Breaking and glueing back together a heart

Every girl reads Cosmo or Glamour or any magazine of some sort that has at least once published an article dealing with the so-called "stages of a break-up". They usually include something like, denial, pain and guilt, anger, depression, reconstruction, acceptance.

So until now I have been following that pattern... so yeah, girly magazines are sometimes right. But I did say: "until now".

When my boyfriend, sorry, ex-boyfriend, told me we needed to talk my first instinct was: "No, this can't happen. He is mistaken. The day will pass, he'll think about it and realize he is wrong and that we are just going to a rough phase." When I did actually admit to myself that he probably wasn't changing his mind just now, pain hit me. I talked about the pain I've been feeling but I'm starting to live with the pain. Don't get me wrong, I still feel it. But it started to become like a part of me, so it's getting easier to breathe. I know that now I am supposed to hit the "anger" phase. The phase where I curse the guy, think to myself of what an asshole he is and get mad at him and his stupid ways. But I'm not.

My phase is not anger. My phase is a feeling of ambition. I will get him back. I will not let him go without a fight. This does not mean dramatic love letters and calls in the middle of the night. It means seduction and an honest talk. It means meeting, one on one in a calm environment and putting my cards right out on the table. It means going all-in. It's either I lose or I win it all.

Something in the way our relationship used to be tells me that this ain't over. Something tells me that we can fix this. Something that tells me that this will be a test of patience and that for once in my life I shouldn't rush and push people into making decisions that I want them to make.

Maybe all people ever need is a bit of hope. The hope that one day all is going to be good again. The hope that the person you have given your heart to loves you back. The hope that people make mistakes. The hope that you deserve to be happy and the hope that for once, your dream can come true.

Hurting

Pain. It's a funny thing really. Pain comes in all sorts of shapes. At all sorts of times. Sometimes stronger than others, sometimes it lasts longer than it usually does and sometimes it just feels like it's going to stay forever.

I'm hurting. Again. But this time is different.

Thomas was supposed to just be a rebound. He was supposed to get me over a broken heart. Too bad my heart wasn't broken when I met him. I was just terrified of being alone. He put sense back into my life. He gave me the confidence that had been taken away from me, through break-ups and silences. He showed me how it was to be in love again. And then he took it away.

"I don't know where my heart is right now, all I know is that it is not with me. My head is not in for a relationship right now and I hate myself because I don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If I were you, I'd be sick of myself." That's what he told me. That's what he told me when he decided he wanted to end this. And then he said that it's a bit sad, because we were pretty amazing together.

Pretty amazing. Yeah, I remember that part. I also remember the past weeks, where his silences have become longer and longer. I remember that I've been crying myself to sleep, knowing I am losing him and that there is nothing I can do to keep him close. And yet when he said those words that he'll never be able to take back it was like my world crumbled. I stopped breathing, only because it felt like a weight was sitting on my lungs and taking in air was too painful... He told me he still wanted me to come visit him whenever I wanted to. That he still wanted us to talk. That he still wanted me to be a part of his life.

What he doesn't understand is that I'm hurting. I don't think I felt this kind of pain in a long time. Oh yes, I've had heartaches... but this is different. This is not an ache. This is a real break. I thought he could actually be the one. As silly as it sounds. It was love at first sight. And I am so mad at myself for letting him in. For the first time I don't feel like writing him dramatic messages or e-mails telling him that I am slowly dying without him. I don't feel like calling him, crying and asking him to please come back. I feel like crawling away from the world and cry. Crying is all I can do right now. The moment I hung up the phone I started crying. Not just a few tears, but real pain coming from deep down inside. Tears that hurt. And I haven't stopped crying ever since. I didn't even know I could cry that much... and when I don't cry, I am just numb. At work I am just that shell of a person I am normally. It's like the earth is turning and my body moves with it, but my soul... my soul stayed at home, under the blankets, in the dark, overwhelmed by this pain. A pain that stings sometimes, that just flows over my whole body and a pain that never goes away...

What do you do when you don't want to be happy anymore, because getting down from that high is just too scary and too painful? What do you do when the man you love, stopped loving you back? What do you do when you can't tell him how you feel because the words get stuck in your throat and the only sound you can make is "OK" when he asks you how you are?

I am pain. I am hurting. And I don't want it to stop, because I am terrified that the day I stop being in pain, I'll just feel nothing...

The rain is falling... and so are my tears

I've been in Paris for a month and five days. In five days, it'll be three months since the first time me and my boyfriend met. Three months since that faithful night, when our eyes kept finding each other and the world stopped moving just for the moment of a glance. Three months. Somehow it seems like such a short period, and yet, I feel like I've been in this relationship for ages.

