Paranoia

"I am so sorry, but I don't know how to fix the shit I've done and you'll never know that I broke my own heart twice as much as yours."

I've made many mistakes in my life. Some of them I am definitely not proud of...
The worst thing about messing up, is actually the consequences it takes with it. Not only do you have to face the person you actually care for but you also have to, after all has been said and done, live with what you have done.

Many relationships fall apart because of human error. We make mistakes, we hurt the people we love, and worse... we hurt ourselves.

I always thought that the pain would eventually go away... I messed up, I have to live with the consequences. Little did I know, that not only do you have to live with the fact that you may have destroyed something great, no, on top of it, you actually becoming paranoid for your further relationships.

So paranoid that you don't even have to mess up to start thinking you did something wrong.

How many times has it happened that I start reading things into what my boyfriend does,how he acts, what he says... And the only question in my mind in that moment is "What did I do?".

Of course everyone always thinks the cheater is the one to be blamed and the cheated one should get all the sympathy... but when you think about it, the cheater is worse off.

Not only does he (in most of the cases) feel hurt because he lost someone dear to him but he also loses his self coincidence. The only question pondering in a cheaters head is "WHY? Why was I so stupid?"

Future relationships can only suffer from such a thinking... every single action is being read and analyzed. Every word is being weighed...

I am not saying forgive every cheater and show some sympathy I am just saying... people make mistakes, and if these people are your friends, you should have a shoulder for them to lean on, because no matter whose fault it is, getting hurt is never nice...

What's love?

Many times in my life I have confused drama and big theatre with love. Movies and soap operas polute our heads and make us think that real love has to be painful, dramatic and exciting all the time. If there are no tears, no slamming doors and no hurtful words then it is not real love.

It took me a long time to realise that this is not actually the case.

Unfortunately what we see on TV still influences our daily mind and there is no way we can go through the day not comparing ourselves and our relationships with what we see on television.
When I think of love I think of great, big feelings that are so overwhelming that they just need to burst out of me.

But real life is different. There is no screaming, no crying, no begging and forgiving. It is just daily life, how we live and breathe.

Me and my boyfriend usually spend 24 hours together when I am off work. We go to sleep together, wake up together, have breakfast together and so on...

But every now and then I wake up and start wondering if there is maybe more to love than this. I enjoy every single minute we spend together, no matter what we are doing but sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to be treated like I am the most important thing in the world..

What I want is actually pretty simple... Just a sticky note saying "I love you", or a daisy he found that morning laying on her pillow because its the little things that mean the most...

I am not saying my boyfriend doesn't show his affection for me. When we go out with our friends, I can feel him looking for my hand to put on his lap. I can see him eyeing suspciously at other guys. I can enjoy every kiss and hug...

But not always do actions speak louder than words. "I missed you" and "Honey" are such easy words to say, but somehow they never seem to come out of his mouth.

So what is love? What defines how much someone cares for you?

I guess different people just show their affection differently, and at the end of the day, no matter what I am missing somedays, I care for him because of who he is... not who I would like him to be.

When I grow up...

When I was a little girl I was dreaming of being a princess in a big castle with a big white horse. Same dream that every little girl has...

The older I got the more realistic my dream became but the main idea stayed the same... I wanted to find Prince Charming.

If you would ask me what his main strengths should be I would say: funny, good looking, affectionate, smart... all the things a girl looks for in a guy.

I have been thinking about ex-boyfriends I have had and I have come to the pathetic conclusion that I am no different than all the other silly girls walking around this world: We fall for assholes. We make lists with all the things our boyfriends should have, but we end up with the ones that have all the characteristics they should NOT have. And then we are surprised if it leaves us upset or/and heartbroken.

My own Mr. Big has made his reappearance into my life... and that is when I realised that for once I was actually happy and satifsfied with my current relationship.

Mr. Big is charming, good-looking, rich, a chronical cheater, newlywed and used to have me totally under control. I accepted everything from him, as long as he told me he needed me, that I couldn't leave him because he would be lost without me... but at the same time he would not give up his girlfriend (now wife) because he couldn't give up a long-lasting relationship in the wink of an eye.

He used to call me and I would fulfill his every command. Quite sad isn't it? But let's not fool ourselves, we all have had a man in our life that just had full control over us.

Now he is back. He is sending me messages. Wants to see me... NEEDS to see me. And quite honestly. I don't care anymore. I have stopped thinking like a grown-up fool, and went back to my girly childhood dreams of Prince Charming.

N is my Prince Charming right now... he makes me laugh and whenever I am around him I feel giggly... He doesn't take me out to fancy dinners or makes me expensive gifts, but I have lost him once before thinking that this was the type of relationship I needed. I know better now. What I need is his attention. The fact that when we fall asleep next to each other he holds me in his arms and whenever I move away he adjusts in such a way, that we are cuddling the whole night through. I am happy because he makes me laugh, he holds my hand and he wants to be a part of my life...

I know now what I want and what I need and finally they match... I don't need fancy cars, VIP tables in clubs and expensive dinners... all I need is someone that gives me the sense of being home even though my family and friends are far away. N gives me that. And that is more than money can ever buy me...

Finally Happy

For the first time since God knows when I am genuinely happy... I am satisfied with my life right now and just enjoy it.

Of course, work is not exactly my favorite pass time but it is an internship and this is definitely not the position I will have once my studies are completely done and finished with. More important than work right now is my social life though. In the last few years my professional career has been going great. I graduated my first diploma with honors and top of my class... I worked at prestigious five star hotels in Paris and Geneva... but my private life has been suffering from long working hours, difficult holiday planning and me moving every six months.

But now it seems everything is falling into place... at least for a few months. What is going to happen after that, no one knows.

It has been the longest time since I have been in a relationship in which I was happy. Me and N are back together. After a few weeks of hardship and separation due to a stupid decision I made, our paths finally managed to meet again and everything went back to the way it used to be. Or at least sort of. Of course, whatever has led to our separation cannot be forgotten, and the pain that has been caused remains somewhere in the back of our minds, but right now we are just enjoying being close to each other. We laugh, breathe, eat and sleep together as often as we can.I am happy because when we are separated I don't need to worry about who is with and what he is doing. I don't worry that one day I won't be able to reach him or that he wouldn't want to see me. I don't worry about anything. When we are together, we are together... and even when a few kilometers separate us for a few days, I still feel that sense of together-ness. This is what I needed and what has been missing in the past... I can finally recharge my batteries with some love and affection. No drama, no fights, no tears... just fun, relaxation and affection.