Hurting

Pain. It's a funny thing really. Pain comes in all sorts of shapes. At all sorts of times. Sometimes stronger than others, sometimes it lasts longer than it usually does and sometimes it just feels like it's going to stay forever.

I'm hurting. Again. But this time is different.

Thomas was supposed to just be a rebound. He was supposed to get me over a broken heart. Too bad my heart wasn't broken when I met him. I was just terrified of being alone. He put sense back into my life. He gave me the confidence that had been taken away from me, through break-ups and silences. He showed me how it was to be in love again. And then he took it away.

"I don't know where my heart is right now, all I know is that it is not with me. My head is not in for a relationship right now and I hate myself because I don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If I were you, I'd be sick of myself." That's what he told me. That's what he told me when he decided he wanted to end this. And then he said that it's a bit sad, because we were pretty amazing together.

Pretty amazing. Yeah, I remember that part. I also remember the past weeks, where his silences have become longer and longer. I remember that I've been crying myself to sleep, knowing I am losing him and that there is nothing I can do to keep him close. And yet when he said those words that he'll never be able to take back it was like my world crumbled. I stopped breathing, only because it felt like a weight was sitting on my lungs and taking in air was too painful... He told me he still wanted me to come visit him whenever I wanted to. That he still wanted us to talk. That he still wanted me to be a part of his life.

What he doesn't understand is that I'm hurting. I don't think I felt this kind of pain in a long time. Oh yes, I've had heartaches... but this is different. This is not an ache. This is a real break. I thought he could actually be the one. As silly as it sounds. It was love at first sight. And I am so mad at myself for letting him in. For the first time I don't feel like writing him dramatic messages or e-mails telling him that I am slowly dying without him. I don't feel like calling him, crying and asking him to please come back. I feel like crawling away from the world and cry. Crying is all I can do right now. The moment I hung up the phone I started crying. Not just a few tears, but real pain coming from deep down inside. Tears that hurt. And I haven't stopped crying ever since. I didn't even know I could cry that much... and when I don't cry, I am just numb. At work I am just that shell of a person I am normally. It's like the earth is turning and my body moves with it, but my soul... my soul stayed at home, under the blankets, in the dark, overwhelmed by this pain. A pain that stings sometimes, that just flows over my whole body and a pain that never goes away...

What do you do when you don't want to be happy anymore, because getting down from that high is just too scary and too painful? What do you do when the man you love, stopped loving you back? What do you do when you can't tell him how you feel because the words get stuck in your throat and the only sound you can make is "OK" when he asks you how you are?

I am pain. I am hurting. And I don't want it to stop, because I am terrified that the day I stop being in pain, I'll just feel nothing...