Thomas has been amazing. He was so sweet and charming when we met. Messaging me all the time. Wanting to skype 24 hours a day when I was abroad. Telling me he loved me and calling me his heart.

Funny enough these days are now over, and now is the time where I need them back the most.

I am away from him. Three nights every once in a while is all I have with him. Three small nights that are not enough. Three nights that barely get me through the day. He is fading away and the harder I try to keep him in my life the faster I see him disappear.

I know he works 18 hours a day. And I do understand that this means, that he doesn't have much time to miss me... but how about the fact that he never replies to my messages. The fact that I rarely get a chance to get him on the phone. Or that he never calls when he says he will.

I am struggling. I am struggling because I don't know if he still wants me in his life. I am struggling because it feels like he is just waiting for me to give up. To say I've had enough. It feels like he is waiting for an easy way out.

I know that I when I see him again, I should tell him about my insecurities. I should tell him that I cry, almost every day, because I am terrified of losing him. I should tell him to please let me go, if he doesn't feel the same way about me.

But every time I come home to him, I don't say anything. Not a word of how I feel or what I think. The time we have together is so little and so precious that I don't want to ruin it. But the problem is, not speaking doesn't mean he can't read that something is wrong in my actions and in my eyes. When he asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. And he asked again. And I said nothing. And then he said: Fine, suit yourself. Don't say I didn't ask.

I spent the night silently crying next to him... hurting... and it's my own fault.

I don't want to ruin anything. I am afraid that my past relationships have gotten me so paranoid that I read too much into everything and that I am freaking out about nothing.

But what if I am not... what if he is done... what if I am going to get my heart broken again...

How am I supposed to make it through the day?

Starting life

A new city. A new job. A new appartement. A new start.

Once again I start over. This time I don't know how long this episode of my life is going to last though. In the past I've always lived my life towards a certain date. The end of my college year or the end of my internship. Every date was always set in stone and I was able to make a countdown. Everything is different now. I graduated college and started my first job. I am officially a tax-payer now.

I live in Paris. The city of love. The city of romanticism. The city of beauty.

It's amazing to wake up in the morning and to be happy to go to work. I enjoy what I do, and I am so relieved that this is how I feel. Of course, sometimes it feels like a lot of hope and expectations lie on my shoulders, but that feelings passes, and I am able to take in every moment.

Everything is different when I come home though.

Moving away from my old life meant leaving my life as I know it behind as well. It meant leaving my friends behind and more painfully, leaving behind the man I am falling in love with.

Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. But don't they also say out of sight, out of mind?

I come home to an empty place every single day. And when days are rough, all I really long for is to lie on my couch, with my head on his lap, feeling like I can let it go, just for a moment. But I can't. I come home and all I can do is hear his voice on the phone. I thought with time, the distance would become easier. But it seems that with every day that goes by it just becomes harder.

I see him almost every two weeks. The separation isn't actually that long when you think about it. I keep telling myself that it helps us keep our space, hang with our friends and do our jobs, but the truth is that I want to spend every single night falling asleep in his arms and every single morning waking up with him next to me.

I had to choose my career over my love life. I guess that means becoming an adult. Taking responsibilities. Making choices. Looking at the future. I keep on asking myself if I made the right choice. I keep asking myself if it was worth all the tears I shed in secret.

As strong as I try to be, I am just a lonely girl in a big city trying to find her way.

548 kilometers

548 km. A 5 hours and 44 minutes car ride. A 3 hours and 39 minutes train ride. Those are the numbers I am looking at with a big lump in my throat. These numbers that are becoming the biggest obstacle in my life right now.

In the past I was wondering if the man I am falling in love with is just a rebound, but now, six weeks into this relationship, I am a hundred percent sure that he isn't.

Have you ever met someone and it just feels like you've known them your whole life? Me and Thomas we spend great moments together. His presence comforts me and I feel so safe. For the first time, I feel like I can rely on him. Like I can trust him. Like he will be there for me.

We spend the most amazing week together. Spending our days with each other and falling asleep in each others arms. I love waking up next to him.

And now I moved. 548 km away from the man I want to be with. So is it going to work out? Will I able to keep him close to me, even though a big distance is separating us?

I am terrified of losing him and never before has it been that hard to choose my career over my love life. Has the thought crossed my mind to just take his offer and move in with him? I can't say that it hasn't. Is it crazy? Most probably. Six weeks. It sounds like nothing. And yet for some reason, it felt so intense.

Things shouldn't be this easy, this comfortable, this obvious. But they are. And it scares me, to have to give it up. I know I won't mind the few hours in a train every week, if it means that we can spend a couple of days and nights together. All I am asking is for him to be able to accept it to. To be patient as well. I hope he can handle a long-distance relationship and understand that if we can get through this, we really can get through anything.

