Me and N broke up. He left me. He wrote me an e-mail and walked away from me.
My heart burst into a million tiny small pieces...
I was happy. I thought we were good. I thought that everything was perfect. Now I don't know if I was just blinding myself because I didn't want to accept the truth or if he was just really good in pretending...
For days I didn't feel the pain. For days all I felt was numbness and anger. Anger that led me to scream at my best friend. A friend I love more than he knows because he has always been honest to me... the only man I ever trusted to never lie to me about anything. And now he ignores me... I hurt him because I was hurt, but that doesn't excuse it.
And then one night, it just took one sentence from my best girlfriend to make the pain hit: "Stop hurting yourself. He is not coming back. He won't." The pain hit me like a wave and the tears starting flowing down my face.
I was trying so hard to keep him in my life no matter what. As friends, as lovers... as anything I could possibly be for him. But he just stepped out and moved on like I never existed.
My friend tells me I need to love myself before I can love anyone else.
But tell me... how can you feel like you are loveable when everyone you have ever given yourself to has broken you?
I am terrified. I am scared. Every night that I spend alone, every minute that I don't have someone looking at me like I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, I feel lonely. I feel invisible.
If I could I would tell N what he has done to me. I would show him my tears and put the pain he has caused into words.
But I won't... I won't because... I don't know... I guess he doesn't deserve to know what he has done to me. I want him to see me gorgeous, glowing and happy. I just am not really sure on how I am supposed to achieve that, since I don't feel anything like that right now.
