My love life is terrible. Amor hates me. He does. I am sure he does.
I don't even know where to start...
My boyfriend or my ex-boyfriend or whatever we are is calling me telling me we are still together, that when we broke up, he was just mad at me, that he didn't actually mean it. He tells me that we can make this right again. Make our relationship right again. The only thing he wants to know is if I was faithful. What am I supposed to say? I was faithful for all the time we were together but I slept with someone else the day we broke up. Or better, the day I THOUGHT we broke up, but now apparently I thought wrong. So what should I tell the man I actually love? I slept with another guy a few hours after my boyfriend left me... or after I thought he left me because I thought it would numb the pain. How am I supposed to tell him that without him leaving me once and for all? But that's not enough. On top of it, he started his old habits of not calling nor texting. He is doing all those things that drive me crazy and I don't know if I want to be with him.
And there is the guy I slept with to numb the pain. We went on dates, we had sex, we get along great and I feel comfortable around him. He is good-looking and he is rich... and I found out he has a girlfriend. No, I didn't find out in a dramatic kind of way. He told me. He was completely and fully honest with me. And I would have been okay with it, if he hadn't said: "I don't want this thing between us to end. I want everything to stay the same. I want us to continue seeing each other. I like you and I want to be with you, but I can't flush down five years of relationship down the toilet." How does that make any sense? How can you be with two persons at the same time? How can he tell me he has a girlfriend and think it won't change our relationship?
And then comes the lucky third. A friend. Someone I talk to about everything and nothing. Someone that gets me, someone that I can laugh with and that just makes me feel good. And then he kissed me. He kissed me and ruined everything. Because like all the good men I meet in my life, he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he won't leave. But of course he tells me: "I want to be with you. I want us to go on dates and go on walk, I want to spend time with you and I want us to be together." And I can't. I am not a bad person. I don't destroy relationships. I am not selfish like that. And it would destroy me.
With either guy I would not be able to make it. I would pretend their girlfriends are some bitches, that don't deserve them and try to get rid of the guilt. And I would tell myself not to develop any feelings for them. But I would end up falling in love. And I would end up hurt. And I would end up alone. So I don't know what to do... because the men who pay me so much attention have girlfriends to come home to, they have girlfriends they call and that lie in bed with them at night when they feel lonely. The good men, the ones with whom a relationship would be what its supposed to be are taken already.
And the one I am together with, takes me for granted... So tell me, how does that make any sense? Any sense at all... and tell me, how is this fair? Because for all I know, it's not... there is no good choice in this. The only right thing is apparently being alone... and I can't do that.
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