What's meant to be will always find its way.

I will find my way back to him. If he waits for me.

Rebound or real love?

Someone once told me that in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone else. I took that advice in a physical as well as psychological way. I engaged into a brand new relationship, right after the one I had broke into a million pieces. And to be honest, it is working quite well as long as I don't bump into my ex, and I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room.
This new guy, he is pretty amazing. We can talk about everything and nothing. Every moment we spend together is precious. We laugh all the time and his hugs make you close your eyes and forget about all the bad things in your life.
For the past three weeks I have enjoyed his company more than anything else in the world. And now I am leaving. 5 more days and I am gone. All this time I wonder, what if we would have met earlier? Would we have managed to stay together? And what am I supposed to do now?
I don't know if the feelings I have are just coming out of a broken heart or if I am actually genuinely falling in love. I don't think I know what love is anymore. I just know that when I am with him, I feel warm and safe. I feel like the world doesn't exist anymore and I could spend my night looking into his eyes.
My friend says I can't be alone and that I need to learn how to, before I can fall in love with someone. Maybe that is true. Maybe I can't fall in love with someone because even though I commit my heart to 99%, there is still that 1% that is missing to give it all. I know how it feels to get my heart broken and that is something I don't wish any of my enemies.
I wish I could close my eyes and see where I am ten years from now. I wish I could know that everything will be alright and that I will be happy. I wish I could be certain that something good is waiting for me in the future. Because I am terrified of never being able to give that 100% to someone. I am scared that I'll never be able to give my whole heart to another person. Because if I don't manage to do that, how am I supposed to fall in love again?

I love you, so please leave...

Why do people write blogs?
I personally do it because I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't want the man I love to know that the pain of losing him is making my whole body numb when I see him. I don't want him to know that every time I bump into him, every pore of my body longs for a touch. I don't want him to know that I don't know how I am supposed to make it through the day without him.
He is the one that messed up. He is the one that destroyed everything... and as much as I have been telling myself that I could just move on, it hasn't worked. Moving on without seeing him or having him around was so easy... it was like I could pretend he never entered my life. But these past few days it was like, everywhere I turned he was there. A rave. 5000 people. And yet we manage to constantly bump into each other. He said that every time he sees me his heart stops. And yet he found comfort in the embrace of someone else.
I don't know what to do. I want to close my eyes and wake up weeks ago, when my Saturday mornings would start in his arms. I want to close my eyes and feel the warmth of his body, smell his presence and hear his laugh.
But at the same time I want to hate him. I want him to suffer the way I do. I want his heart to ache like mine does. I want him to toss and turn feeling like he messed up the only good thing in his life.
Why is it that everyone I let into my heart ends up betraying me? Why is it so hard to just be happy?
Dear God, I know what I am asking for seems meaningless compared to the sufferings of the world, but I am praying to you, to please end my pain. I just need a break. All I want is a knock on the door and a hug from the man I love. I want to put my head on his shoulder and feel safe again. I am not asking you for love or for a perfect relationship. All I want is one night where the pieces just go back together and it doesn't feel like the world is spinning out of control.

I want to be safe. I want to be happy. I want him...

Easier said than done

I've told myself that this time would be different. I told myself that the day when I wake up and am not happy in my relationship anymore I would give up.
It seemed so realistic, so easy, so normal when I first thought of this... and yet I am having such a hard time implementing it.
Empty promises, unanswered phone calls and messages, lame excuses... that has been my daily routine for two weeks now. And yet I am still sticking around. Thinking if I should fight a little bit more even though it seems so obvious that in this case, leaving wouldn't mean giving up, it would be dumping all the unnecessary crap.
So why can't I do it? It could all be done in just a single phone call. One short sentence. It's over.
Every time something more gets added to the list. I say to myself: "This is it. I'm done. Screw him." And yet I don't tell him how I feel. I don't scream, shout, cry like I would like too.
I just stick around, quiet. Waiting for him to realize he misses me and needs me in his life. I know I can wait for a long time for this to happen, and I know I should have left long time ago.
I don't give up. Never. Only losers do that.
But what if in this case, it would be the smart thing to do? I am not happy, am constantly upset and am lying to myself, so why oh why can't I just leave him behind?

Never stop learning

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearted, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarassment you never gave up hope.

Watching life pass you by

In a couple of weeks I graduate college. Another milestone lies ahead of me and a big change comes with it. I start working. I start settling down. I grow up.

All around me my friends are becoming real-life adults. Getting pregnant, married, engaged or moving in together. It seems everyone has given their life a purpose outside of their career.

