Birthday Gift

Turning twenty is a big thing. It is a new milestone. A new chapter of my life. Well, that's what they say. 

But what is a birthday without a birthday gift. This year, I got a gift that can not be compared to anything else. For the first time in my life I received an original designer bag. And living in Paris, there can be only one designer: Louis Vuitton. 

I worship brands. How can I not? I work in the most famous palace of Paris. The Ritz. I see girls with gucci bags, Louboutin shoes, Louis Vuitton wallets and Paule Ka dresses. I live like a kid in a candy store that has parents hovering around her forbidding her to eat one of those sweet candies. 

I see all those beautiful things, but none of them I can have. 

The jewelry, the brands and everything else, it is blinding. And it keeps you longing. It may be superficial but seeing all this richness around yourself twenty four hours a day makes you hate the fact that at the end of the month your bank account is way to close to the zero for you to be able to afford the things you would like. 

But not this time. This time for one small moment I felt like them. My dad bought me a Louis Vuitton Tate bag for close to 800€. And I love it. 

Happy Birthday to me!

Turning 20

It was my birthday last week...

I finally got out of the teen years and started with the big "2". I am now twenty. 

I don't know how I feel about it. Everyone tells me the best years of my life are now. But I hope not. My love life is a desaster and my best friends live thousand miles away. The only thing working out is my job... which is basically the only thing that should not be falling into place in my young years. 

I can't be a kid anymore. I have to take my responsabilities, I have to work and become independent. That's what everyone says. But the weird thing is that I have done already. I have a job that I love and I am good at what I do. What else could I wish for? My boss is offering me a job, I can even choose what I want to do. Isn't that amazing?

And yet, I still feel empty. Like there is something missing. A boyfriend that cares or better, that is able to show he cares. And a best friend to whose house I can go when I feel depressed and all I want to do is listen to sad love songs and drink a nice bottle of red wine.

It was my birthday last week... And a new chapter is supposed to start in my life now. I just don't know how to begin with it.

Chosing between mistress and unhappy girlfriend

My love life is terrible. Amor hates me. He does. I am sure he does. 

I don't even know where to start...

My boyfriend or my ex-boyfriend or whatever we are is calling me telling me we are still together, that when we broke up, he was just mad at me, that he didn't actually mean it. He tells me that we can make this right again. Make our relationship right again. The only thing he wants to know is if I was faithful. What am I supposed to say? I was faithful for all the time we were together but I slept with someone else the day we broke up. Or better, the day I THOUGHT we broke up, but now apparently I thought wrong. So what should I tell the man I actually love? I slept with another guy a few hours after my boyfriend left me... or after I thought he left me because I thought it would numb the pain. How am I supposed to tell him that without him leaving me once and for all? But that's not enough. On top of it, he started his old habits of not calling nor texting. He is doing all those things that drive me crazy and I don't know if I want to be with him. 

And there is the guy I slept with to numb the pain. We went on dates, we had sex, we get along great and I feel comfortable around him. He is good-looking and he is rich... and I found out he has a girlfriend. No, I didn't find out in a dramatic kind of way. He told me. He was completely and fully honest with me. And I would have been okay with it, if he hadn't said: "I don't want this thing between us to end. I want everything to stay the same. I want us to continue seeing each other. I like you and I want to be with you, but I can't flush down five years of relationship down the toilet." How does that make any sense? How can you be with two persons at the same time? How can he tell me he has a girlfriend and think it won't change our relationship? 

And then comes the lucky third. A friend. Someone I talk to about everything and nothing. Someone that gets me, someone that I can laugh with and that just makes me feel good. And then he kissed me. He kissed me and ruined everything. Because like all the good men I meet in my life, he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he won't leave. But of course he tells me: "I want to be with you. I want us to go on dates and go on walk, I want to spend time with you and I want us to be together." And I can't. I am not a bad person. I don't destroy relationships. I am not selfish like that. And it would destroy me.

With either guy I would not be able to make it. I would pretend their girlfriends are some bitches, that don't deserve them and try to get rid of the guilt. And I would tell myself not to develop any feelings for them. But I would end up falling in love. And I would end up hurt. And I would end up alone. So I don't know what to do... because the men who pay me so much attention have girlfriends to come home to, they have girlfriends they call and that lie in bed with them at night when they feel lonely. The good men, the ones with whom a relationship would be what its supposed to be are taken already. 

And the one I am together with, takes me for granted... So tell me, how does that make any sense? Any sense at all... and tell me, how is this fair? Because for all I know, it's not... there is no good choice in this. The only right thing is apparently being alone... and I can't do that.

Lost

My boyfriend and me broke up after only five months of relationship.

It's been a week today since we said those words that would change everything. 

The first five days of our separation I managed to ignore these feelings that were inside me. How? I was going on dates with a rich, fabolous, nice and absolutely gorgeous guy, that made me feel like I was finally in some sort of "in-crowd". We would drive to the front of the best restaurants in Paris, I would get out of the Mustang after the valet opened the door for me and feel like I was somekind of superstar. Everyone is staring at you, because you are cutting the line and the bouncer is giving you a knowing look. You order without caring how much it costs and drink the best wine and champagne. It's a great feeling. 

Ignoring a heartbreak is easy, when you don't have to fall asleep alone, and when you wake up with the smell of a nice breakfast waiting for you in a condo that has the size of a house in the most expensive part of Paris. But every rich man has a job. And usually that job takes up many hours. So my "ego-booster" flew off to New York for business for a week and my ex-boyfriend couldn't have chosen a more perfect time to find his way back into my life.

I didn't call after we broke up. I didn't write. I didn't cry and I wasn't upset. And I was so proud of myself. 

But the first night I was alone at home looking around and seeing his t-shirt on my bed, because that's what I use as a pyjama, and the pictures of us on the wall, it suddenly hit me that all this was gone. That everything I was so afraid off had happened... again. And then the pain hit. In one big stomp, determined to destroy me. That's when the phone rang... an unknown number. Who was I to know, that my pain was to go away in just a few seconds. A familiar voice on the other side saying those words I so wanted to hear: "Hey baby, what's up? Have you forgotten about your boyfriend already? I miss you." All these things I had been longing to hear for months I was hearing at the most unlikely moment. I was so shocked that I didn't have ask him: "Are you crazy? Did you forget we broke up? What are you talking about?" He was actually arguing with me, telling me that I didn't care, that I hadn't called in a week. And I was apologizing. Defending myself... And now I am back where I was before, waiting for him to call after he promised he would. I called and asked him to call me back and he said he would right away... that's been over a day ago.

I don't understand. Does he or does he not want me? Why does he have to make me suffer so much? Why can't he just love me? I don't know where I stand and what we are. All I know is, I'm in pain... once again. And the worst part is, because of a guy that I am not even sure I am together with.