it would numb the pain. How am I supposed to tell him that without him leaving me once and for all? But that's not enough. On top of it, he started his old habits of not calling nor texting. He is doing all those things that drive me crazy and I don't know if I want to be with him. 

And there is the guy I slept with to numb the pain. We went on dates, we had sex, we get along great and I feel comfortable around him. He is good-looking and he is rich... and I found out he has a girlfriend. No, I didn't find out in a dramatic kind of way. He told me. He was completely and fully honest with me. And I would have been okay with it, if he hadn't said: "I don't want this thing between us to end. I want everything to stay the same. I want us to continue seeing each other. I like you and I want to be with you, but I can't flush down five years of relationship down the toilet." How does that make any sense? How can you be with two persons at the same time? How can he tell me he has a girlfriend and think it won't change our relationship? 

And then comes the lucky third. A friend. Someone I talk to about everything and nothing. Someone that gets me, someone that I can laugh with and that just makes me feel good. And then he kissed me. He kissed me and ruined everything. Because like all the good men I meet in my life, he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he won't leave. But of course he tells me: "I want to be with you. I want us to go on dates and go on walk, I want to spend time with you and I want us to be together." And I can't. I am not a bad person. I don't destroy relationships. I am not selfish like that. And it would destroy me.

With either guy I would not be able to make it. I would pretend their girlfriends are some bitches, that don't deserve them and try to get rid of the guilt. And I would tell myself not to develop any feelings for them. But I would end up falling in love. And I would end up hurt. And I would end up alone. So I don't know what to do... because the men who pay me so much attention have girlfriends to come home to, they have girlfriends they call and that lie in bed with them at night when they feel lonely. The good men, the ones with whom a relationship would be what its supposed to be are taken already. 

And the one I am together with, takes me for granted... So tell me, how does that make any sense? Any sense at all... and tell me, how is this fair? Because for all I know, it's not... there is no good choice in this. The only right thing is apparently being alone... and I can't do that.

Lost

My boyfriend and me broke up after only five months of relationship.

It's been a week today since we said those words that would change everything. 

The first five days of our separation I managed to ignore these feelings that were inside me. How? I was going on dates with a rich, fabolous, nice and absolutely gorgeous guy, that made me feel like I was finally in some sort of "in-crowd". We would drive to the front of the best restaurants in Paris, I would get out of the Mustang after the valet opened the door for me and feel like I was somekind of superstar. Everyone is staring at you, because you are cutting the line and the bouncer is giving you a knowing look. You order without caring how much it costs and drink the best wine and champagne. It's a great feeling. 

Ignoring a heartbreak is easy, when you don't have to fall asleep alone, and when you wake up with the smell of a nice breakfast waiting for you in a condo that has the size of a house in the most expensive part of Paris. But every rich man has a job. And usually that job takes up many hours. So my "ego-booster" flew off to New York for business for a week and my ex-boyfriend couldn't have chosen a more perfect time to find his way back into my life.

I didn't call after we broke up. I didn't write. I didn't cry and I wasn't upset. And I was so proud of myself. 

But the first night I was alone at home looking around and seeing his t-shirt on my bed, because that's what I use as a pyjama, and the pictures of us on the wall, it suddenly hit me that all this was gone. That everything I was so afraid off had happened... again. And then the pain hit. In one big stomp, determined to destroy me. That's when the phone rang... an unknown number. Who was I to know, that my pain was to go away in just a few seconds. A familiar voice on the other side saying those words I so wanted to hear: "Hey baby, what's up? Have you forgotten about your boyfriend already? I miss you." All these things I had been longing to hear for months I was hearing at the most unlikely moment. I was so shocked that I didn't have ask him: "Are you crazy? Did you forget we broke up? What are you talking about?" He was actually arguing with me, telling me that I didn't care, that I hadn't called in a week. And I was apologizing. Defending myself... And now I am back where I was before, waiting for him to call after he promised he would. I called and asked him to call me back and he said he would right away... that's been over a day ago.

I don't understand. Does he or does he not want me? Why does he have to make me suffer so much? Why can't he just love me? I don't know where I stand and what we are. All I know is, I'm in pain... once again. And the worst part is, because of a guy that I am not even sure I am together with.

