Confusion is nothing new

I was planning on breaking up my boyfriend.

I really was... but then I heard his voice, and the longer we were talking (or arguing) the less I was able to.

So I went out to party, get my mind off things, feel happy just for a few hours.

Its been three days since our last call... three days since I told him: "I hate you, I don't know you".

We haven't talked since. I called, but he didn't answer. So I gave up...

And now, I am not breathing... so I am not harassing him with calls until he answer. I am waiting.

Maybe because I am afraid of what he has to say, or maybe because I am just tired.

This deep feeling of tiredness I have been feeling for so long. It cannot be described. This feeling that you have, when you feel like you give so much and get nothing in return.

I work so hard to make everything work and I'm successful when it comes to my career, but I am always losing in love. Losing in this one categorie, where it is so important to win... because losing wears you out. It empties you out... and everytime it gets harder and harder to fill yourself with happiness again. 

I am empty. I don't feel anything at the moment. I don't cry. I don't laugh. I don't do anything. I just am, because for now, it is all I have the strength to do.