Breaking and glueing back together a heart

Every girl reads Cosmo or Glamour or any magazine of some sort that has at least once published an article dealing with the so-called "stages of a break-up". They usually include something like, denial, pain and guilt, anger, depression, reconstruction, acceptance.

So until now I have been following that pattern... so yeah, girly magazines are sometimes right. But I did say: "until now".

When my boyfriend, sorry, ex-boyfriend, told me we needed to talk my first instinct was: "No, this can't happen. He is mistaken. The day will pass, he'll think about it and realize he is wrong and that we are just going to a rough phase." When I did actually admit to myself that he probably wasn't changing his mind just now, pain hit me. I talked about the pain I've been feeling but I'm starting to live with the pain. Don't get me wrong, I still feel it. But it started to become like a part of me, so it's getting easier to breathe. I know that now I am supposed to hit the "anger" phase. The phase where I curse the guy, think to myself of what an asshole he is and get mad at him and his stupid ways. But I'm not.

My phase is not anger. My phase is a feeling of ambition. I will get him back. I will not let him go without a fight. This does not mean dramatic love letters and calls in the middle of the night. It means seduction and an honest talk. It means meeting, one on one in a calm environment and putting my cards right out on the table. It means going all-in. It's either I lose or I win it all.

Something in the way our relationship used to be tells me that this ain't over. Something tells me that we can fix this. Something that tells me that this will be a test of patience and that for once in my life I shouldn't rush and push people into making decisions that I want them to make.

Maybe all people ever need is a bit of hope. The hope that one day all is going to be good again. The hope that the person you have given your heart to loves you back. The hope that people make mistakes. The hope that you deserve to be happy and the hope that for once, your dream can come true.

Hurting

Pain. It's a funny thing really. Pain comes in all sorts of shapes. At all sorts of times. Sometimes stronger than others, sometimes it lasts longer than it usually does and sometimes it just feels like it's going to stay forever.

I'm hurting. Again. But this time is different.

Thomas was supposed to just be a rebound. He was supposed to get me over a broken heart. Too bad my heart wasn't broken when I met him. I was just terrified of being alone. He put sense back into my life. He gave me the confidence that had been taken away from me, through break-ups and silences. He showed me how it was to be in love again. And then he took it away.

"I don't know where my heart is right now, all I know is that it is not with me. My head is not in for a relationship right now and I hate myself because I don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If I were you, I'd be sick of myself." That's what he told me. That's what he told me when he decided he wanted to end this. And then he said that it's a bit sad, because we were pretty amazing together.

Pretty amazing. Yeah, I remember that part. I also remember the past weeks, where his silences have become longer and longer. I remember that I've been crying myself to sleep, knowing I am losing him and that there is nothing I can do to keep him close. And yet when he said those words that he'll never be able to take back it was like my world crumbled. I stopped breathing, only because it felt like a weight was sitting on my lungs and taking in air was too painful... He told me he still wanted me to come visit him whenever I wanted to. That he still wanted us to talk. That he still wanted me to be a part of his life.

What he doesn't understand is that I'm hurting. I don't think I felt this kind of pain in a long time. Oh yes, I've had heartaches... but this is different. This is not an ache. This is a real break. I thought he could actually be the one. As silly as it sounds. It was love at first sight. And I am so mad at myself for letting him in. For the first time I don't feel like writing him dramatic messages or e-mails telling him that I am slowly dying without him. I don't feel like calling him, crying and asking him to please come back. I feel like crawling away from the world and cry. Crying is all I can do right now. The moment I hung up the phone I started crying. Not just a few tears, but real pain coming from deep down inside. Tears that hurt. And I haven't stopped crying ever since. I didn't even know I could cry that much... and when I don't cry, I am just numb. At work I am just that shell of a person I am normally. It's like the earth is turning and my body moves with it, but my soul... my soul stayed at home, under the blankets, in the dark, overwhelmed by this pain. A pain that stings sometimes, that just flows over my whole body and a pain that never goes away...

What do you do when you don't want to be happy anymore, because getting down from that high is just too scary and too painful? What do you do when the man you love, stopped loving you back? What do you do when you can't tell him how you feel because the words get stuck in your throat and the only sound you can make is "OK" when he asks you how you are?

I am pain. I am hurting. And I don't want it to stop, because I am terrified that the day I stop being in pain, I'll just feel nothing...

The rain is falling... and so are my tears

I've been in Paris for a month and five days. In five days, it'll be three months since the first time me and my boyfriend met. Three months since that faithful night, when our eyes kept finding each other and the world stopped moving just for the moment of a glance. Three months. Somehow it seems like such a short period, and yet, I feel like I've been in this relationship for ages.

Thomas has been amazing. He was so sweet and charming when we met. Messaging me all the time. Wanting to skype 24 hours a day when I was abroad. Telling me he loved me and calling me his heart.

Funny enough these days are now over, and now is the time where I need them back the most.

I am away from him. Three nights every once in a while is all I have with him. Three small nights that are not enough. Three nights that barely get me through the day. He is fading away and the harder I try to keep him in my life the faster I see him disappear.

I know he works 18 hours a day. And I do understand that this means, that he doesn't have much time to miss me... but how about the fact that he never replies to my messages. The fact that I rarely get a chance to get him on the phone. Or that he never calls when he says he will.

I am struggling. I am struggling because I don't know if he still wants me in his life. I am struggling because it feels like he is just waiting for me to give up. To say I've had enough. It feels like he is waiting for an easy way out.

I know that I when I see him again, I should tell him about my insecurities. I should tell him that I cry, almost every day, because I am terrified of losing him. I should tell him to please let me go, if he doesn't feel the same way about me.

But every time I come home to him, I don't say anything. Not a word of how I feel or what I think. The time we have together is so little and so precious that I don't want to ruin it. But the problem is, not speaking doesn't mean he can't read that something is wrong in my actions and in my eyes. When he asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. And he asked again. And I said nothing. And then he said: Fine, suit yourself. Don't say I didn't ask.

I spent the night silently crying next to him... hurting... and it's my own fault.

I don't want to ruin anything. I am afraid that my past relationships have gotten me so paranoid that I read too much into everything and that I am freaking out about nothing.

But what if I am not... what if he is done... what if I am going to get my heart broken again...

How am I supposed to make it through the day?