Being a VIP

Last week, I had the most incredible night...

Everything started, when me and my boyfriend broke up. I had been unhappy for quite some time now and there really was no point continuing hurting each other by being together. When that was done, my girlfriends decided it was time for me to make use of my contacts at the Ritz to get us into the most select club in Paris. The one club where people don't fall in line to get in, because if you don't know anyone there, you won't get in. Even if you look like Jessica Alba and throw yourself at the bouncers neck. Only the rich and famous can get in, it's the LAW. 

But lucky me, I know the general manager of the Ritz who happens to also go this famous "VIP Room" every friday.  

He gave me a contact and there we were. Ten girls standing in front of a big black door with very scary securities in front. So I stroll to one of them, and in a very cool and star-like manner I say: "My name is Céline, I'm Omer's assistant from the Ritz!"

And there we were, sitting at the best table with a 1,5L Bottle of Grey Goose bottle starring at a crowd of beautiful people we had only seen on TV. 

It was probably the most amazing night I have spent in Paris so far... and you know what they say about heartbreaks, nothing better to get over a man, then another man that is a hundred times better than the one you lost. 

So meeting a nice young man that evening did make the night a little more fun... and the fact that his suit was Armani, his shoes Guccis and that he drove a stunning Mustang didn't hurt either.

My first night as a VIP felt good... I am definitely starting to feel the nice perks of working in one of the biggest and most famous palaces of this planet.

Dream Day Wedding

Like every girl, when I was just twelve I dreamed of the perfect wedding.

How it would be. Of course the groom would be my first and last love. The one man of my life. 

Well that part of my wedding will not exactly go down this way, but still.

I know exactly how I want to get married...

It has to be a big church, with a beautiful rosary behind the altar, where the sun will shine through just as the big doors open and I walk in on my dads arm. 

Waiting for me will be the man of my life. "The one" as we all like to call him.

And most importantly I will be wearing a dress, so breathtaking that for a moment it will seem like all two-hundred guests will have gone silent just for this second, so that the bride and the grooms eyes can meet for a few seconds and tell each other "I love you". 

And today I actually met the guy that will be making my dress... Oscar De La Renta.

You probably think I am crazy, already knowing which brand my wedding dress will be, and yes I agree, it does sound crazy.

But when I hear this name, I already see myself wearing this dress and glowing in it because of it's beauty but also because of the happiness I will feel this day. Hearing the word "Oscar De La Renta" makes me hear the music the band will play at our first dance, I can taste the cake in my mouth already and feel that kiss that will bond me to the man I love, through happiness and sadness, through good times and bad times, through sickness and health...

Meeting this man was incredible... and seeing him smile when I tell him that my biggest dream is to get married in one of his creations was absolutely unbelievable. 

Working at the Ritz makes me meet the person that will make my wedding incredible... apart from my groom of course. 

So I met Oscar De La Renta and he said: "I hope you find the perfect dress when the time is there". So all I have to now, is find the groom...

Confusion is nothing new

I was planning on breaking up my boyfriend.

I really was... but then I heard his voice, and the longer we were talking (or arguing) the less I was able to.

So I went out to party, get my mind off things, feel happy just for a few hours.

Its been three days since our last call... three days since I told him: "I hate you, I don't know you".

We haven't talked since. I called, but he didn't answer. So I gave up...

And now, I am not breathing... so I am not harassing him with calls until he answer. I am waiting.

Maybe because I am afraid of what he has to say, or maybe because I am just tired.

This deep feeling of tiredness I have been feeling for so long. It cannot be described. This feeling that you have, when you feel like you give so much and get nothing in return.

I work so hard to make everything work and I'm successful when it comes to my career, but I am always losing in love. Losing in this one categorie, where it is so important to win... because losing wears you out. It empties you out... and everytime it gets harder and harder to fill yourself with happiness again. 

I am empty. I don't feel anything at the moment. I don't cry. I don't laugh. I don't do anything. I just am, because for now, it is all I have the strength to do.

Letter to my heart

Dear Heart,

Why don't you ever listen to me? That man is no good for her. He is hurting her and causing you so much pain. She takes hour-long showers, just because she tries to hide from herself that the water flowing down her face, are tears... 

