
My last blog entry dates from March 31st... When I read it, it feels like a lifetime ago. The old saying, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, still applies. Paris was a synonym for my Mr. Big for 4 years. I never found love in this city, because I was one hundred percent sure, that I would only find it in the arms of Mr. Big. 4 years of lies, stupid fights, and waiting... waiting for him to change, waiting for him to stop the games, waiting for him to be the man I wanted him to be.
When Mr. Big finally came back to me, I had found someone who was a real confidence boost for my broken ego. I had found someone that I loved hanging around with and that I was completely comfortable with. I could hang around in my sweatpants and still feel sexy and desirable, because I could see in his eyes, that it didn't matter what I wore, he still found me beautiful. And yet, I stopped seeing Sam because I wanted my happy ending with Mr. Big. I had waited so long for it to happen, I couldn't just give up on it now.
We had one perfect evening before the bubble burst. One perfect evening to say goodbye I guess. One perfect evening full of love, kisses and happiness. Then I got home, and his best friend decided that he didn't want us to be together and told him about my so-called unfaithfulness. How can I be unfaithful to someone I am not even dating, that, until now, is still a mystery for me.
When Mr. Big called me to tell me it was over, that he wanted me out of his life, that he never wanted to talk to me again, I was waiting for my heart to break... a few tears rolled down my face and then I became angry. I had suffered through so much and still loved him. I had endured everything a person can possibly endure and never put any blame on him. I had sacrificed my honor for him. I had forgiven without even being told "I'm sorry" and he could just quit, just like that. No conversation. No explanation. No nothing. Why was I not worth fighting for? Why should I be the one that was always begging for his love, when he should have been glad that I was still giving him mine after so much time?
So I didn't fight. I stopped. I stopped loving him, I stopped caring for him and most of all, I stopped making excuses for his behavior. I had finally had enough. I was done. Drained out. Not ready to give anymore. So where does this leave me? What is my happy ending?
At first I thought, well, Sam and me can maybe take our relationship to the next level. But then I realized I really didn't want to be with Sam. He is a good man. A kind man. We have amazing sex and I love cuddling in his arms to sleep but we are not meant to be together. He was the man that was there at the right time. Leaving Mr. Big was not easy, moving on was the hardest thing ever, but Sam was there to tell me I deserve more. To tell me, I'm completely stupid for even thinking about asking for forgiveness. He gave me the confidence I desperately needed. He gave me all I was looking for to become an independent happy woman again... and once that happened I met the most amazing man I've met in a very long time.
The first time I saw Moncef, I was in Montreux with one of my best girlfriends, completely styled up to go clubbing in my ex-boyfriend's club... I had put on an Herve Leger dress, Louboutin shoes and had gotten my hair styled by a five star hotel hairdresser... I had put eveything together, to make my ex-boyfriend regret he ever left me. And that's when our eyes met.
One look at the table next to mine made me see him. Right away. It was like he was the only person in the club. And thank god for my friends, they were quick to introduce us. We spent the night chit-chatting away and the next day we had our first date. Lunch and a walk around the lake before I had to head back to Paris. A couple of hours is all we had and yet, something magical happened.
But at the time, I wasn't open for any love, as my heart was still working on winning Mr. Big back. A faithful meeting in the beginning of February... who would have thought that 4 months later I would be in love with someone, thousands of kilometers away and not doubt that it can actually work out.
Mr. Big went out of my life. Sam built me back up to my old self confidence and when that happened, Moncef came to visit me in Paris. 3 days was all we had. But it felt like we already knew each other for ages. And when he left, I knew, he is one of the good guys. Messages after messages after messages, it became clearer and clearer that we're good together, so here I was, on a train to Switzerland to spend some time with the man I met months ago, never thinking that a relationship could be born from a just a glance across a club...
So now, we plan a weekend together every month. We talk every day. And oh my, don't I just love reading his messages. End of July, I lose my job. I can do anything I want basically. I can move to Switzerland if I want... And I might. For once, I actually think I want to settle down and I'm not just saying it. Can I imagine living with Moncef? YES. Can I imagine falling asleep next to him and waking up by his side every morning? YES. I have two months to figure out if I want to take a big leap of faith... Tic tac, the clock is running...
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