Asking questions is hard, because the truth is not always what we want to hear...

I met a guy. He's great. We get along perfectly. We're friends. We're lovers. I am happy.

But as usual, whenever everything goes right, I stress out... I look for that one thing that could make it all go wrong.

Whenever I am in a relationship, I try so hard to be perfect. I never complain, I do whatever my partner wants to do, I don't bitch, I don't act jealous, I pretend I am not moody even when I am... I try to be the perfect person and usually when it's too late I realise that I've been acting like a robot that has no feelings, no opinion and no desires.

I know the guy I am dating is getting messages from his ex-girlfriend. I know he used to not reply to them. I know he replies to them now and is tense after he did. I know she is miles and miles away on a different continent. Those are the things I know. Those are the ONLY things I know.

But then there is the stuff I read between the lines or that I basically just invent. She is still hung up on him. She was the love of his life. He loves her but can't be with her because of the distance. I'll never be as good as her.... all these things that I have no clue about but I still live like they are real.

Any normal person would just go and ASK. Ask what is going on, who that girl is, what's the history behind it. Not only because the answer is probably less harmful than thinking about all types of weird scenarios but also because it is probably only in my head...

And if it's not... Well, I should know, shouldn't I. I should know if it's worth investing myself into it or if it's better to let it go before I end up getting more hurt. No one wants to know the truth because we are terrified that it will not be nice to hear. But sometimes, just sometimes it is actually relieving news. It takes a weight off our chest.

I lost hope in a perfect love a long time ago. I consider myself unlucky and an expert in unsuccessful relationship. And at the same time I am thinking that it is time for me to be happy again.

So if I don't ask any questions, how can I expect to receive the answers I want to hear?

Soul-broken

All the romantic movies we watch and all the heart-tearing books we read, always talk about the same thing. A lost love, a broken heart. But no one ever talks about the real pain... The pain of losing a friend.

I didn't know it before either, but now that it has happened to me I understand, that losing a lover breaks your heart, but losing a friend breaks your soul.

Losing in love is no easy task... but with time, hearts mend. You forgive and move on. You find love in someone else and replace what has been.

But when your friend gives up on you and walks away, something inside you dies. A part of your soul. And maybe you'll learn from the mistake you've made and maybe you will move on, but I don't think that this kind of pain will ever go away... I don't think that time can heal your soul. Sometimes people hurt the ones they care for deeper than they expected. I know I did. I never meant for it to happen but in the heat of madness I said words that I will never be able to take back. I've hurt someone I care for, without wanting to...

Hearts can mend. You never forget the people who hurt it, but with time, eventually you feel better. You learn from the mistakes you've made... but how to you learn how to live without your best friend?

The more I try to fix things, the worse I make it. Different people have different ways of dealing with betrayal, and yes, my best friend thinks I have betrayed him by saying the things I've said. Obviously his way of healing is to be alone, far away from me and my excuses.

I guess pretending he doesn't notice how we are drifting so far apart, is better for him. Pretending he doesn't know that we will eventually reach a point where no matter what we do, we'll be too distant from each other to fix things again, is his way to feel better.

But I am stubborn, always have and always will be... So I try to apologize over and over and over again.

I've tried to mend the broken pieces, but I feel like the more I try to fix it, the worse I make things. I hurt him. I apologize. And I get mad when won't accept my words...

When he told me it always had to be my way or the highway, and that right now he just didn't feel me anymore, it hurt. We're not on the same level and we are not connecting like we used to. And now, for once, I'll stop being so stubborn and give him space to breathe. For his sake, for my sake... but really, for the sake of our friendship.

The harder I push, the further he drifts away... And he is far away enough already. I can't afford for him to hate me even more than he already does.

My heart has been broken many times, and sometimes I really didn't think I would be able to fix it again and the pain... the pain was so overwhelming sometimes that I didn't think it would ever go away again.

If that is how I feel when my heart gets broken, what happens when my soul does?

Sorry is never enough

"You suck as a friend", "Fuck you", "I don't need you!!"... Those are only a few of the things I've said to my best friend six weeks ago. Six weeks that I have been spending trying to apologize and make him forgive me for those hurtful words I pronounced.

My best friend and me met in college. It was his last year and the beginning of my second... He was this arrogant jock whose big mouth and quick comebacks made everyone fear him. There was no in-between with Alex. You were either friends or not... He's not the type of guy that will hang out with you and listen to you just to be polite. He won't tell you everything is going to be okay when it clearly won't be. And he sure as hell won't make everything look peachy for you, just because you are sad and want someone to pretend all is pretty and shiny.

Alex is honest. He isn't scared of telling you the truth. Some might say this means he doesn't love you or doesn't care that his words might hurt you. But I know Alex. No matter how hurtful the truth is, he knows that worse than that is the feeling of being lied to. He was my best friend. He would always help me when I asked for advice and he was always there when I needed him to be... and trust me, that happened quite often.

Alex has a theory about friends. He thinks that from all the "friends" you have there are these 10%. These people are your real friends, something like family. These are the people you can trust and keep close to yourself without having to be afraid they will eventually hurt you.

But as you can see... I said Alex WAS my best friend. I messed up big time. And it seems that I can't find a way to make it alright again. I was in a dark place from which Alex tried to pull me out, but I guess I just had gotten to this place where I needed to be left alone. Where any advice was wrong advice, and where the truth was more than just unwelcome.

Alex was there, like he always is. Showing me clearly why things had gone wrong and basically explaining to me that the only way I could fix my life was to change... He was telling me that the reason I felt so bad, is because I didn't like the person in the mirror.

Now, six weeks later. After I have been threw a thorough self-analysis, I know he was right. But I guess it's too late. He doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't want to be part of my dramatic life anymore, even though I have been trying to erase all the drama from it.

In the process of finding myself again, I lost a friend. Someone I really care for and that I truly love. And now I just wonder, was it worth it? Was saving myself worth losing him?

I don't know... I guess sometimes you need to make sacrifices... I just wished it wouldn't have to be Alex. I miss him. All the time. Constantly. And I just want him to know that I'll always be there for him and he will always be in my heart. He is part of my 10% people... no matter how far away from each other we are, or how distant we have become.