Yesterday, you decided it was time for change... You decided it was time to be selfish, to think of yourself first and to leave him behind. It hurt her to think about it, but you were so damn sure about it that you managed to convince her.

And now look at you today... all hard and made of stone again. This is what he made of you.

You managed to make her call him with the idea in mind that this would be it, the last call ever made to this stupid number her fingers already know by heart (and not by brain I should mention).

And then he answered and took exactly two words to get you off track: "Hey babe". And that is where you let her down, you backed out and left her alone to deal with it. 

She got confused, stumbled over her own words and there were so many blank minutes in that conversation.

She asked about the visa, that he never seems to get. And once again the answer was: "I don't have it yet". She asked if she was going to see him for her birthday and what they were going to do... and you skipped a beat when he told her "What do you want to do? For a special occasion like that I'll definitely find some time off my busy schedule". 

Busy schedule... isn't that exactly the problem? Too busy to see his own girlfriend? And of course he says: "You know me, I'm always busy". And she was bold, for once she told him how she felt, even if she only had three brave words in that ten minutes conversation: "No, I don't". She doesn't know him anymore, the man she knows is someone else.

The man she knows would get mad at her for not writing at least once a day. The man she knows would her write her a message, just to say he misses her. The man she knows would do anything to spend just a minute with her. The man she knows cares about how she feels and what she did at work. The man she knows put her first, before anything else. The man she knows, believed she changed for him, he believed that she was faithful to him because she loved him. And he loved her...

But the man that calls himself her boyfriend now, doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't care that he is being an ass, and most of all, he doesn't care that he is breaking her heart. He thinks she cheats and he doesn't have any kind words for her apart from "baby". 

So she thinks... "He thinks I cheat. He is on my wall, on my profile pictures, I am in a relationship and everyone knows. I write him and call him. I do everything, but nothing is enough". And then she realises "I am not on his wall, he deletes every post that could show that I am his girlfriend. He has no pictures of us. And his relationship status is nowhere to be seen. He doesn't call and sometimes doesn't even answer the phone. So tell me, who is the one cheating?" 

And yet, you let her down. You became soft and once again the conversation ended on her being mad at him but mostly at herself. And he said as usual "I gotta go, I'll call you later". 

A call she will never get, and when she will realise that again, it will break you again... and again... and again...

So tell me my dear heart, what is she supposed to do, when you keep deceiving her...

Back her up, because tonight, she is bringing the old Celine back, the one that parties and flirts... and she will see if the relationship she is in is worth fighting for, or if she already gave up and is just looking for the right words to tell him.

XOXO,

Brain

Cravings

Every girl has cravings... My craving goes by the name of Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerrys...

I absolut love ice cream. Ice cream can heal all my troubles.

Had a bad day at work? Grab a pot of cookies & cream and scoop it out in front of the TV. Your boyfriend left you for no definable reason? Grab an extra large pot of Caramel Split Häagen Dazs and there you go, your heart feels so much better. Like the caramel has glued back the pieces of your hearth right away. 

When a girl stands in front of a full-body mirror, we look at the little fat on our belly and the not-so-smooth skin on our hips and we tell ourselves, "I will go to the gym tomorrow and sign up for all the possible classes I can attend" and "I will eat healthy now, no more fat and greasy dinners, no more chocolate, candy and ice cream..." 

And then comes the first setback... and what do we do... we look for that last pot of ice cream hidden all the way in the back of the fridge. The one pot we hid there, pretending we forgot all about it... But we all know we kept it there, just in case we would be watching a movie, wanting to have this spoon of nice, ice cold, pot of hell. 

And now, I am going to eat some ice cream, and pretend the only reason I am doing it, is because my throat hurts and it's the only thing that smooths it out...

Shopaholic

Hello my name is C, and I am a shopaholic.

This is what I would I say, if I would go to an "Anonymous shopaholic"-Meeting. 

I shop to make myself feel better... I have over thirty t-shirts, twenty pair of jeans, ten winter jackets, a crazy amount of underwear and so many tops I can't even count them anymore... And yet, I still go out and shop some more. I can't help it.

I go out to buy something I really need: A pen, or some paper or something else. And then I just pass by the boutiques and tell myself "I'll just take a look". And when I come home, my hands are full of bags and my wallet as well as my bank account are totally emptied out.

