Giving up

I give up... I'm tired.

I'm so lonely and I am so lost. I can't listen to a sad song anymore without bursting into tears. I am an emotional wreck and I want it to stop.

I want all the pain to just go away.

I can't go on and look for love anymore. I keep on searching, I keep on hoping and I keep on losing. I am tired. I have no more energy to spare. 

Why can't it just work out. Just this once. And just for a while. Just long enough for me to get some energy back. Because right now I am drained. I fight and I fight... and now I give up.

Does that make me weak? Does that mean I don't care?

It doesn't matter... All I know is that I have reached a point where there is just no going forward anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with someone who cares for me and loves me. A used to say: "You're my princess. I will give you the world." And what do I have now? Sad songs and many many tears.

Why can't a person, just this once, mean what they say and not disappoint me. Why can't I just get some happiness. 

I am giving up. I have lost faith. I don't want to search anymore... or better, I can't. 

So what do I do know? Wait for better days? 

I have no clue... all I know is that I am not a patient person and whatever is going on in my life right now better get back on track soon or else I will go mad. 

He loves me... he loves me not

What is love? We all believe we found it at one point in our lives... or several.

When I think about my first big love I think of the first serious relationship I had. One and half years of ups and downs. One and half years of tears, laughter, pain and happiness.

How do I know it was really love? Is it the fact that I forgave everything? The lies, the cheating, the constant break-ups... Or is it the fact that I always fought for him? No matter what he did I found ways to get him to come back to me.  

Do I think I loved him because until now I talk to him everytime I am back in town, and everytime I wonder what would actually happen if we got back together. Or did I never love him...

We all confuse being addicted to someone with love at some point in our lives.

It's like a drug we can't get rid off. We are dependent and no matter what we do, we can't get rid of this strong attraction. 

Until now I don't know why I put up with everything he did. I always wonder what would have happened if I would have given up when we had the first fight, the first break-up, the first lies and the first cheating. Would I be less damaged? Would it be easier for me to fall for someone, if the one person I needed to love me back would have actually managed to get his feelings right and give me what I deserve?

I will never know. All I know is that like everyone I am addicted to love. I am afraid to be alone and I was never single for a long time. And even though I want to fall head over heels for someone I keep my guards up. I make wrong choices, I break peoples hearts and I repeat the painful things that have been done to me and I end up alone and sad.

I wish my past would not affect my future and I would base all my decisions on my present. But I am a burned child and even though the wounds have healed a long time ago, the scars they left  behind still make me ugly, and scare people away when they get to me know me better and discover them.

I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned from the past... but I wan't to forgive. Because until now, I haven't forgiven the person that has burned me... and as long as I can't let go, I am hurting the people around me. 

There is a quote that has been dominating my life for a long time now: "Have you ever hurt anyone you love in such a way that doesn't seem like you? But then you can't go back and make it different? It's the kind of pain you can't even imagine..."

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore... I want to be happy and for that I need to trust again.

I need the person that I loved to tell me that they are sorry... but since this will never happen, I need to forgive and forget. I have been stuck in the same spot for two years. I need to move on and stop expecting everyone to be the same at the end of the day, because by doing that, I push them into a corner in which they have no way to get out but by hurting me.

I want to be happy. I want to fall in love... and I want to get close to the sun without getting burned.

Tears are the words the heart can't express

My boyfriend didn't call today.

He didn't message, didn't send me an e-mail and did not call.

He never does that normally. Even when we are just 200 meters away from each other for a day, because I am in class and he is working, I get a message asking me what I am doing or telling me at what time he will be home or how he feels.

Today... nothing.

I don't know how I feel about this. There was a time a few days ago where I was sure that this relationship was over. That maybe we were just meant to be friends and I should just enjoy my life with whoever and whatever comes with it.

Then I remember the way he smells, or the way we lie in bed and look into each other's eyes. These moments are special. The magic is somehow in the air... but these moments are becoming fewer and fewer and I don't know how to get them back.

I am not a fighter. I give up and walk away before leaving becomes to painful.

I think I love him, I think he could love me... and I also think it is too late for us to be happy together. Too much has been left unsaid. Too much stands between us two. We know what it is, but both of us are scared to say it out loud.

So we keep it inside us. Keep it far away from where it could break our hearts and just wait... wait for us to wake up one morning feeling too tired to continue, too exhausted to fight anymore... We wait until there is nothing left too said and we are just two strangers that have missed their chance on being happy together...

Influences

Our whole life we make choices according to other peoples opinion. 

When we are children we decide what we should do because of what our parents tell us. We either choose to follow the rules or to break them but either way we base our decisions depending on how they would react.

Then we grow up and are under the influence of peer-pressure. We do what we can to stay "cool" and shape our wants and needs according to the wishes of the group.

So how do we know that how we act or react is because of our own desires. How do we know that we don't react to group image and base our decisions on what is really the best for us...

How can I know that I am making the right choice if I don't even know what I want and what I am doing to make other people happy.

Who am I making decision for? My parents, my friends... or myself?

Being influenced is not necessarily bad... or is it?

How many times have we made decisions that did not follow the regular routine? How many times have we decided against something even though deep down we actually wanted to do it but our friends veto-ed against...

All my life has been influenced by who I live with and who I want to become, that I completely forgot who I am.

Who am I? Who are we when we listen to only ourselves?

I think it is time for me to fine-tune my real desires and figure out what kind of person I really want to be.

Making the right choice

I have a boyfriend that I adore. When I am with him I can feel like I can be just me. I don't need to look perfect at all times, we can goof around, we can have romantic moments and we can look into each others eyes and feel like the whole world just stops turning for a few moments.

I am twenty and I think I am falling in love with him.

My whole life I was wondering how it feels to have that one special someone in my life. The one that you just enjoy being with... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The one person that makes you feel like you don't need anyone else but him.

I found that person. N gives me everything I need. He understands me, makes me laugh and we have the best time together. Why can I never be happy with what I have?

I met a guy a few weeks back. A is not bad looking, filthy rich and loves taking me out to dinner or shopping. He is the kind of guy a girl can really "use" if she is a bitch.

Who doesn't want to have a boyfriend like this? He takes you on holidays, makes you feel like a princess, shows you the world and pampers you the way you deserve it.

But when I am with him I feel like I need to be perfect. My hair has to look a certain way, my make-up has to be right, I have to watch how I talk and I would never lie on his couch in my jogging pants watching a silly girl movie.

So how do you make a choice? Should you be with the guy with whom you can be just you or should you be with the guy that can make all your wildest dreams come true?

I am twenty... I am not supposed to have my one big love hit me right now... I still have a few years before I have to settle down.

But what if I give away what I have now because I am greedy and always want more? What if I make the wrong choice and end up losing?

I am confused. I am lost. I don't know where to stand and what to do.