I always knew I wanted to become something big and having mentors around me telling me that I can, just enforced this feeling. But looking around me I feel like my priorities are somewhat wrong.

My whole life I have been wandering around, wondering what I wanted in love. I have been hurt and have hurt others and when I know look at my track record, I am a bit shocked on how many people have been part of my past.

Has it helped? Do I know what I want and what I don't? I guess I do. But I know now I always knew what that was, I just guess it is easier to have expectations than to find someone that fills them. I was so focused on being strong and unemotional because I thought that was what would help me reach my goal that I have let life pass me by. I believed that falling in love meant losing sight of where you wanted to go and that it would distract me from what is really important. I am very close to starting the first step to becoming successful, but unfortunately it very much feels like I will have to take that step all by myself.

There is someone in my life right now, but if he will be there with me through thick and thin is still questionable. I put a wall around my heart in order to protect myself from getting hurt. I know from my first love, that when you are in pain you lose sight of other things. Time freezes because your heart is breaking and your ears are ringing from the pain... but real time doesn't stop because you're dying inside. So I stopped feeling. I forbid myself from going to this dark place ever again. It is too painful. Too scary. Too distracting.

So now I have reached my goal. I am graduating. I am going to have my dream job. My first career move. But was it worth turning into an Ice Queen? Pretending I don't care about anything has led to people pushing me away, people that I was praying would stay with me for a long long time. I wanted to be loved so much that I didn't realize I wasn't allowing anyone to love me. I have turned into this statue of the perfect person, but inside I am empty.

So how do I stop being just a spectator and actually start living?

Scars

All of us have been hurt before, may it be physically or psychologically. We all have scars. But what is their purpose? I believe scars are here to make us remember where we have been... but they shouldn't dictate where it is we are going.

I have been applying the pattern of failure from my past relationships to every new relationship I had. Distrust, Panic, hidden jealousy... all this has been controlling how I behave and react with every new boyfriend that came into my life.

I've met someone. Its been a little over a month and for the first time I have managed to take it day by day. I stopped reading something into every single action that he takes and I don't expect anything, nor good nor bad from him, just because others treated me this way before him.

Maybe it will work out or maybe it won't. The difference now is that I will not come out of it a broken person.

I deserve to be loved. I know this now. It may have taken me a while to find my self-esteem again but now that I have it again, I see how unbelievably silly my past mistakes were and how nothing that has happened meant I wasn't worth it... it just wasn't meant to be.

I look back at the scars lost love has left on my heart and I am learning to cherish every single one of them. Getting them was a painful process that I will never forget, but I am acknowledging the fact that, even though there may have been bad times, there were also good times. There was happiness, laughter and joy. That is what I want to remember. And those are the times I want to live again.

So I am done applying all the negativity that I have accumulated and am now applying all the positiveness I can find into my new relationship.

All that matter is that I am happy. Right now, I am just happy. As long as that feeling lasts I don't have a reason to be paranoid. If one day I wake up and am no longer happy, than he wasn't the one and prince charming is still somewhere out there waiting for me to find him.

We all have a soulmate. Some of us find him more scared than others, but we all end up finding him.

I know I'm not easy to understand. I know I keep a lot inside and I know I'm not the easiest person to read, but that's okay, cause even though there's a lot about me you'll never know, there's a lot of me you can learn to love...

How to make a life-changing decision

When you are a kid the biggest decisions you have to make is: Chocolate, Vanilla or both?

But the older you get, the more your decisions have an impact on how your life will end up turning out.

I am graduating college in about four months. I can't believe time has passed by so fast and I am now facing the question: "What do I want to do for the rest of my life?" Worsening my situation is the fact that not only do I have to decide what area of expertise I want to enter but also where I want to live.

Europe, Asia, U.S.A.... the choice seems endless and every option holds different pro's and con's.

Should I go where the money is or where my friends and family are? Do I want to spend my life working insane hours and supporting a high-stress level just to get a fat pay-check every end of the month in a city full of strangers or would I rather do that surrounded by the people that have been there for me in my worst times even through time difference and thousands of miles separation?

I never thought I would end up having to choose between money and love... It is weird really. I never actually considered it to be this hard. My whole life has gone according to my plan. I finished high school, went to the college I wanted to go to, studied the course I wanted and everything has just been so brilliant. And now I feel like I am in front of a make or break moment. What happens if I make the wrong decision? What do you do when you regret what you have done but you can't take it back?

I am terrified of making the wrong choice. It's scary. It's intimidating. I just wish asking the magic 8-ball would be an appropriate thing to do... Just unfortunately, this one time, I don't think I'll be able to get myself out of this one. I will have to choose. No matter how long I put it off... my life will change this summer... so from now on it is the countdown to THE biggest decision I will ever have had to make!