And the thing is, so am I. I cut off the price tags, fold my clothes nicely... I even sort them by colour, and then I put them in the closet where they belong.

That is the hardest moment, arranging my closet and realising the amount of clothes I managed to assemble in all those years. The amount of money spent on garnement I will never use... Just to fill this empty hole inside me... a hole that can't be filled with the nicest clothes, or the hottest new pair of shoes.

I have to find a way to make myself feel better for longer than just a couple of hours... I need to find a way to fulfill myself... 

But until I find a way, I will buy the newest pair of Louboutins and the hot new jeans that makes your ass look twenty times better than any other pair, and that bag, that everyone wants to have...

Money doesn't save from loneliness

Today I checked in the one type of person I despite the most. 

Our check-in form is quite simple, it only requires a few minutes of our guests time... Please give us our address, your phone number, your email address, the newspaper you would like to read in the morning and a signature. Of course, whoever wants too can gives us information about their profession, where they work and what they do...

The woman that checked in today, the one that I despite so much, asked me if "Wealthy" is a profession... she put out a bunch of dollar bills, spilled them out on the table and started counting them and then she asked me if I think she would be able to spend it all in one day.

But that was not enough, she told me she needed a drink, because her private helicopter flight was too stressful and then she showed me her hundred different pairs of earrings, one by one.

After despiting her, I realised something... this woman might be bragging about the fortune she owns, but the only reason she was describing to me every little pathetic detail of her "oh-so-perfect-life" is because she was alone. 

She flies from London to Paris with her private jet to shop, alone. She goes into the store and buys things she doesn't need, alone. 

No one believes in the saying "Money doesn't buy happiness". Let's be honest, we all think that our lives will be so much easier if we just had the money. And I thought the same. I thought that when my boyfriend broke me up, if I could just buy these pair of Jimmy Choos that I always wanted, or that Gucci Bag I was dying to get... 

But in the end, you can only make your own happiness. That is just the way it is. No bag, no pair of shoes could make me fill total again after I've gotten my heart broken.

I know what I am talking about. Moving every couple of months because of work and studies means that I am alone a lot. And what do I do, when my boyfriend is not answering the phone, and the time difference keeps me from calling my best friend I go shopping, to fill the emptiness inside me. My closet just keeps on getting fuller, and the emptiness keeps on getting bigger...

Money can't buy you happiness, it's true, we should reall start realising that...

and most of all, you have to learn, and so do I, that being alone, doesn't mean being lonely.

A step in the right direction

As I mentioned plenty of times before, my dream is to be a general manager in one of the big palaces in this world.

How was I to know, that a simple dinner, would be the first milestone of my career.

In my college, I was the vice-president of the Student Ambassador Forum (SAF, something like a student committee). Lucky me, I had the chance to present the SAF in front of the governing board of my school. 

This is when I met, what turned out to become my mentor and the person that would believe in me and push me to become something great.

Omer Acar is an alumni, but more than that he is the general manager of the Ritz in Paris. Probably one of the most famous palaces in the whole wide world. In twelve years, he went from graduating college, to managing this amazing hotel. An idol, for everyone that wants to make it in this business. And I had the chance to have dinner with him. 

Honestly, I was just a nervous wrack, but he is a great person that made me comfortable. He was totally down-to-earth and made me feel really good. Dinner was so fun, I can't describe it. I probably hadn't laughed that much in a long time. It went that far, that I actually totally forgot that this could be my future employer. We talked about parties and boy stories... stuff you really wouldn't want your boss to now. But oh surprise, me just being me convinced him, and here I am now, doing my internship at the front desk at the Ritz. 

My colleagues are awesome, my job experience is fantastic and meeting the big stars is just unblievably great. 

But more than working in this environment, this man helped me set foot in the business I am planning on succeed in. He believes in me, helps me find the right way and mentors me.

I have a great deal of respect for him and everything he has done for me. This internship is my first step in the right direction...

The women in my life

Every girl has a group of girls around her... and so do I!

P, my best friend, and R&R, two twins that have found their way into my life and made it so much better.

We live on three different continents... and honestly I never thought we were going to make it through this distance. But we did.

