Look at me

I always thought the worst way you can hurt someone is by cheating on them. Having cheated and been cheated on, I know what pain you can cause by doing something like that...

I am what some people could call a pretty girl and I do like to wear shorts skirts and nice dresses. Without wanting to brag, but getting attention is something I enjoy... most of the time. Of course, just like celebrities, not being able to just go to the groceries without getting a stupid comment from a guy crossing your path is not exactly the most enjoyable moment...

But that is not what this is about. I was walking to work today when this handsome man caught my attention, and apparently I caught his. He called me fabulous, beautiful, perfect... all the things a girl just loves to hear. And for a weird reason, hearing them made me feel incredibly weird.

All this time I have been trying to figure out what this feeling was and I realised, I feel sad. Upset. I want to cry. And why? Because my boyfriend doesn't see me. Or at least it feels that way. Of course I can tell he is physically attracted to me, of course I see the effects different pieces of clothing have on him... but he doesn't look at me and tells me I'm pretty. And even though sometimes I feel like I can read it in his eyes not hearing it hurts. Five months and no compliments so far. Not a single one.

People say actions speak louder than words. So I should appreciate it when he holds me in his arms and looks me in the eyes like we are the only two people in the world. And don't get me wrong, I do. I appreciate it very much and it always makes my heart melt. But when I tell him I miss him, and he doesn't answer back it hurts. When I don't see him for 3 weeks and I don't get a single sweet word it doesn't feel like I am his girlfriend anymore, but more like I am his friend.

I guess the part that hurts is not that he doesn't see me... but maybe it is the fact that I know I am falling in love and it sure feels like he is not...

Because life is an ugly awful place to not have a best friend

I met my best friends new boyfriend last night.

She has been talking about him non-stop since they have started seeing each other. She isn't the big romantic "fall-head-over-heels" type of girl so I was actually quite surprised to see her fall for someone so fast and so hard.
She has had relationships in the past, some good, some bad and all of them have thought her that life can sometimes be a bitch and the best way to protect yourself is to expect nothing. Live the moment. Be realistic. Don't make excuses for things that shouldn't be excused.

I love my best friend. We are similar in so many ways and as a friend you always want the people you care for to be happy... no matter how you feel about this.

The first thing she told me when I saw her last night was: "Please be nice... I really really really like this guy". I am generally not a mean person... but I've been known to be a bitch and I do have some good comebacks. Yes, I speak before I think and I do not let people push me around. But hey, obviously I was going to be nice, what did she expect?

Its weird when your single best friend starts dating someone. It is a little bit like jealousy because now she has someone else to spend more time with and obviously our patterns are going to change. You never actually realise how it must feel until you experience it yourself.

I never understood why my friends pulled a bit away from me when I started dating my boyfriend... and now I understand that I was actually the one moving away from then, and by blaming them for my behaviour I just pushed them away even further.

Meeting the new guy was no easy task... I am a loud mouth and sarcasm is my second language and unfortunately for my best friend so is his.

I am not going to say that I am his biggest fan, but at the same time I am not going to say that I don't like him. I don't know him the way she does. I don't know how he is with people he knows... maybe his big mouth is just a protection against strangers and there judgment towards him. Time will tell what kind of person he is.

I am her friend and I love her. And all I want is for her to be as happy as she deserves and if he gives that to her that I will accept him. I am not here to judge and I am not here to tell her what decisions to make. She has always had my back, no matter what idiot I let into my heart or what misjudgment I made...

My job as a best friend, friend, or partner in crime is not to tell her what to do or who to love... I just have to be happy for her when she is happy.

And when she is sad, upset or mad I will back her up. Make her feel better, and if necessary, break someones nose for making her feel this way.

Meeting the "New" Girl

Last night when I went out I accidentally bumped into one of my ex-boyfriends.... and his new girlfriend.

