In a couple of weeks I graduate college. Another milestone lies ahead of me and a big change comes with it. I start working. I start settling down. I grow up.
All around me my friends are becoming real-life adults. Getting pregnant, married, engaged or moving in together. It seems everyone has given their life a purpose outside of their career.
I always knew I wanted to become something big and having mentors around me telling me that I can, just enforced this feeling. But looking around me I feel like my priorities are somewhat wrong.
My whole life I have been wandering around, wondering what I wanted in love. I have been hurt and have hurt others and when I know look at my track record, I am a bit shocked on how many people have been part of my past.
Has it helped? Do I know what I want and what I don't? I guess I do. But I know now I always knew what that was, I just guess it is easier to have expectations than to find someone that fills them. I was so focused on being strong and unemotional because I thought that was what would help me reach my goal that I have let life pass me by. I believed that falling in love meant losing sight of where you wanted to go and that it would distract me from what is really important. I am very close to starting the first step to becoming successful, but unfortunately it very much feels like I will have to take that step all by myself.
There is someone in my life right now, but if he will be there with me through thick and thin is still questionable. I put a wall around my heart in order to protect myself from getting hurt. I know from my first love, that when you are in pain you lose sight of other things. Time freezes because your heart is breaking and your ears are ringing from the pain... but real time doesn't stop because you're dying inside. So I stopped feeling. I forbid myself from going to this dark place ever again. It is too painful. Too scary. Too distracting.
So now I have reached my goal. I am graduating. I am going to have my dream job. My first career move. But was it worth turning into an Ice Queen? Pretending I don't care about anything has led to people pushing me away, people that I was praying would stay with me for a long long time. I wanted to be loved so much that I didn't realize I wasn't allowing anyone to love me. I have turned into this statue of the perfect person, but inside I am empty.
So how do I stop being just a spectator and actually start living?