We still hear from each other on a regular basis, and we will reunite soon... It is what I am countdowning towards...

I never thought I would find girls to hang with, that would understand me and never judge me... but I did.

These girls are my personal gossip queens, party princesses, shopping addicts and real beauties.

And I just fucking love them!

Soulmates

When people talk about soulmates, they immediately think about a man and a woman that are deeply in love... when I think of soulmates I think of my best friend.

I met P a year ago in Manila. We met through a common friend at a fashion show. We didn't grow up the same way, didn't go to the same school, didn't even have the same interests but somehow this girl went from being a stranger to being my family.

When I was in high school I had a lot of trouble being friends with girls. They would always try to compete against me, because I got along great with guys. It always ended in fights and dramas, and one day I decided that I didn't need a girl best friend like everyone else, that I was happy with having only boys as friends.

But when I met P, I realized that she filled something that was missing in my life. Something was always missing, I just never could figure out what it was. In just a few weeks, P became the most important person in my life... She knew when something was wrong, even though I was acting like everything was alright. She shared happiness and sadness with me, and I have shared her happiness and her sadness. When I am weak she is strong for me, and when I feel like my life just unbelievably sucks, she shows me that there always is a reason to fight just a little more...

I try to be her rock, the best I can... and somehow sometimes I believe that I can help her more than I can help myself. But I feel like this is what best friends are for. I can tell her everything, I can admit to her things I can't even admit to myself... 

We are not just best friends, she's the better part of me, she's my conscience, my brain and so much more. We only know each other for a year, but it seems like we have known each other our whole lives. She knows me better than anyone else, and she is the only person I can admit things to that I would be ashamed of admitting to anyone else. 

I am grateful for this gift God granted me, because now I feel less alone in this crazy world...

I love you babe, and I miss you every day! You are my best friend, my sister, my brain when my heart takes over, and my heart when my brain takes over! Thank you!

My future

I don't really remember when, but there was a day when I woke up and decided that I wanted to be the general manager of a hotel. I can't tell you what brought me to make such a decision, I just realised that hospitality and tourism would be the one business I would be good at. 

When I told my parents that this is what I wanted to do, they were great. They have supported me from the second I decided that. I found out that when my dad was younger he had the same dream as me, but his parents couldn't afford to send him to a hotel management school, so he took another road. But I was determined. And I still am, it is what I want to do and nothing else.

Studying hotel management is not granted to everyone, especially not if you want to go to the best school, and these schools are in Switzerland.

My parents spend a fortune on my education, and they had to step back in many ways to enable me to realize my dreams and I am very grateful. Thanks to them I was able to study at the Hotel Institute Montreux.This is why I study like crazy, work my ass off and neglect my friends...

Without wanting to throw my modesty out of the window I must say I am good at what I do. I am top of my class and I excel at work. And I figured out why... Everything I do seems so natural to me... 

I will be a general manager of a top hotel in this world someday, because it is my destiny... it is my future. I've given up very much already for it, I am not planning on letting anything get in my way to fulfill my dream... I am a career girl, and I will make it!

Should I stay or should I go?

Four months ago, I went out for brunch, after a crazy night out partying... I was sitting outside on the terrace talking to my friends about everything and nothing, when I noticed this guy sitting with them. A guy I noticed before, but never really paid attention to. This is the day M came into my life. He was good-looking and he was part of that group of people everyone wanted to be friends with. But, following the rule book of seduction, I didn't talk to him... Of course I would give him some glances sometimes and catch his occasional stare... but that's it.

Brunch was over and everyone went home. And when I got to my room, to satisfy my facebook addiction, I had a nice surprise... M added you to his friends. And there was the first step to what should become a relationship. I added him, obviously... but when I saw his profile I was upset... M is in a relationship. I just thought, damn it... I am not a relationship breaker and I don't like guys that cheat. I guess all he'll ever be is a friend. We started chating on MSN, but nothing wild, since I thought he had a girlfriend. He took me out for a drink, nothing happened though. We had a drink and he drove me home and said goodnight. I have to admit, I was kinda disappointed that he didn't even try to kiss me, but all I was thinking is "girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend".

