Lost

My boyfriend and me broke up after only five months of relationship.

It's been a week today since we said those words that would change everything. 

The first five days of our separation I managed to ignore these feelings that were inside me. How? I was going on dates with a rich, fabolous, nice and absolutely gorgeous guy, that made me feel like I was finally in some sort of "in-crowd". We would drive to the front of the best restaurants in Paris, I would get out of the Mustang after the valet opened the door for me and feel like I was somekind of superstar. Everyone is staring at you, because you are cutting the line and the bouncer is giving you a knowing look. You order without caring how much it costs and drink the best wine and champagne. It's a great feeling. 

Ignoring a heartbreak is easy, when you don't have to fall asleep alone, and when you wake up with the smell of a nice breakfast waiting for you in a condo that has the size of a house in the most expensive part of Paris. But every rich man has a job. And usually that job takes up many hours. So my "ego-booster" flew off to New York for business for a week and my ex-boyfriend couldn't have chosen a more perfect time to find his way back into my life.

I didn't call after we broke up. I didn't write. I didn't cry and I wasn't upset. And I was so proud of myself. 

But the first night I was alone at home looking around and seeing his t-shirt on my bed, because that's what I use as a pyjama, and the pictures of us on the wall, it suddenly hit me that all this was gone. That everything I was so afraid off had happened... again. And then the pain hit. In one big stomp, determined to destroy me. That's when the phone rang... an unknown number. Who was I to know, that my pain was to go away in just a few seconds. A familiar voice on the other side saying those words I so wanted to hear: "Hey baby, what's up? Have you forgotten about your boyfriend already? I miss you." All these things I had been longing to hear for months I was hearing at the most unlikely moment. I was so shocked that I didn't have ask him: "Are you crazy? Did you forget we broke up? What are you talking about?" He was actually arguing with me, telling me that I didn't care, that I hadn't called in a week. And I was apologizing. Defending myself... And now I am back where I was before, waiting for him to call after he promised he would. I called and asked him to call me back and he said he would right away... that's been over a day ago.

I don't understand. Does he or does he not want me? Why does he have to make me suffer so much? Why can't he just love me? I don't know where I stand and what we are. All I know is, I'm in pain... once again. And the worst part is, because of a guy that I am not even sure I am together with.