4 years.... that's how long since I've known my Mr. Big. Charming, gorgeous, rich... a jetsetter, a party king, a social butterfly swooping in and out of my life, leaving me behind a little more damaged every time he leaves...
Every time my heart breaks because I've been foolish enough to trust him I tell myself this is the last time. I keep telling myself the same mantra "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I don't even know how many times he has fooled me and yet I keep doing the same mistake over and over again.
My friend posted a quote on Facebook a couple of days ago and when I read it, it just felt so ironic because it was speaking right at me: "You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time, it's not a mistake, it's a choice".
I choose to forgive him. I choose to let him back into my life. I choose not to let anyone else in because I still believe that eventually we'll be together forever.
I am 23 years old and I've stood by him through a divorce from a cheating, gold-digging wife, stood by him when his stalker ex-girlfriend made his life miserable, stood by him when his family forced him into a life he didn't want and was unhappy in, stood by him when he was so confused and couldn't find the right path, stood by him when he told me that he never loved me and that I was just a mistake, a second choice... And I've forgiven everything without him even apologizing for any of it. All he had to do was come back into my life after I had done all I could to finally move on.
And all it took was one single night in his arms. We slept so peacefully, our bodies in perfect harmony, moving in our sleep in order to be as close to each other as possible. Waking up to him saying "I love you baby" was enough to make all the bad go away. Or so I thought.
I love him. Oh lord knows I do. And every moment that passes, I wish I didn't. Because loving him is just so damn painful. Being pulled and pushed around like I'm some unbreakable toy has taken its toll on me and I'm not sure how to brave tomorrow.
Every day is a struggle. Every breath I take makes me feel like I'm about to suffocate.
And every time I reach the bottom and tell myself no more. No more lies. No more hopes. No more dreams of him and me and a future. He comes back. Says I'm the woman he wants to have a family with. Says I was the always THE one. Sometimes he has these glimpses where he realizes what I've been through for him and how much I love him. Those moments give me hope that maybe it'll be enough for us to be happy. But it is not.
Today he asked me why I loved him. I didn't know what to say. Because I don't have any reason to love him. He never did anything to deserve my love. He never did anything to deserve me. And yet here I am, hurting just like I've been hurting for the past 4 years. And I don't know if I can take much more...
I tired of making the same choices over and over again and telling myself, oh well, it was a mistake, better luck next time. But it is no mistake. It is a choice. And I really really hope, that with time I'll eventually learn how to make the right choice.
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