What happened... Where did I go wrong?

So check it out. I live in the city of love and lights, PARIS. I have amazing friends and a great family. I love my job and don't mind all the extra hours I have to put in. I live in a cozy, small condo, but I can at least call it my own and I can shop until I drop, without having to worry, that I won't have any food for the rest of the month.

All this should make me happy right. I don't only have material possesions, I also have all the great stuff that compliments it. And yet...

I am so unhappy. And the fact that I am unhappy, makes me frustrated.

If you would have asked me a couple of years ago what I wanted in life, I would have told you: "I wanna live in famous cities, go to glamorous parties, meet celebrities and wear designer clothes..." I have all that now, and funny enough I am unhappier than ever.

Yes I know, back then my desires were material and completely superficial... I should not have had to sacrifice all the good things I had in life to realize that glamour, money and fake smiles can't buy you happiness.

If I could, I would take it all back.

I would go the friends I've lost and tell them how sorry I am. So sorry that I didn't realize what they meant to me and what they brought to my life. I would tell them, that I was a bitch, for thinking my life would be just as good without them in it.

I would go to the boyfriends I've lost and tell them how sorry I am. So sorry that I've treated them like dirt. I would tell them that I was a bitch for acting like feelings weren't getting hurt and for thinking that they would never leave, cause I was too great to be put aside and stamped like just another EX.

You may think that I can do all that, and trust me, I have tried. Saying sorry is the easy part. Being forgiven, that's the hard part, because you can't make people forgive you, you just have to hope and wish that they remember who you were at some point and give you another chance.

Most of the people I've hurt never knew the real me. They may have seen glimpses of her that gave them hope that somewhere behind all that make-up and the attitude was a genuine and caring girl. Those glimpses aren't enough for them to give me a second chance. There not enough. And they shouldn't have to be.

I have everything I ever dreamed of and I am unhappy. So tell me, what's missing? Where did I go wrong? If only someone could point out to me where I took the wrong turn, I promise you, I would go back and fix it. I would....

If only I knew where to go.

Maid of Honor Speech

How beautiful you are in that gorgeous white gown. How happy you looked walking down the aisle. As I watch you drink champagne and eat your wedding cake, I see the joy in your eyes. And because I live so far away, and can't always be there in the hard times I wish I could bottle the love between you and Doodoo, wrap it up and give it to you as a wedding gift.

Then you could take it out on a rainy day and be right back here, in this place, eating and laughing and dancing with everyone. But I don’t think you’ll need such a bottle. The reminders of this special day will be all around you : in the photo album or in the picture frame you’ll have in your new house but especially in the shining band you wear on your finger every day. Use these reminders as a source of comfort and strength during the hard times. And let them bring a brighter smile to your faces in times of happiness.

To my big sister : You were always there to lead the way for me. I wish I could say you showed me around on my first day of school but you were more the « Oh my god, my sister is here… »-type. You also never helped me with my homework, since I was always smart enough to figure it out myself.

You never taught me how to put on makeup or paint my nails, because I was always girlier than you and you never covered for me when I came in late from a date because you always felt you had to protect me from bad boys since you had to counsel me through my first heartbreak.

Even when you moved out to go to college, you were still looking out for me, traveling many miles to be home for my birthday. And today you are still leading the way ; shining a light on the path of love and marriage, showing me how its done and, sometimes, what not to do. When I look at you and Doodoo I somehow feel safer. I don’t know if I can explain that, but you give me hope. And I’m afraid to say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of you and that would be a shame. Because, we can all use a little hope sometimes. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that.

How wonderful it is to see that you found the perfect man for you. I was proud to stand by your side and when you said « I do ». You took a big step towards your future today, and, in turn, gave me the gift of a new brother. The fun and sometimes hard times during your engagement and the happiness of this day bring us even closer together. I know that if either one of us is in pain, we will always be there to comfort each other.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts.

As you begin this new chapter in your life, I will still look to you for guidance because you helped me get this far. How blessed I am to have a big sister like you!

I love you.