And then the best surprise of all, Facebook once again... M is no longer listed as in a relationship. But then I thought, what? But he didn't try to kiss me... Damn it, I'm just a friend it seems.

I proved to be wrong. Friday came and I was prepared to party with my girls, when I got a message... where are you? I'll pick you up, let's hang out. So there he came, all charming and good-looking and picked me up with his red car from the bar where I was getting drunk with the girls. (And for the protocol, two months later I found out he had friends spying on me that night, to see if there were any other boys flying around me). 

He took me back to his place, where his friends embarassed him by making hearts of post-its on his wall and lighting up a dozen of candles. I thought it was cute, he was just totally embarassed. We talked for a looong time... or I talked, most of the time, because I was so nervous.

And then he kissed me. We kissed for hours, and when I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, he was totally fine with it, kissed me, held me in his arms and we fell asleep. I think that's the moment I decided that I should give that guy a chance. I had gotten my heartbroken, but he might just be different. 

We had to wake up early that day, since it was his graduation. We spend every minute of the next night together as well... and than it was already goodbye, because I was leaving for Paris.

He came to visit me... I must say, it was awkward, I still had my guards up and he felt it. But he fought for me... 

I flew to Serbia to see him, and when I saw him at the airport waiting for me I knew... I had totally fallen for him. I flew back to see him again two weeks after that.

We were happy... I was happy. We were great together, apart from the occasional fights that keep a relationship exciting. And the sex was worth waiting...

But now, I don't know what is going wrong... but something definitely is. He doesn't fight for me anymore, he takes me for granted, I can feel it... The: "I'll text/call you tomorrow!"-promises keep getting broken, and I am turning into this pathetic girl that keeps on calling and keeps on texting and keeps on getting upset, mad and angry at the guy for not answering... and he gets annoyed, and I get annoyed... WHAT IS HAPPENING? So now all I want to know, is it just a phase, is he maybe hiding something, does he feel guilty, and does he still love me like he used to?

So tell me.... should I stay or should I go?

Someone to look up too

I grew up in a small town in Germany, more precisely in a tiny village called Oberhaching near Munich. 

My parents have been married for ages, they are the kind of couple that are hard to find these days. My mom lays out my dads clothes every morning and she gets up with him, to have a cup of coffee in the morning before he goes to work and she crawls back to bed just for a another hour or two. Until he calls her, to wake her up or to hear what she is doing. Then he comes home, they have dinner at seven and then they watch TV together. Every night, and every day for more then twenty years. Sounds boring to you, well that's sad. Because to me, that just sounds like the kind of marriage I would want to have.

I look up to my parents for having managed to find each other in this crazy world, where one out of two marriages falls apart and where none of us believe in soulmates anymore.

But there is another person I look up to. My older sister. Seven years older than me, almost eight.

When I was still little I was so impressed by her. My parents trusted her completely and for good reasons. I thought she had the perfect relationship, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect friends and the perfect grades. All in all, the perfect life. But as all of us, she experienced setbacks. But funny enough, that just made me look up to her even more. Because she never gave up, always followed through with what she thought was right. She never listened to anyone but herself, not even to my parents. And they can be quite convincing and sometimes they can seem mean, even though I know they love us from the bottom of there heart and want to protect us. 

I have always been jealous of her, she had all I ever wanted. And to be honest, she still does. I am the rebel of the family, or at least I used to be. I wanted to go out and party when I wasn't supposed to and I never managed to make a man stick to me for long enough... but my sister found her true love, her soulmate. When you see them together, you just know, this is how it is supposed to be. And I envy her so much, you can't imagine... on my way of finding something at least half as beautiful as what she has, I have gone over a few boyfriends, some of which I am not very proud of. 

But I am not the romantic one of the family. It even seems like I am not the one that has family, house with garden and fence, written in her future. I am the career-oriented one. I travel around the world because that's what you do when you are in the hospitality business. I have crazy working hours, and I even do some overtime to impress the boss. I study like crazy, top of my class, because this job is what I want to do. I want to be a business woman. I want to be the general manager of the big hotels of this world.

So I look up to my sister, and I envy her, because she has, what I gave up when I started my insaningly-expensive hospitality management studies... a steady partner to love. A home. 

