Brand new start or a re-run of the same old soap opera

In 36 hours my own personal Mr. Big is coming back to Paris.
That is how long I have to figure out what I want.
Ever since he has been away I've felt like I can breathe again.... and somehow, I've started seeing somebody. Sam just swooped into my life without me even realizing it until I woke up in his arms one day and couldn't figure out how I could ever fall asleep without them.
This is wrong. Completely wrong. This is not how things were supposed to go. Mr. Big was supposed to come back to Paris, swoop me off my feet and we would be together forever. But he came back and I've only seen him twice in two and half months. Well I saw him two more times but that was by accident, bumping into him in tiny Paris nightlife, when he was supposed to be home sick... Somehow no matter how good things are between us, lies always keep on crawling to the surface. I always thought the first lie would be the one that hurts the most. That with time I would get used to the blows and just roll with it. But it never stops hurting. And even when you think your heart is completely broken, it somehow manages to break even more.
Two days ago I got a call at work. He said he loves me. He said he can't imagine his life without me in it and that he misses me so much it hurts. The words were supposed to help my heart heal. They were supposed to make me happy. But somehow they just sounded hollow. Like they were trying to make up for all the pain caused. But can they ever heal me?
I thought we'd be together forever.... and now I've spent two weeks with someone else in my bed at night, and I enjoyed it. I feel guilty for being happy without him... When he's been happy without me for four years.
He's coming back and I don't know what I'm expecting or what I should do.
Does this mean that if I continue seeing Sam I'm cheating on him? Are we going to be together for real or is this just going to be one more episode of this pathetic love drama that has been going on for far too long?
Someone once said that "if you consider giving up on someone, you probably already have...". Have I given up on him and me being happy? And why is it so easy for me to be happy and content when I'm with Sam?
I'm so confused. I think I'm a good person. Someone should love me....

When mistakes become choices

4 years.... that's how long since I've known my Mr. Big. Charming, gorgeous, rich... a jetsetter, a party king, a social butterfly swooping in and out of my life, leaving me behind a little more damaged every time he leaves...
Every time my heart breaks because I've been foolish enough to trust him I tell myself this is the last time. I keep telling myself the same mantra "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I don't even know how many times he has fooled me and yet I keep doing the same mistake over and over again.
My friend posted a quote on Facebook a couple of days ago and when I read it, it just felt so ironic because it was speaking right at me: "You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time, it's not a mistake, it's a choice".
I choose to forgive him. I choose to let him back into my life. I choose not to let anyone else in because I still believe that eventually we'll be together forever.
I am 23 years old and I've stood by him through a divorce from a cheating, gold-digging wife, stood by him when his stalker ex-girlfriend made his life miserable, stood by him when his family forced him into a life he didn't want and was unhappy in, stood by him when he was so confused and couldn't find the right path, stood by him when he told me that he never loved me and that I was just a mistake, a second choice... And I've forgiven everything without him even apologizing for any of it. All he had to do was come back into my life after I had done all I could to finally move on.
And all it took was one single night in his arms. We slept so peacefully, our bodies in perfect harmony, moving in our sleep in order to be as close to each other as possible. Waking up to him saying "I love you baby" was enough to make all the bad go away. Or so I thought.
I love him. Oh lord knows I do. And every moment that passes, I wish I didn't. Because loving him is just so damn painful. Being pulled and pushed around like I'm some unbreakable toy has taken its toll on me and I'm not sure how to brave tomorrow.
Every day is a struggle. Every breath I take makes me feel like I'm about to suffocate.
And every time I reach the bottom and tell myself no more. No more lies. No more hopes. No more dreams of him and me and a future. He comes back. Says I'm the woman he wants to have a family with. Says I was the always THE one. Sometimes he has these glimpses where he realizes what I've been through for him and how much I love him. Those moments give me hope that maybe it'll be enough for us to be happy. But it is not.
Today he asked me why I loved him. I didn't know what to say. Because I don't have any reason to love him. He never did anything to deserve my love. He never did anything to deserve me. And yet here I am, hurting just like I've been hurting for the past 4 years. And I don't know if I can take much more...
I tired of making the same choices over and over again and telling myself, oh well, it was a mistake, better luck next time. But it is no mistake. It is a choice. And I really really hope, that with time I'll eventually learn how to make the right choice.