I love you, so please leave...

Why do people write blogs?
I personally do it because I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't want the man I love to know that the pain of losing him is making my whole body numb when I see him. I don't want him to know that every time I bump into him, every pore of my body longs for a touch. I don't want him to know that I don't know how I am supposed to make it through the day without him.
He is the one that messed up. He is the one that destroyed everything... and as much as I have been telling myself that I could just move on, it hasn't worked. Moving on without seeing him or having him around was so easy... it was like I could pretend he never entered my life. But these past few days it was like, everywhere I turned he was there. A rave. 5000 people. And yet we manage to constantly bump into each other. He said that every time he sees me his heart stops. And yet he found comfort in the embrace of someone else.
I don't know what to do. I want to close my eyes and wake up weeks ago, when my Saturday mornings would start in his arms. I want to close my eyes and feel the warmth of his body, smell his presence and hear his laugh.
But at the same time I want to hate him. I want him to suffer the way I do. I want his heart to ache like mine does. I want him to toss and turn feeling like he messed up the only good thing in his life.
Why is it that everyone I let into my heart ends up betraying me? Why is it so hard to just be happy?
Dear God, I know what I am asking for seems meaningless compared to the sufferings of the world, but I am praying to you, to please end my pain. I just need a break. All I want is a knock on the door and a hug from the man I love. I want to put my head on his shoulder and feel safe again. I am not asking you for love or for a perfect relationship. All I want is one night where the pieces just go back together and it doesn't feel like the world is spinning out of control.

I want to be safe. I want to be happy. I want him...

Easier said than done

I've told myself that this time would be different. I told myself that the day when I wake up and am not happy in my relationship anymore I would give up.
It seemed so realistic, so easy, so normal when I first thought of this... and yet I am having such a hard time implementing it.
Empty promises, unanswered phone calls and messages, lame excuses... that has been my daily routine for two weeks now. And yet I am still sticking around. Thinking if I should fight a little bit more even though it seems so obvious that in this case, leaving wouldn't mean giving up, it would be dumping all the unnecessary crap.
So why can't I do it? It could all be done in just a single phone call. One short sentence. It's over.
Every time something more gets added to the list. I say to myself: "This is it. I'm done. Screw him." And yet I don't tell him how I feel. I don't scream, shout, cry like I would like too.
I just stick around, quiet. Waiting for him to realize he misses me and needs me in his life. I know I can wait for a long time for this to happen, and I know I should have left long time ago.
I don't give up. Never. Only losers do that.
But what if in this case, it would be the smart thing to do? I am not happy, am constantly upset and am lying to myself, so why oh why can't I just leave him behind?

Never stop learning

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearted, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarassment you never gave up hope.