I've been going in and out of relationships for the past six years... I don't think I've ever been single for longer than two-three months.
When me and N called it a day, a part inside me broke. I ended up in my best friend's boyfriends bathroom balling my eyes out, not really knowing why.
I've been blaming myself for all the relationships that have gone wrong and at the end of the day forgot who I really am.
My best friend told me that the best thing for me right now is to focus on myself, find out who I really am and start loving myself again. She said, how can someone love you if you don't love yourself?
At first I thought her idea was crazy. Spending time alone is not exactly something I would call a pleasant pass-time. Dinner alone. Movies alone. Shopping alone. How dreadful... So silly me, instead of listening to her I went back to dating.
Obviously things didn't work out and I had to listen to the same old bla bla's that I've heard waaaay to often in my life: "It's not you, it's me. I am just not ready for commitment"... with you. That is how I interpret things. You don't want to be in a relationship.... with me. I can't find a way to just put a full stop after, I always need to add my own little two words.
I am alone now. And I am learning to be happy. I am doing the things I want to do and spending my time as I please.
If I want to go for a coffee with a girlfriend, I'll go. If I feel like shopping by myself, I'll go. If I feel like going on a dinner date, I'll go.
When you spend time with yourself you get to know yourself better. What are you bad habits but also what are your positive points. And that definitely helps with flirting as well. I know now what parts of myself I want to improve and what I love about me.
Recovery is a long process. And I am pretty sure I will not start absolutely loving myself so fast. But I am on the right path. I hope my best friend is proud of me... even though it took me a long time to listen to her advice. And I may actually have disappointed a few people by not listening to her.
But hey, better late than never, right?