And crazy enough, I had to open a blog to tell her that, because we were not raised to spill our feelings out on a table... we were raised to be strong! 

And I will be strong, because I want my family to be proud of me. Maybe they won't be proud of me because I managed to raise a family, but they should at least be proud of me for what I'll become.

Confidence

I am nineteen years old and yet my love life is that of someone in their mid-twenties...

Like most of us I met my first love in high school. Last year of school, the moment where everyone should be focusing on their grades, but no one is... Parties and falling in love, that was our schedule. M was my first true love and we had an on-off relationship for over a year. I was 16 back then, and still had some principles. No sex before three months of relationship, because then it would mean, it is something serious. We had five great months, until the cheating started. Not from my side of course. One day I came home, stormed into the living room, jumped on the couch and cried my heart out onto my sisters lap. I cried and I cried, and I could barely keep down the tears at dinner. Of course, my parents could never know that the boy I had told them so much about was a liar and a cheater... especially not if I knew that I would forgive him and win him back. No matter what. And I did. But two months later, history repeats itself... and I forgave, and he cheated, and I forgave... and it went on for 16 months. Until I moved to another country, which helped me finally get the courage to leave him behind... I know, you are all telling yourselves, "Well if he had done that to me, I would never forgive him", but trust me, when you are in love you are willing to do so much, because you feel that losing him will be much more painful than staying with him, even when it means waking up in the night, because you are in so much pain. Those deep feelings can wake you from the deepest dreams and make you sit on the cold floor crying and crying without knowing how to stop.

From that day on, every country I would go to, would lead to another boyfriend. Starting with a Romanian in Montreux (Switzerland for the less cosmopolicious people amongst us), passing on to a Bulgarian in Geneva, spending the christmas holidays and new years with a Filipino in Manila and Valentines Day with another Filipino in Boston. 

And here I am now, living in Paris, with a Serbian boyfriend that lives in Belgrade. And the closer the end of my internship is coming, the more I can feel that once again we are not going to make it.

It's this distinct feeling when you know something is going terribly wrong somewhere, but you don't know how to fix it... and you think and think and think, until you get to the point where you are just not sure if you actually still want to fix it. 

My first love broke my heart in a way, that it may be fixed now, but it is incapable of forgetting... and therefore always doubting.

I'm a just a small and young girl, in a big city that is looking for some love... but I can't trust and I can't be trusted.

So I get into a plane and fly far away from all the heartbreak... but when I arrive at the airport and come out of customs with my suitcase in one hand and the pieces of my heart in the other, there is no one there to pick me up. I see all these people coming together, smiling, crying and full of happiness because they managed to find each other again... and all I am looking for, is the nearest taxi stand.

Maybe just this once, my intuition could be wrong, and things will get better, because I believe in him, but I am not sure if he believes in me... I need him to love me, because I need this to work. I am tired of being alone, and I want someone to stand at the airport, waiting for me, and have a smile brighten up his face when our eyes meet each other, and I know... I'm home.

Pick up the Phone

We have all been through it... sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. Who is he? He is the guy who never calls when he said he would, the guy who never texted, even though he promised. And why is it, that we only think a few seconds about the man who calls and writes every day but we can spend hours working our brains off for this one man that never ever bothers calling. 

The worst thing is, I am not even waiting for him to call, I am waiting for him to pick up the phone.

Yes, it's even more pathetic. I am becoming best friends with the dial tone.

Of course, like every other hopeless romantic girl in this world that has ever been in love, I try to get him out of my head. Tell myself that he is not worth it and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Better fish, caviar-worth, that would put me as top priority. 

But no, I like the one-day old sushi, that lies on the top of the shelves with a half price discount tagged on it. And girls, don't lie, when it comes to that, we all want to take that nice and special offer. And then when we mix the wasabi with the soy sauce and have the first bite, we are disappointed. The fish doesn't taste that fresh anymore, the rice is all sticky and we regret that we are not biting into a nice caviar blini right now.

But we never learn, and the next time we have a sushi craving, we still grab for that one pack that has the big, red half price sticker glued on it... and regret it!

I am comparing men to fish, that's what happens with lonely girls that sit around in their cozy condo in Paris, waiting for the men they love to call..... or in my case, to pick up the phone.