Saturday morning when I woke up I decided I would give it one more try. I would ask F. one last time if he wanted to spend time with me... if only for a short weekend. I was really expecting him to say no to be honest, because he has been pushing me away everytime I go to close for the reason that he said that he doesn't want to break my heart...
But he said yes. He said let's do it. Let's be spontaneous. Let's be together.
I know his life is complicated and I don't mind that we had to stay in a hotel because his ex can't find out about me. She would put their son between them, it would ruin his family and I don't blame him for not wanting to take this risk with a girl he barely knows.
The short time we spend together went by like in a haze... and know that I'm back at home it's like I just woke up from a beautiful, amazing dream.
Being with F. just feels so right. When I look into his eyes I wanna drown in them. When he touches me my whole body shivers and when we kiss, I melt. I left 8 hours ago and when I close my eyes I can still feel the taste of his lips and his hands on my skin... I'm terrified that with every minute that passes by the memory becomes more unclear. That I remember less and less details until I wake up and I don't remember what it feels like to have him next to me.
Summer is coming to an end, which means his son will come home soon. That boy makes your heart melt and I would love him with all my heart if anyone asked me to, but him coming home, means it will become harder and harder for me to come and visit F. It's already not an easy situation... this just makes it so much harder.
I don't know if we have a chance. I don't what he feels for me or if he is even willing to open up to someone new... And I'm holding my breath because I don't want the memory of us together to fade.
I want to stay in this dream as long as I can because every time I snap back into reality I feel like my heart is breaking. Like someone is kicking me in the stomach and I'm all out of breath.
How did this happen? How did I fall in love with someone just like that? How do I find the patience to give him the time he needs to let me into his heart? And how do I find the breath to keep fighting?
