Starting life

A new city. A new job. A new appartement. A new start.

Once again I start over. This time I don't know how long this episode of my life is going to last though. In the past I've always lived my life towards a certain date. The end of my college year or the end of my internship. Every date was always set in stone and I was able to make a countdown. Everything is different now. I graduated college and started my first job. I am officially a tax-payer now.

I live in Paris. The city of love. The city of romanticism. The city of beauty.

It's amazing to wake up in the morning and to be happy to go to work. I enjoy what I do, and I am so relieved that this is how I feel. Of course, sometimes it feels like a lot of hope and expectations lie on my shoulders, but that feelings passes, and I am able to take in every moment.

Everything is different when I come home though.

Moving away from my old life meant leaving my life as I know it behind as well. It meant leaving my friends behind and more painfully, leaving behind the man I am falling in love with.

Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. But don't they also say out of sight, out of mind?

I come home to an empty place every single day. And when days are rough, all I really long for is to lie on my couch, with my head on his lap, feeling like I can let it go, just for a moment. But I can't. I come home and all I can do is hear his voice on the phone. I thought with time, the distance would become easier. But it seems that with every day that goes by it just becomes harder.

I see him almost every two weeks. The separation isn't actually that long when you think about it. I keep telling myself that it helps us keep our space, hang with our friends and do our jobs, but the truth is that I want to spend every single night falling asleep in his arms and every single morning waking up with him next to me.

I had to choose my career over my love life. I guess that means becoming an adult. Taking responsibilities. Making choices. Looking at the future. I keep on asking myself if I made the right choice. I keep asking myself if it was worth all the tears I shed in secret.

As strong as I try to be, I am just a lonely girl in a big city trying to find her way.

548 kilometers

548 km. A 5 hours and 44 minutes car ride. A 3 hours and 39 minutes train ride. Those are the numbers I am looking at with a big lump in my throat. These numbers that are becoming the biggest obstacle in my life right now.

In the past I was wondering if the man I am falling in love with is just a rebound, but now, six weeks into this relationship, I am a hundred percent sure that he isn't.

Have you ever met someone and it just feels like you've known them your whole life? Me and Thomas we spend great moments together. His presence comforts me and I feel so safe. For the first time, I feel like I can rely on him. Like I can trust him. Like he will be there for me.

We spend the most amazing week together. Spending our days with each other and falling asleep in each others arms. I love waking up next to him.

And now I moved. 548 km away from the man I want to be with. So is it going to work out? Will I able to keep him close to me, even though a big distance is separating us?

I am terrified of losing him and never before has it been that hard to choose my career over my love life. Has the thought crossed my mind to just take his offer and move in with him? I can't say that it hasn't. Is it crazy? Most probably. Six weeks. It sounds like nothing. And yet for some reason, it felt so intense.

Things shouldn't be this easy, this comfortable, this obvious. But they are. And it scares me, to have to give it up. I know I won't mind the few hours in a train every week, if it means that we can spend a couple of days and nights together. All I am asking is for him to be able to accept it to. To be patient as well. I hope he can handle a long-distance relationship and understand that if we can get through this, we really can get through anything.

What's meant to be will always find its way.

I will find my way back to him. If he waits for me.