We have been broken up for ages and we don't have any hard feelings towards each other. I am happy in my new relationship and haven't actually thought about him in a really long time.
But... and yes there is a but, it still felt very weird meeting his new girlfriend.

It's not that I am jealous seeing him in a new relationship and I can in full honesty say that I am in no way attracted to him anymore, but the moment he introduced her to me I started comparing.

So she has brown eyes and is about the same size as me... I see he hasn't changed his hunting pattern... but then you start wondering if he also buys her flowers every now and then to surprise her, does he also imitate voices to her when she is sad... does he cuddle the same way he has with you and does he feel the same way when they kiss.

All these questions haunt your head and at the end of the day it all sums up to one question "Is she better than me?"

Relationships don't work out for many reasons, but the main one is just that you weren't meant to be together. Of course admitting that it just wasn't supposed to be is no easy task when you have spent days and nights crying and wondering what you could have done differently to keep him close to you.

I adore my boyfriend. I think he cares about me and I never worry about his sincerity towards me. And yet, when I saw my ex-boyfriend new girlfriend I wondered: "If I would have bitten my lip the way she does and if I would have touched his arms just like she does would he have stayed? Could we be celebrating our anniversary if I would have flicked my hair like that, or batted my eyelashes like this?" Stupid questions. Questions that don't even matter.

But then he said something that caught me off track: "We are getting married".

It's not that I want to get married right in this instant, and I am a hundred percent sure that he is definitely not the man I wanted to spent the rest of my life with but still... this permanent question is haunting my head "Why her and not me? Why was I not good enough?"

I do believe it is a matter of self confidence and I do believe that all women dread the moment they have to meet the girl that is loving the man you used to fall asleep next to...

But when my phone rang and I saw my boyfriends name on my phone, I suddenly didn't care anymore. Thank God I wasn't good enough, because now I have someone a million times better.
One thing is for sure, it is much easier meeting the "New Girl" when you have found a "New better boy" long before!!!

Opposits attract... but do they really?

Every human being has needs, the need to be loved is one of them...

The saying has it that opposits attract but I actually believe that this only applies for magnets, not humans.

If you are a party animal and your partner a couch potatoe, please tell me how you two are going to make it past the first few weeks. Of course in the beginning you adapt yourself to your partner. You just got together. Everything is fresh and new. No need to get into stupid fights about afternoon hobbies just yet... there will be plenty of time for that later.

My boyfriend and me are quite similar when it comes to that matter... I like to stay home somedays, but I also like to go all out and party like a rockstar from time to time. We are almost in perfect harmony with each other. Obviously, we don't always agree on what the plans for the evening are, but we both compromise with each other. One time he decides, one time I decide. It's a give and take.

But there is one thing that is slightly bothering me... I am a very emotional person. I am loud, dramatic and I have a book full of love quotes. I want big proofs of love, I want fights, tears and gifts. I want signs of affection and messages that are so cheesy it makes outsiders want to barf. I want to receive flowers and go on dates...

My boyfriend cares for me, I have no doubts about that... but he is not the type to spontaneously bring me something that reminded him of me when he saw it... he doesn't take me out on romantic dates and he is surely not one to blurt out his feelings in front of the whole wide world, or even in front of him.

So what now? The question is always, how much of yourself should you be giving up for the one you are with. And if you need to change, adapt, does that eventually mean you aren't supposed to be together?

I don't think so... I wouldn't want to date someone identical to me. All the interesting mystery would be gone if I could predict everything.

So I compromise... I take him out on dates, send him silly sweet corny bumper stickers and blog about him so the whole world knows I care.

Opposites are not what attracted me to him... it's his whole person: the characterstics that resemble me, and the ones that don't all. He is the calming pole when I am going all crazy and nervous about something that isn't even worth bothering about, he is my laughter when I am in the worst mood, and he is my shoulder to lean on when once again I think that the whole world is against me.

Those are the opposites that I definitely need in him and adore him for.